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Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary.

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2015
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Squudge

Large Hadron Collider could let foreign particles in, complains Farage

looks like a giant arsehole, and so does the LHCNigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.

‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’

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Posted: Apr 8th, 2015
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Squudge

Blair named as Middle-England Peace Envoy in ongoing Clarkson row

determined to take the 'larks' out of ClarksonThe government confirmed today that Tony Blair is to take on the weighty responsibility as mediator in the Clarkson Crisis before the UK descends into all-out civil war.

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Posted: Mar 29th, 2015
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Squudge

Ofsted criticises ‘simplistic’ Jihadi Janet & John books

nothing like as convincing as an ISIS iPhone appPoor teaching materials are being blamed for falling standards of radicalisation in state schools, according to a recent Ofsted inspection. When Year 8-10 pupils should be reading the Qu’ran and instructions on how to make cluster bombs, all too many are still looking at the simplistic dogma of Jihadi Janet and John.

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Posted: Mar 5th, 2015
More from Education, Faith



Squudge

Eastenders storyline ‘not written by Kat Slater’s tits’, claim BBC

The BBC reacted promptly yesterday after accusations that this week’s Eastenders storyline was written by Kat Slater’s improbable breasts, flubbering on a keyboard during breaks in filming.

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Posted: Feb 20th, 2015
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