‘We love our customers dearly’, said a spokesman for ASDA, ‘but for the benefit of society, they shouldn’t be allowed to breed.’

Doses of contraceptive medication will be concentrated in the stores’ pizza, crisps and fizzy drinks aisles, in order to prevent the occasional hungry sales rep from being removed from the gene pool by accident when they pop in for a sandwich.

Worried scientists have proved that advanced alien civilisations will now be aware of the pointless banal drudgery that is human civilisation, and will therefore conceal all signs of intelligent life from us.

‘We’re pretty sure the Galaxy is teeming with life,’ said the president of the Royal Society. ‘But quite frankly, we’re now sure they’re simply hiding from us after we’ve been stupid enough to let them see this banal pap.’

Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment.

‘The state should be there for those who have no other income’ said the work and pensions secretary. ‘It’s not there for people who can’t be bothered to stand under a lamppost and then give head in the back of a transit van.’

Women’s groups were outraged by the move, stating that the flood of ‘unskilled slappers’ entering the market would put professional ho’s out of business. ‘Some of them could even end up on the streets’, said a spokeswoman.

Responding to questions on the Today programme, the Prime Minister said that it was ‘simply untrue’ that throwing missiles at people’s heads was bullying. ‘I may occasionally get in a temper and throw a missile or two,’ said Mr. Brown, ‘but I just don’t see how blowing someone’s car up whilst they’re driving it can be seen as bullying.’

Anonymous phone calls received to a bullying helpline reported that several Taleban were ‘losing the will to fight’ after repeatedly being the victim of daily air-strikes. One fighter, who didn’t wish to be named, described how he felt ‘depressed, victimised and unappreciated’, after being shot at, bombed, and repeatedly shelled during his 6-month operational tour.

The UK government has responded angrily to the claims, ‘Just because we give Al-Qaeda terrorists passports and a weekly benefit cheque doesn’t mean we’re supporting terrorism.’ But with the UK having previously attacked countries regardless of whether they have any genuine links to Al-Qaeda, the UK government is likely to be well aware that a swift invasion cannot be ruled out.

Independent observers have confirmed tonight that UK warplanes have been seen over the skies of the UK, in what has been said by commentators to be a ‘worrying escalation of tensions’.

The Sun supported swift military action against the UK, demanding that ‘our boys show them who’s boss. No, show us, who’s boss. Well, whatever’

Through the use of MRI brain scanners, the team from St. Mary’s Hospital Neurology Unit have managed to implant in her head the idea that surviving solely on apples and pasta is not possible, and she has now been successfully convinced to eat a burger.

‘This is a remarkable breakthrough for medical science,’ said the team’s chief scientist, Dr Adrian Bell. ‘We were previously unable to explain successfully to teenage girls that eating meat was a normal part of a diet, and trying to survive with no iron or B12 was a miserable way to be. This is revolutionary research which will give hope to relatives of vegetarians everywhere – it is possible to convince a lethargic, pasty and morbid teenage girl to actually have a ham sandwich occasionally.’

A spokesman for the Corpse Corps said: ‘There are many jobs the dead can do perfectly adequately, such as security guards and members of the House of Lords. It’s entirely outmoded to force these people to retire.’

Hospice resident Frank Brown said: ‘I’m delighted. I’ve got a family to support and it gives me great comfort to know that I’ll be able to work again. Quite frankly, I don’t see how my job advertising a golf sale will be affected by my demise.’

‘Neanderthals ruled Europe for tens of thousands of years,’ said a spokesman, ‘and possessed sophisticated linguistic and manufacturing skills. In no way can they be compared to a tribe whose primary cultural event is the kicking of a pig’s bladder and the ritualistic chanting of offensive slogans.’

Arsenal fans have responded angrily with aggressive displays, including chest beating, roaring and aggressive posturing. Some individuals, having mastered basic tool use, were able to pick up nearby heavy objects and throw them at the speaker.

‘I think that’s one nil to us,’ said the Neanderthal spokesman.