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Criminals to police themselves

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British public, that it seemed logical to trust people who continually try and avoid the police to henceforth police themselves.

The scheme, which has been launched to coincide with the beginning of the new avoiding-tax year, will involve muggers, burglars, car thieves and investment bankers being charged with making sure that no laws are breaking in the course of their law-breaking.

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Posted: Apr 6th, 2014
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apepper

Cockney rhyming thrown into confusion by threepenny bit shaped pound

Experts in cockney rhyming slang are having a rabbit about the pen and ink caused by the introduction of a new threepenny bit shaped coin.

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Posted: Mar 19th, 2014
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apepper

ITV4 schedulers to assist with dredging operation

‘We needed someone with expertise for pulling out old rubbish from the depths and they ticked all the boxes’, said a council spokesman.

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Posted: Feb 2nd, 2014
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apepper

Druids working round the clock to restore ley lines

Druids pledging to get it right any day nowThe council of British Druids have been working through the night to restore ley lines which have been damaged by recent storms. Many households have been without spiritual energy throughout the Yuletide holiday which has affected psychic connections in many parts of the country.

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2013
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apepper

Power companies reduce Christmas bills by cutting off power

‘Normally, we spend a fortune on heating, lighting and TV but all that’s been saved by this brilliant initiative.’

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Posted: Dec 30th, 2013
More from News In Brief