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Decisive EU warning on Crimea: ‘Eurovision will be really awkward this year’

Anything but Boom Bang-a-Bang, pleaseEuropean Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
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The Paper Ostrich

Severe flooding floods flooding flood, water flooding rain flooding flooded

Severe floods floods floods, the UK flooding flooded flooding, flooding floods.

Incompetent environment secretary Owen Floods flood ‘Flooding flooding floods, flooding water water floods.’ Flooding flooding floods flooding flooding. Flooding flooding flooding, flooding flooding floods, flood flood ‘flood flood flood’ flood flood.

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Posted: Feb 14th, 2014
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The Paper Ostrich

Ghost of Christmas Future ‘in despair’ after visit to George Osborne

if only he could realise it's not about the money, or even understand what money is. Merry Christmas, one and all.‘He didn’t even bat an eyelid when I showed him what would happen to poor little Tiny Clegg,’

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Posted: Dec 5th, 2013
More from From The Archives



The Paper Ostrich

Nixon’s ghost ‘still banging on about China’, reveals Frost’s ghost

In his first journalistic foray since unexpectedly passing away on a cruise ship last week, Sir David questioned Nixon’s spirit during a four-hour exchange, nearly forty years after they first met in California.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2013
More from Arts/Entertainment



The Paper Ostrich

Triple-dip latest: Jubilant Chancellor ‘ready’ for outpouring of national gratitude

The ever-popular Chancellor, George Osborne, has led a wave of national jubilation after the wonderful news emerged that the UK has avoided a triple-dip recession.

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Posted: Apr 25th, 2013
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