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British School Disco craze sweeps Beverly Hills

High schools across Beverly Hills are ditching traditional prom nights in their tens as the ‘British Secondary School Leavers’ Disco’ craze sweeps the neighbourhood, it was reported yesterday.

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Posted: Jul 16th, 2014
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SuburbanDad

Roman middle classes ‘furious’ at government’s response to volcanic apocalypse

infamy, infamy..Pompeii could have been saved from the magma waves if the authorities had done more to protect its buildings than stack piles of surplus slaves up in front of the doors, local residents claimed yesterday.

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Posted: Feb 12th, 2014
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SuburbanDad

Lose a leg for us this Dismember, urges charity

A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.

The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.

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Posted: Nov 29th, 2013
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SuburbanDad

Apprentice 2014 to feature ‘authentic business treats’

‘These youngsters should experience the rewards of my early career: a hotel room that doesn’t always smell of cat’s piss, an evening in the company of a 30-something lady called Michelle who laughed at my every joke and a pay-to-hire Betamax that appeared on the hotel bill as ‘telex services’.’

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2013
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SuburbanDad

Gamekeeper job ‘does not help me poach’, claims poacher

A poacher who works as a gamekeeper during the week has denied that the job conflicts in any way with his weekend role of ‘the best damn poacher you ever saw’, in the same wood.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2013
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