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Dixons Carphone launch ‘FannyCock’ range

Already weary of dismal stand-up comedians and armchair satirists alike milking ‘dicks on car phone’ jokes, the newly merged Dixons Carphone company has hit back by announcing their new signature range of in-car communications will be branded ‘FannyCock’.

Head of Marketing Theo Holtom proudly said, ‘FannyCock is already a runaway success with pre-orders outstripping capacity, particularly in Thailand and Austria, oddly. We have been asked to bring out a range of phones and tablets for business users so jaded executives can say ‘Ya I’m on the FannyCock today, send me your spreadsheets and I’ll look at them on that’.

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Posted: May 18th, 2014
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Squudge

Abu Hamza ‘worked for depressed kittens shelter’, claim defence

After claims at his trial that Abu Hamza al-Masri secretly worked for MI5, his lawyers have further revealed the radical Muslim cleric’s extensive work for charity. The US terror trial has heard that Hamza was a ‘leading light’ down at the local homeless shelter, giving reiki foot massages to vagrants, and worked evenings and weekends at the ‘Fluffywumbles Home for Depressed Felines’.

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Posted: May 8th, 2014
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Squudge

Russian troops’ balaclavas ‘mostly just tea cosies’

Vladimir Putin is said to be ‘tight-lipped’ today after Western intelligence sources indicated that the Russian build-up of troops in the Crimea has been undermined by logistical difficulties in the ‘hat department’.

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Posted: May 7th, 2014
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Squudge

Max Clifford’s penis given own cell for protection

Prison officials have confirmed today that Max Clifford’s penis, Justin, has been segregated for his own safety and is undergoing assessment in the prison hospital wing after earlier being spotted looking bruised, ‘withdrawn’, and being sick in the showers.

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Posted: May 5th, 2014
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Squudge

Tube strike a massive bonus for those ‘starved of human contact’

Many tube commuters have admitted to unnecessarily increasing the length of their journeys to take advantage of the exquisitely intimate conditions caused by the strike on the London transport network over the past 24 hours.

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Posted: Apr 30th, 2014
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