Initially, relations between the two leaders appeared tense but attitudes softened as Mr Cameron confessed to liking Mrs Merkel’s tough call for austerity. She in turn began referring to Mr Cameron as her little ‘vornehm junge’ or ‘posh boy’.”

German MP Johan Schmitt commented: “Angela has secretly always had a soft spot for David. She once told me over dinner that she was very attracted to his smooth skin ‘like waxed fruit’, his insouciant chin and his cute way of trying to do that Blair chopping-thing with his hands. It’s a classic case of will-they/won’t-they as behind the scenes everyone suspects they’ve been out to shaft each other all along.”

Bloomberg Political Affairs correspondent Jonathan Brent said: “Chancellor Merkel wasted no time in getting down to business with the Prime Minster before pressing him on tough measures to stabilise the euro. Mr Cameron began taking long shallow breaths, his skin moist with perspiration and loosened his tie as the German Chancellor slowly moved her hand up his thigh. Mrs Merkel then pressed him on the single currency.”

“Cameron suggested going back to his room to discuss things further over a Schweppes and a miniature Gordon’s. At first Mrs Merkel was reluctant, feeling perhaps that the Germans had been stretched enough over the euro crisis. However, Mr Cameron insisted he wanted to vigorously debate a fiscal transaction tax, which proved too powerful for her to resist.”

BBC Political Editor Nick Robinson, who had unprecedented access to the meeting via a keyhole, reported: “The Prime Minister was clearly thinking of England as he went head to head with the Chancellor. He’s aware that some in Germany might criticise Britain for not putting a bit more into the union, especially at a time when others are contemplating pulling out.”

As a warm night breeze settled on the Alexanderplatz, Mr Cameron drew Mrs Merkel close and suggested adjusting her position on the European Central Bank. The musky scent of his body filled her nostils as she abandoned herself to the possibility of a major intervention. The Chancellor whispered, “nein nein” but her resistance only seemed to inflame Cameron further.

Afterwards the Prime Minister said the two countries enjoyed a good relationship and that protecting the euro meant getting behind Mrs Merkel, especially in tight situations like those currently being experienced in the Eurozone.

Downing Street refused to comment on specific details of the meeting but summed up the Prime Minister’s approach with the words, “ding dong”.

Much of the criticism came after Clarkson decided to swap spouses, and was seen clambering into an ex-wife, whom he declared an ‘absolute classic’. He then attempted to cross the finishing line ahead of Richard ‘hamster’ Hammond who did the whole thing in the same sporty blond.

Clarkson defended his decision to swap, claiming that he had ridden his current wife all the way down from Gloucester and she had overheated on the M42 outside Redditch. ‘I was hanging on for dear life, praying to God I didn’t have a blowout,’ explained Clarkson. ‘I didn’t want her leaking all the way back, so I thought, hey why not get out the old crate and give her a spin.

‘There was nothing in the rules saying I couldn’t swap the missus, despite James May’s usual protests. But then you should have seen the clapped out old thing he showed up in. It’s a wonder he finished at all,’ he added

In the end Hammond came first by a fraction of a second.

Clarkson however remained bullish, saying: ‘He was in a newer model, but was going far too fast with more understeer… than a pig… with no front legs. It was obvious he’d completely lose his way and end up in the wrong bush, which is actually minus ten points, and straight to the bottom of the cool wall. ‘

‘So he was lucky. And I probably lost about 2 or 3 seconds anyway due to foreplay, which as any of my wives will tell you is longer than I normally take in the wet.’

Malcolm Rennie, BBC Head of Defending Clarkson, said: ‘Top Gear is the most popular show on BBC2, it is shown in 86 territories and generates annual merchandising sales in excess of £4.8 million. So Jeremy could cook and eat a pensioner live on air and we wouldn’t give a donkey’s fuck. But thanks for asking.’

On next week’s show a more rigorous comparison of the wives will be carried out by the Stig.

Clive Tuck, who represented Bickersly South, is reported to have driven his car off a cliff at a secluded beauty spot after first lashing his hands to the wheel and consuming an entire bottle of whiskey.

Mr Tuck’s death comes less than 48 hours after fellow Tory rebel John Whitcroft was found decapitated whilst mowing trees at his country estate; while junior Minister Malcolm Burke was discovered floating in Bassenthwaite Lake after undertaking a fishing trip at three in the morning.

Mr Cameron said: “We have lost valued, albeit treacherous, colleagues. But I think we should avoid jumping to conclusions about how these unrelated and entirely accidental deaths occurred. No-one ever really quits the Conservative party and I like to think that this is something they realised just before the end.”

Detective Chief Inspector Mike Blunt, who is leading the enquiry, said: “None of these men had a history of taking their own lives, but nevertheless we cannot rule out the possibility of suicide. It is odd, I’ll grant you, but then so is the fact that it is impossible to lick your own elbow and yet you can’t blame that on the government whips.”

Conservative Parliamentary private secretary Gavin Stork resigned in order to take part in the vote, and told the BBC that many Eurosceptic rebels are now in fear of their lives. He said: “I just don’t know who to trust. Every time I hear someone at the door I think it must be William Hague, here to give me a going over in the style of an even blander and more monotonous George Smiley.

“Of course, we aren’t engaged in some sort of vendetta,” said Mr Cameron. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear, people are entitled to their own differing and often dangerous views. I’m sure the conspiracy nuts and other cranks will have a field day trying to link these brutual accidents with the EU vote. However, I would much rather offer my heartfelt condolences to the families of the four, sorry, three people who have died thus far.”

