‘This is a stitch up; that sample has been tampered with!’ claimed the man many had expected to become America’s first black president. ‘How come it’s Fox News and the outgoing president that are in charge of political drug testing?’ Mr Obama’s sample allegedly contained unusually high levels of adrenaline, testosterone and beta blockers, even though he strenuously denies taking drugs. His situation was not helped by some of the celebrity supporters who rushed to defend his integrity. The athlete Marion Jones and musicians Snoop Dogg and Whitney Houston, all excused the test results with the explanation that he had been under a lot of pressure recently.

Under the rules, the title should pass to his nearest challenger, but a separate post race invesigation has found that Team McCain breached the strict regulations surrounding modifications and/or adjustments to bodywork and chassis, finding their political vehicle ‘almost entirely powered by launch control, pistons, puppetry and computers’. McCain will almost certainly have his points deducted from this final tally, with the result that the title is retained by the previous winner for the next four years.

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Top celebrities have called for urgent international co-operation after it was revealed that man’s activities on Earth are now threatening the horizon itself. Bob Geldof, Sting and Madonna are among the stars who are planning a huge concert to highlight the plight of the diminishing horizon, which scientists estimate could disappear completely by 2050.

The extended barrier that separates the earth from the sky has long been recognized as a miracle of nature; made up of a gaseous, semi-permeable mesh; with holes large enough to allow rain and birds to pass through, but small enough to block bits of sky and clouds.

Environmental scientist Jeff Woad claims the damage is being caused by the boom in aviation, as every flight rips a huge hole in the horizon’s protective membrane. ‘If we keep going like this, the sky and sea will merge into one; drowning birds and leaving fish gasping for oxygen. We’ll look out to distance expecting to see green fields meeting blue sky, but it all be mixed up into a sort of muddy brown colour.’

The first clear signs of environmental damage came on Boxing Day 2004, when scientists noticed a slab of sky the size of the Isle of Wight had broken through a crack in the horizon and was heading towards the Australian town of William Creek. Disaster was narrowly avoided as Australians used high pressure water hoses to alter the trajectory of the falling sky, instead bringing it down safely in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Former Tomorrow’s World Presenter Judith Hann today added her own voice to the calls for action, saying ‘If we don’t do something now, what will we we say to our kids in years to come? ‘Yes son, rainbows did used to be in the sky, but now they’re just lying about broken on the floor because I wanted a weekend mini break in Prague…’ Well I don’t think I could live with myself, could you?’ However an American research team are confident that swift action now could still save the rainbow; although sadly, only in a black and white version.

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London Magistrates have issued a restraining order against a man accused of conducting a twelve day campaign of harrassment and intimidation which has ruined a young woman’s Christmas and caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to her house.

The court heard how David Merryweather met Jane Ramsey just before Christmas while speed dating, and immediately developed a fixation with her. ‘Although he’d only just me, he immediately started calling me his ‘True Love’, which I found a little weird’, a distressed Ms Ramsey admitted. ‘I didn’t really think too much of it, but then a few days later a small tree thing turned up on the doorstep with this crazy little fat bird in it.’

Ms Ramsey said that over the next four days, a total of ten birds of varying sizes appeared in her garden. ‘The noise and the smell was just awful’ the court heard.

Things worsened over the next week. Magistrates heard how on consecutive days, Mr Merryweather filled Ms Ramsey’s house with ovulating geese, a herd of dairy cattle, a flock of swans, the cast of Riverdance and a dozen aristocrats – who Ms Ramsey suspects were high on cocaine.

Further torment was caused by a group of bagpipers, who played ‘Scotland the Brave’ continuously outside her bedroom window one night. The court also heard that West End percussionists ‘Stomp’ were hired by Mr Merryweather to play throughout the night. Speaking under oath, Ms Ramsey then told how Mr Merryweather had given her five gold sovereign rings, bought from Elizabeth Duke. ‘Who the hell wears five sodding gold rings? ‘Who does he think I am, a drug dealer?’

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President Bush made a speech to Congress today in which he made a compelling case for military action against Iran – on the grounds that they were now in possession of so-called ‘Mythological Weapons’.

Using top military intelligence gathered from Wikipedia, Mr Bush stated ‘Iran has openly admitted that it has been seeking to gain control of mythological weapons for many moons. We always knew they had Angra Mainyu; a giant of a man with a spotted body and two horns. We now know they also have Aži Raoiita, or Red Dragon. We have sattelite evidence they are prepared to use Aži Višapa, the Dragon of Poisonous Slaver, and Gandarša the yellow-heeled monster of the sea that can swallow twelve provinces at once.’

The Pentagon believe they have compelling evidence that Mr Ahmadinejad is prepared to use these terrible weapons against the West and that a three headed dragon attack could reach New York in under 45 minutes. Many in the Pentagon are urging military action before the fantasy monsters are unleashed. A recent poll has revealed that a majority of Americans are in favour of a pre-emptive strike against Tehran, with half of the sample favouring conventional bombing and the other half suggesting an attack by either Superman or the Fantastic Four.

Political journalists in the White House listened intently to every detail of the weapons and warriors that the Iranians have apparently developed from Persian mythology, but were incredulous at the President’s proposed response; ‘We will invade Iran and bring about the same peace and stability that we have brought to Iraq’ he said to laughter and heckling; ‘You guys are living in some kind of crazy fantasy world!’ shouted one observer.

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I.T. expert Dave Ward has announced his retirement from international football in a formal letter to England boss Steve Mclaren.

Speaking from outside a pub in Staines, Dave said ‘For years I felt as if the world was at my feet and that I could achieve anything I wanted. But now I find myself nearing the end of my meaningful playing career. I still draw great pleasure from playing the beautiful game and always felt that my relative seniority gave me wisdom coupled with the precociousness of today’s youthful talent. However as time has marched unstoppably onwards, the advancing years have taken much of my former sharpness and pace; making it harder and harder to meet the challenge the of the world’s best players on a level playing field. It is for this reason that I must, regrettably, announce my retirement from international football. I feel at 37 years of age, my best days are behind me. I can no longer compete at the very highest level and consequently I think I should not be considered for inclusion in future England squads.’

David has played intermittently for his work’s five-a-side team, including a couple of eleven-a-side games that were organized against the firm’s Maidenhead branch. The defender’s distinctive style will be remembered by anyone who saw the ball fly directly upwards every time he attempted to clear it.

‘I am looking forward to spending more time with my family, relaxing and generally enjoying life without the associated pressures that come with international competition. I may also invest in a small country pub, ideally with unexplained farming equipment hanging from every wall. Should my dream become reality, I hope you will one day stop in and join me for a pint.’

Mr Mclaren has yet to formally accept Ward’s retirement; possibly indicating he may yet be called into action against Estonia in October, although Dave’s mate Gary remains available for international duty.