He will then be surrounded by a team of girters, including International Flonking Committee President Jack ‘Frenchie’ Bogge and Cowes 2012 Charman Lord Po, who will join hands and dance in a circle around him, while he spins around in the opposite direction to the girters and flonks his dwile at them.

Lord Po said the event was a ‘big moment’ for the 2012 Cowes Flonking Organising Committee (Coflog), adding that 23 million ticket applications had been made by almost 12 people, which showed the Games had ‘higher levels of support than any previous international flonking event’.

Despite glitches in the booking system, caused by Committee Secretary Ada Scroggins’s telephone breaking when it fell off her milking stool, 10 out of the 12 applicants have been allocated seats in the Field next August, the others having been reserved for ‘Monsieur’ Bogge and Lord Po, although it is open to them to hand them over to corporates with a client base interested in the commercial possibilities of flonking at the highest international level.

Officials are hoping that the 2012 championships will not see a recurrence of the 2008 ‘swadger’ controversy, when contestants were suspected of using a dwile knitted from man-made fibre instead of the traditional Dutch cloth. Both Flonkers and Girters will also be randomly tested to ensure they have not been sampling ale from the gazunder used between snurds.

Frenchie Bogge emphasised that the International Committee would not tolerate any lowering of standards: ‘The jobanowl (referee) has been instructed to levy drinking penalties on any player found not taking the game seriously enough.’

The redecoration of the Girting Chamber was completed on time and just under the budget of £45.00, and plans are well advanced for the post-championship ‘legacy’ which will see the Chamber reverting to it’s previous use as the public bar of the Stoat and Flagon Inn, available for functions and weddings, at pre-legacy prices, although the pub will also consider offers from West Ham.

‘Imagine my surprise when I saw, at the far end of a long, high room, a big wooden thing in the shape of a cross – you know, the sort of thing Madonna wears – and nailed on the front of it was a statue of a man.’ 

‘Now this is the really spooky bit – the man looked just like Jesus – you know, the guy who is always appearing on bits of toast and marmite lids.  I was absolutely gobsmacked!’  Following his amazing experience, Miles is now considering becoming a Buddhist monk: ‘I think Jesus was one of them, wasn’t he?’

Critics have expressed concern that the island could soon be covered in skyscrapers and there are also worries that British sovereignty over the island will be waived in exchange for the extraordinary cash settlement.  Resident Ken Dibbel, 69, explained local anxieties.  ‘Apparently the entire population of China, standing shoulder to shoulder, could fit on the Isle of Wight - is this how they’re going to deal with their overpopulation problem?  Well they’ll have to breathe in during peak season; I’ll tell you that for nothing!’

First trip to London could easily have been day of bombings

The Freshwater Argus today reported the remarkable case of Horace Dobbins, 72, who is counting his blessings after it dawned on him that he could have been aboard the stricken Air France plane that disappeared over the Atlantic.  ‘If only I’d overcome my fear of flying, gone to Brazil on a whim and returned on that very flight, it could have been me,’ said Horace.  ‘It really makes you think.’

‘He’s led a charmed life,’ wife Elsie told reporters.  ‘It’s spooky he wasn’t anywhere near the World Trade Centre when those planes hit.  But for a twist of fate, Horace could have been 35 years younger and working as a financial analyst in New York on that fateful morning, not collecting his pension in the town he’s lived his entire life.’

Fitting in well with the other patients

Labour Party managers have been criticised for thrusting a simple Scot with learning difficulties into the spotlight when he was clearly not able to cope.  Gordon Boyle, who won Britain’s Got Prime Ministers two years ago, has suffered under the glare of the media spotlight ever since, and was last night admitted to the Priory with nervous exhaustion and what specialists have already diagnosed as a ‘charisma and credibility deficit’.

It is thought that Gordon Boyle’s problems came to a head after he lost out in a recent popularity contest.  Staff at the Priory will now give him the help and support he needs to recover, but have warned that he may be better suited to a less high-profile role in future.

Arthur’s widow Maisie, 75, tearfully explained that her late husband was meticulously polite all his life, and believed it was good manners to answer all correspondence promptly. ‘He was a good man,’ sobbed Maisie. ‘He believed in good, old fashioned manners and efficiency. He served 45 years in the Ministry of Agriculture and always boasted that he would clear his in-tray every day before leaving work. But just lately he became very depressed by the over-whelming number of emails he was getting. He was struggling to keep up with answering them all properly.’

Mr Spriggs first bought a computer three years ago to keep in touch with their son Barry, who had emigrated to Australia. Mrs Spriggs explained that all was well for a couple of years, and he even managed to keep up with acknowledging all the various joke circulars; forwarding round chain letters and petitions to ten friends; and politely declining invitations to help out potentially wealthy Nigerians. ‘But in the last few months the number of messages went up and up until it was thousands a day. Arthur was really fed up but he felt he just had to answer them all properly. That’s the way he was brought up, and it killed him in the end.’

Police investigating the incident found that the last 438 messages in Mr Spriggs’s sent folder read: ‘Dear Sir, I refer to your esteemed correspondence of the 18th inst. I beg to inform you that the length and girth of my penis is adequate for the requirements of my dear wife. I therefore must regretfully decline your kind invitation. I remain, sir, your humble servant, Arthur Spriggs.’

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‘Both religions are saying basically the same thing,’ said Rahman Muhammed bin Williams as he now wishes to be known, ‘and I hope to bring together two aspects of these two major world faiths. So we will still have the Church of England Christingle Jumble Sale, but instead of getting a jar of home made jam in the raffle, the winner gets to drive a car bomb into the American Embassy.’

Dr Williams has said that it is important for England’s established church to reflect the cultural and religious diversity within today’s Britain. This point was reiterated by the Rastafarian Bishop of Durham, who was later arrested when police became suspicious about the contents of his incense burner. This follows his controversial presentation of Sunday’s Songs of Praise with such classic hymns as ‘All things Bright and Beautiful’ and ‘I and I in a Babylon situation’

Dr Williams dismissed the latest controversy as he headed off to buy a glittery tissue box holder for the back of his car. ‘Let us not forget that as Archbishop of Canterbury I am not head of the Church of England. That priviledge remains with the Defender of the Faith, Her Majesty the Queen. Or Shariz –El- Izbeth as she now wishes to be known.’