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Other stories by Squudge

Rosetta to attempt first graffito of a penis in space

Initially it is planned that Rosetta will land a small probe capable of sketching a cartoon cock on the surface ‘as a statement as to the impermanence of life, art and snowballs in hell.’

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Posted: Aug 11th, 2014
More from Science/Technology



Squudge

Tropical disappointment Bertha heralds ‘return to normal’

Weather forecasters across the country are breathing a collective sigh of relief as ex-hurricane Bertha arrived in the UK to return the British summer to more familiar patterns. For the last three weeks, newscasters have been confidently announcing torrential rain and a ten-degree fall in temperatures ‘in the next few days’, only for glorious sunshine [...]

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Posted: Aug 10th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Squudge

Urgent call for cease-ceasefire in Gaza

Israel and Hamas should call a halt to the seemingly endless cycle of damaging ceasefires and return to normal hostilities as soon as possible, a consortium of global arms manufacturers and governments has said.

A group of leading weapons manufacturers and distributors from around the globe has spoken out about the challenges to the industry presented by ‘totally disproportionate’ attempts to resort to peace. ‘How are we supposed to carry on with our work when we don’t know whether they’re bombing each other or temporarily not bombing each other?’ demanded a spokesman. ‘We’ve got families to think about. Ours, not theirs, obviously.’

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Posted: Aug 2nd, 2014
More from World News



Squudge

Savile ‘may have been adviser to Cameron’

Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’

Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for.

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2014
More from Politics



Squudge

Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’

Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2014
More from News In Brief