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Daily Mail holds swearing-at ceremony for new French president

Will this man cause the price of your house to CRASH?The Daily Mail has welcomed the new French president, Francois Hollande, with a lavish swearing-at ceremony to mark his first day in office.

The ceremony, attended by a host of Mail dignitaries, was held in the newspaper’s London HQ. Over a dozen figures gathered round a TV set broadcasting pictures of Mr Hollande live from the effete and decadent surroundings of the Elysee Palace, where he began his reign of left-wing terror this morning.

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Posted: May 15th, 2012
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Leveson Inquiry delayed to allow time to appoint Parseltongue translator

‘We can’t go on like this any longer,’ Lord Leveson declared. ‘I only asked her to confirm her name and position, and her eyes immediately rolled back into her head and she started whispering ‘Si a-hashii’eth’ over and over.’

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Posted: May 11th, 2012
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The Paper Ostrich

Google unveils first driverless government

‘We have completed a two-year pilot of the new driverless government, which has been running Britain with surprising success the whole time,’ said the project spokesman Nick Clegg.

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Posted: May 9th, 2012
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UK Border Agency asks illegal immigrants ‘not to wear sports kit’ during Olympics

"they come over here, steal our tracksuits..."The UK Border Agency (UKBA) has given assurances that it is ‘completely ready’ to deal with the influx of foreigners during the Olympics, as long as illegal immigrants agree not to wear sports kit over the summer.

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Posted: May 3rd, 2012
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The Paper Ostrich

French voters enter final fortnight of Bruni-Sarkozy marriage

Oooh la la le PenThe latest opinion polls in France have shown that Carla Bruni’s marriage to struggling president Nicolas Sarkozy may have as little as two weeks left before the start of divorce proceedings.

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Posted: Apr 28th, 2012
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