‘It has long been known that Aloe Vera has many healing properties, and tests show it can help with burns, cuts and the promotion of healthy skin,’ said Colonel Mike Richards from Serbian arms supplier Zastava. ‘And we’re delighted to announce that the substance will be included in all our 30mm RPGs from the beginning of February as part of our ethical commitments.’

However Richards admitted that some of the other benefits of the substance were of less relevance: ‘Many of the digestive benefits in relation to promoting healthy bowel movements tend to be overtaken when someone fires an RPG at you, indeed we think that an RPG may be even more effective than conventional laxatives in removing any troublesome blockages.’

Fans of the 400 mls are delighted that Joe Beckwith from Croydon will be at the helm of this important event. ‘Joe has proved in training that he can drink 400 mls of unbranded vodka in less than ten seconds followed by a whisky chaser, and is virtually guaranteed a gold medal in this prestigious event’ said Brian Carter of the official binge drinking team.

Jumping events, usually the Achilles heel of paralytic sports, are also expected to offer new medal hopes with the ‘Stan the can’ from Glasgow who regularly jumps up to the fourth row at Costco to reach the discounted Tennents Super. The team is hoping to build on the example set by Paula Radcliffe in the 10m urinating competition, and although it’s unlikely to be snowing, would be able to write their own names with great clarity should the weather turn nasty.

“It was only when the marketing lecture on socio-economic groupings finished that I realised that recording Corrie and buying sausage and bean melts from Greggs was behaviour expected of blue-collar C2 workers. I really looked down my nose at myself. But I’m determined to raise my game, this morning I had croissants while I listened to Radio 3, even though it’s shite compared to Chris Moyles.”

Turner was pleased to learn she’s too young to be given an E categorization, but she is determined to stay above a C2. “Next time I’m in Greggs I’m going to buy a chicken and mango bloomer, and I now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of X-factor. We ABC1s really love the performing arts.”

‘It got me thinking’ said Richards ‘Why should I go to the trouble of assembling the bloody machine, leaving it unused for five years before having to dismantle it and take it to the tip?’

After a quick call to Groupon his worries were over ‘They agreed to deliver it straight to the tip, but want an extra £10 to separate the metal bits from the cardboard packaging and make sure it’s put in the right recycling skips. What a bargain. It weighs a bloody ton, and by them delivering it straight to the tip I don’t even have to carry it.’

Sorrell’s suggestions have caused many leading companies to re-think branding strategies. Superdrug have already replaced combs with ‘bug rakes’ in deprived areas, whilst Kleenex are believed to be planning a budget ‘snotwipe’ range.

Meanwhile biscuit manufacturers, Burtons, have yet to comment as to how the new branding trend will affect their popular Jammie Dodgers.

Equally critical was Vivienne Westwood, ‘It’s shocking to see women throwing Molotov cocktails completely hidden under hoodies and tracksuit bottoms, which they seem to be stealing even more of. My advice to them, when they make their court appearances, is to enhance their figures with tight PVC and leather undergarments.’

The only positive comment came from Ann Summer’s Jacqueline Gold. ‘Seeing the cops strolling around menacingly and then beating protestors to a pulp has resulted in bumper demand for police outfits, nurses costumes, handcuffs and, of course, our vibrating truncheons.’

The ‘comedic differences’ appear to relate to the recent incident in which aspiring comedian Jonnie Marbles threw a custard pie at Rupert Murdoch. ‘Brent was amazed by the slapstick element, but I thought it lacked the necessary irony and pathos to engage the audience,’ said Lamb. ‘That was the beginning of the end for us.’

Logan cut a lonely figure as he left the shared dressing room for the last time. ‘I just wish that we could have talked it over, but perhaps the fake dog turd I added to the sausages on his breakfast plate was the last straw.’

The man, who did not wish to reveal his identity, said that he bought the ticket at the last minute when his private jet landed at Heathrow airport. ‘I saw the sign that £166m was up-for-grabs, and although I don’t really need the money decided to splash-out £2 on a ticket, especially as I can claim for it on expenses.’

Metropolitan Police officers assisted the unnamed man as he collected his £166m winnings in cash, and to mark his delight with the force’s help the lottery winner presented each of the officers he wanted to thank with substantial bundles of £50 notes, a procedure which is said to be “In-line” with force’s traditional standards.