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‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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Wrenfoe

Arab Spring Water ‘is just ordinary Tap’

At least Morsi hasn't pissed in it. Oh. He has.Despite the luxurious packaging, extensive retailing and U.S. endorsement there is a growing suspicion that this ‘democracy’ may not be as refreshing as once thought.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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Wrenfoe

Thousands desert London as Andrew Lloyd Webber announces return of Cats and Evita

Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s. Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’.

Refugees clutching tickets for ‘A Book of Mormon’ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to London’s theatre land. Many fear that Webber’s planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords.

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Wrenfoe

Brazilians protest Nadal’s Wimbledon ranking

it's only a knee injury, for heaven's sakeThe All England Club is already considering the use of tear gas and rubber bullets on Henman Hill.

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2014
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Wrenfoe

Official singles chart to count high-pitched screaming‏

value of screaming finally recognised in the the music industryFor the first time ever, alongside streaming services, teenagers emitting ultrasonic squeals of delight will be used in calculating album and singles sales. Pant-wetting, fainting and ‘excitement-induced fainting’ will also form part of a complicated algorithm designed to measure contemporary trends. No longer will music journalists have to consult with dogs as to which high-pitched noise belongs to Beliebers, Directioners or ‘a guy shepherding sheep’.

While tinnitus remains the industry-standard format with which to experience the Top 40, many see the acceptance of screams as an important step in acknowledging the popularity of more obscure tunes.

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Posted: Jun 23rd, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment