NewsBiscuit

Britain’s torch bearing mob community is up in arms after word went around that the UK’s prime minister was given a new identity after the Gulf War, and may be given a new one again in May.

‘Who is the prime minister anyway?’ said the leader of the mob. ‘I don’t give a monkey’s. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this – if the bastard came into our pub, he’d get his head kicked in.’

Read more >

Posted: Mar 14th, 2010
More from Politics

Brewer-Sharp Systems, makers of software for pub tills, has succeeded where generations of video conferencing and meeting room systems have failed. It has invented a simple method for instantly gathering the entire staff of a pub in one place.

‘Simply install a new electronic till in a pub and, in minutes, the entire staff will be gathered around it, staring it as if waiting for aliens to emerge from the mothership,’ said MD Fee Brewer.

Read more >

Posted: Feb 14th, 2010
More from Business

The rioting at Wimbledon Theatre moved into its third day yesterday, as physicists attending a pantomime continue to react angrily to a balloon gag that defied the laws of physics. ‘I like a joke as much as the next man, and I’m prepared to suspend disbelief for a night at the theatre,’ said physics lecturer Marek Banasiak, who had treated his students to a night at the theatre. ‘But when you see a man being handed a balloon, filled with air, and he subsequently begins to levitate, that really is beyond the pale of scientific feasibility.’

Read more >

Posted: Feb 13th, 2010
More from Science/Technology

IBM Global Services has clinched the lucrative contract to make sure Sebastian Ponsonby always produces the most impressive homework assignment at Richmond Primary School.

The parents of Sebastian Ponsonby say they are equally delighted at clinching the deal with IBM. ‘Whether it’s writing an essay on the Egyptians, or drawing a farmyard animal, it’s imperative that Sebastian always produces the most impressive homework assignment in his class. We are confident that IBM Global Services will keep us ahead of the game,’ said his father, Julian.

Read more >

Posted: Jan 5th, 2010
More from Education

The Iraqi cab driver who said he overheard two army officers claiming that Saddam Hussein had WMD ready for use in 45 minutes has done it again by infuriating London’s cabbies.

‘It’s bleedin’ war,’ said Alf Tubbs of the London Taxi Drivers’ Association. ‘The geezer who was the source for the intelligence that sparked the war drove a mini cab – no wonder Blair got it wrong. He should have got his intelligence from a geezer who’d done The Knowledge then he wouldn’t have got mini weapons of mass destruction. My members are bleedin’ furious.’

Read more >

Posted: Dec 29th, 2009
More from News In Brief