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Other stories by Wrenfoe

England to release Scottish hostages

Regardless of the outcome of the Scottish referendum, Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed in principle to release the thousands of Scottish citizens being held in captivity south of the border. Many have been forced into high paid banking jobs, Ministerial roles or lucrative singing contracts on the Britain’s Got Talent.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2014
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Wrenfoe

‘Death on holiday’ tops list of things no-one has sympathy for

It'll be fine...Summer marks that time of year when British holidaymakers begin their annual cull of the most idiotic by leaping drunkenly from balconies, ignoring ski helmets or combining scuba diving with outboard motors. Those unable to afford such expensive jaunts, naturally, respond with the same levels of commiseration normally reserved for small children banging their heads on tables after being told not to run.

So apathetic are our levels of sympathy for the newly deceased on holiday that one sociologist commentated: ‘Being eaten by wild animals is natural selection for the rich, as a person of average income would never see a polar bear outside of a zoo. For those on a tight budget, they are now equating death on safari with voting for Nick Clegg – something you just brought on yourself.’

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Posted: Sep 9th, 2014
More from Lifestyle



Wrenfoe

One in ten fire-fighters ‘not fit enough’ to be novelty strippers

...there's always some sexy paperwork to be done back at the stationA nationwide fitness standard is to be introduced, which will include ‘weight training’, ‘whipped cream guzzling’ and ‘gyrating’ for an hour to ‘It’s Raining Men’.

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Posted: Sep 8th, 2014
More from From The Archives



Wrenfoe

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Wrenfoe

Public warned not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal

it'll ruin your dayFear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence ‘before their family comes home’, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywood’s favourite martial arts veteran, ironic Buddhist and poster-boy for Cuprinol®. Although a sprightly 62, most teenage boys or frustrated husbands would admit that Mr. Segal’s squinty-eyed leer is not quite the same as a gyrating Kim Kardashian.

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Posted: Sep 2nd, 2014
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