NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Other stories by Squudge

Savile ‘may have been adviser to Cameron’

Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’

Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for.

Read more >

Posted: Jun 29th, 2014
More from Politics



Squudge

Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’

Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.

Read more >

Posted: Jun 26th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Squudge

Blair awarded Nobel Prize for Physics after proving that black is white

The scientific world was celebrating last night after Tony Blair’s illuminating discovery that black is white. To date, the finest minds have failed to identify evidence of the presence of dark matter postulated in a dossier in 2003. But somehow to everybody’s deep joy, Blair has managed it.

Read more >

Posted: Jun 15th, 2014
More from Politics



Squudge

Swimming pools to introduce ‘hairy fatty back bits’ lanes

Mark Spitz, and so does everyone elseWalthamstow public swimming pool is to pilot new ‘smooth’ and ‘hairy’ shoulder lanes in a scheme due for nationwide rollout by 2015.

The new system was introduced after it was noticed that an effective swimming workout was being undermined for many by the fear of ingesting curly hair floating on the surface during their regular workouts.

Read more >

Posted: Jun 10th, 2014
More from Features, UK News



Squudge

‘Our day has come,’ carrier bag survivalists gloat

With a 5p charge in place for supermarket plastic bags now in place, it has emerged that many wise souls have been stockpiling theirs for many years by carefully folding their pristine supermarket flimsys inside the so-called Bags for Life and stashing them in cool, dry environments away from direct sunlight

Read more >

Posted: Jun 5th, 2014
More from News In Brief