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Tesco to attract ‘better class of customer’ with Waitrose price-match

Tesco bosses have announced a new price-match promotion which they hope will attract a ‘better class of affluent customer’ into their stores. The price-match with Waitrose will guarantee that no equivalent product in Tesco is ever sold cheaper than Waitrose.

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Posted: May 3rd, 2015
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Tracking bracelet for non-offenders launched – ‘Apple Watch’

A new big-government inspired tracking program for all citizens has been launched in the US, the UK and many other countries this week.

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Posted: Apr 28th, 2015
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UKIP pledge to restore Marathon and Opal Fruits

The UKIP Election Manifesto has pledged to restore the British Marathon and Opal Fruit brands as part of their campaign to reverse what they call a ‘foreign conspiracy [to] … rebrand all our beloved product names to things that sound stupid when we ask for them in a shop’.

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Posted: Mar 27th, 2015
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Scientists claim 2013 may have shortest February on record

predictions made after consulting horoscopesResearchers at the Institute for Applied Theoretics, in Basel, France, claim that climate change is increasing the risk of shorter Februaries, and predict that in 2013 the month will be exceptionally short.

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2014
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Premier League match abandoned after no-one brings a ball

Warnock's dad could take van Gaal's dad any dayLast night’s Premier League fixture between Manchester United and Crystal Palace was abandoned after it turned out that neither team had brought a football with them.

“We’re very upset”, Palace manager Neil Warnock stated, “because last season we took our own ball to Old Trafford and they promised they would bring the ball next time.”

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Posted: Nov 29th, 2014
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