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Other stories by Wrenfoe

Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.

A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2015
More from Education, Politics



Wrenfoe

Zayn quits 1D in protest over Clarkson

some say that's what makes them beautiful, but not manyPre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.

Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.

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Posted: Mar 25th, 2015
More from Arts/Entertainment



Wrenfoe

Cameron promises not to serve a third term. Voters helpfully rule out a second

his goose is cookedIn an attempt to manage public expectation, the Prime Minister has said he will not be swayed into staying in office, regardless of any mass displays of affection. Meanwhile, nonplussed voters assured Mr. Cameron that no such displays had been planned; unless he meant the voodoo doll, abusive graffiti or the barrels of gunpowder stored under the House of Commons.

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Posted: Mar 23rd, 2015
More from Politics



Wrenfoe

Millions watch idiot UKIP candidate totally ‘eclipse’ idiot UKIP leader

Vote UKIPSchool children, wearing protective goggles, were yesterday treated to the rare glimpse of Nigel Farage’s face been obscured in tabloid papers by reports of a fraudulent UKIP colleague, Janice Atkinson.

The expenses scandal of the MEP for England’s South East covered most of The Sun, which would normally be seen across the UK, shining out of Rupert Murdoch’s posterior.

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Posted: Mar 20th, 2015
More from Politics



Wrenfoe

Tooth fairy moving onto kidneys

pound left under dialysis machineWith half of the UK’s eight-year-olds suffering from tooth decay, all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs. Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’.

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Posted: Mar 19th, 2015
More from Health