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Other stories by bonjonelson

Condemnation for Olympic Cockney cull

Although the number of Cockneys in the wild has dwindled in recent years,  the East End still has sizeable breeding groups as no culls have been authorised in London since the1980s when Norman Tebbit travelled around the East End dispatching them with Thatcher’s personal crossbow.

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2012
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British public have already forgotten who Will.I.Am is

This is a further blow to the Legion of Doom impersonator – he was recently said to be heartbroken when Cheryl Cole, the geordie pop-mimer who perfomed on one of his singles, mistook him for washroom attendant at a leading London nightclub and started demanding complementary lollipops and squirts of CK One.

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Posted: Jun 20th, 2012
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Mobsters bemoan new EU ‘opt-in assassination’ clause

Mobsters, hit-men, and serial assassins have joined forces to condemn new European Union regulations which prohibit any persons that have a ‘beef with the boss’ being ‘checked into the wooden Waldorf’ unless they have given their express written permission in triplicate first.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2012
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Olympics security latest: Royal Navy to deploy depth charges near strategic sewers

‘There is still the small but measurable risk of a one-man suicide submarine traversing London’s Victorian-era sewers, arriving under the Olympic village and launching cruise missiles through an uncovered toilet.’

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Posted: May 2nd, 2012
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NHS proudly unveils new type 3 diabetes

eager upgraders now queueing round the blockThe National Health Service today unveiled the long-expected new type 3 diabetes to a packed press conference in Hammersmith, claiming it is the ‘best ever’ version of the disease. Simply referred to as ‘The New Diabetes’, this updated condition has already taken the US by storm, with obese people literally jumping with joy (albeit not very high) at the new features of this ailment.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2012
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