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Lose a leg for us this Dismember, urges charity

A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.

The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.

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Posted: Nov 29th, 2013
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SuburbanDad

Apprentice 2014 to feature ‘authentic business treats’

‘These youngsters should experience the rewards of my early career: a hotel room that doesn’t always smell of cat’s piss, an evening in the company of a 30-something lady called Michelle who laughed at my every joke and a pay-to-hire Betamax that appeared on the hotel bill as ‘telex services’.’

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2013
More from Arts/Entertainment



SuburbanDad

Gamekeeper job ‘does not help me poach’, claims poacher

A poacher who works as a gamekeeper during the week has denied that the job conflicts in any way with his weekend role of ‘the best damn poacher you ever saw’, in the same wood.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2013
More from News In Brief



SuburbanDad

Chinese refurbishment of Prince Philip ‘poses no security risk’

'don't make fuss', the Duke is reported to have saidThe contract to refurbish Prince Philip has been awarded to Chinese telecommunications giant Huawei, it was confirmed yesterday, despite ongoing security concerns about the company’s links to the Chinese government.

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Posted: Jun 11th, 2013
More from UK News



SuburbanDad

Thatcher ‘risen from the dead’, claim Thatcherites

immediately forgave Tebbit for forsaking herJust three days after her death, followers of Margaret Thatcher are claiming their leader has come back to life. Unconfirmed reports suggest she has appeared across Britain, still preaching the ‘good news’ of monetarism and a robust fiscal policy, and looking transfigured by the whole death experience.

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Posted: Apr 11th, 2013
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