“Eric and Ernie often shared a bed without anyone assuming there was something going on,” said Dr Fox, “and it’s exactly the same when Adam and I bunk down for the night. Often I’ll be reading important defence papers, wot I wrote, and he’ll just sit there quietly smoking his pipe.”

BBC political correspondent Mark Sampson said that most people would be satisfied that this is all about accessing political influence and good old-fashioned greed, rather than opposition hints that things might have gone a bit ‘Torchwood’.

In response to the allegations Dr Fox immediately ordered a thorough investigation of himself maintaining there had been no breach of security or the ministerial code and that Mr Werritty is completely trustworthy, before hastily leaving the country. He explained: “If you trust someone enough to let them be your best man, spike your drink, take polaroids of a stripper shaving your bits and then letting them handcuff you to railings in nothing but your pants then surely you can trust them with the plans of a new missile defence system?”

The double-act of cabinet minister and unexplained bloke have been inseparable for many years with Mr Werritty even accompanying the Foxes on their honeymoon where he would pop up with annoying regularity and ask if anyone fancied hiring a jet-ski. The two men also went on other foreign trips together. Mr Werritty said: “It’s just like going on holiday with your bezzie mate, except instead of going somewhere wank like Benidorm, we get to go to Dubai and Sri Lanka. Ok, so during the day it’s all ‘blah blah tomahawk missiles or blah blah cluster bombs’ but at night we just hit the bars and get proper shit-faced.”

Amid further allegations that Mr Werritty also spent many hours in Dr Fox’s office, with the pair playing Killzone 3 on the PS3, drinking beer and watching Judd Apatow movies, the Times also suggests Mr Werritty has been handing out business cards showing the pair ‘goofing around’ in a photo booth, and describing himself as the minister’s go-to-guy. Werritty has denied the cards were improper and as proof produced a string of other cards including one on which he has titled himself, “The Duke of Awesome”.

Meanwhile, senior civil servants have requested copies of all memos and documents relating to meetings between business acquaintances of Mr Werritty and Dr Fox. The Defence Secretary said: “I will of course give them all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”

‘From anyone else these accusations would prompt very serious questions, but unfortunately from Ms Mills they just make you roll your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and go la, la, la,’ said Tory MP John Whittingdale, head of the media select committee. ‘We’re dealing here with a woman who, even if she told you herself that she only had the one leg, you’d still do a quick count to be on the safe side. She thinks veracity’s a fashion designer. How can we choose between them? It’s impossible – why couldn’t I be asked to decide on something simpler like whether to turn off someone’s life support machine?’

Fellow committee member Tom Watson MP agreed. ‘Christ, and then you’re left with the option of believing Piers Morgan – a guy who is rumoured to have given a false name during his wedding vows. If his pants were anymore aflame, you’d think Hell was having an open day.’

After discussing the matter for over nine gruelling hours on the day following Ms Mills’ allegations, the Committee was no closer to knowing who to believe. ‘You would imagine that coming from a world knee-deep in Nixons, Clintons, Aitkens and Archers this would be shit off a bull’s back,’ said MP Louise Mensch. ‘But this is probably the first time I’ve encountered two people capable of four-faced lying.’

Labour MP Jim Sheridan added it ‘would be immensely helpful to the work of the committee if both Morgan and Mills would agree to appear before MPs, and then on their way in, drive off a cliff.’

While the Committee’s deliberations continue, Ms Mills has made futher allegations claiming that while in Piers Morgan’s company he admitted he was a warlock and that she witnessed him drink the blood of kittens. In turn, Mr Morgan has sought to draw a line under the matter by arguing that while the alleged illegal hacking was taking place he was playing cards with close friends royal butler Paul Burrell and former Prime Minister Tony Blair. ‘If anyone doubted my word, there’s no way they’d doubt Paul’s and Tony’s,’ he said.

Colonel Gafaffi first met Brooks, then Rebekah Wade, while taking part in a military documentary with her former husband, the actor Ross Kemp. ‘I remember meeting this squat tough sinewy, bull-necked character and thinking, ooh who’s that with Ross? During dinner, Kemp suggested she might want to ease off on the carbs and she smashed him square in the face with a plate. I thought, you’ve got your work cut out for you there, mate. ‘She’s grown up accustomed to power, you understand? You have to remember she became the youngest ever editor of a national newspaper, at the age of twelve.’

An intensely private self-publicist, very little is known about Rebekah Brooks herself; she has always insisted that she may, or may not be, an enigma. After rising to power at News International with astonishing speed, and the highest number of confirmed kills, she is now considered the most powerful woman to be told what to do by Rupert Murdoch.

‘Hey, I’m something of a maverick myself,’ confesses Colonel Gadaffi, ‘so I totally get where she’s coming from. But you’ve only got to look at her now to realise that the lights are on, but everyone’s been escorted from the building.’

Gadaffi had previously praised Brooks for thriving in the macho pressure-cooker environment of tabloid journalism. He said: ‘If there is one thing that makes my blood boil it is Fleet Street’s rampant chauvinism, so you have to hand it to the little lady, she’s a smart cookie.’

David Cameron instructed Mr Clarke to put the matter “beyond doubt” and the Justice Secretary has confirmed that homeowners will also be legally entitled to murder Jehovah’s Witnesses, energy company sales people or people who’ve befriended you on holiday and then show up on your doorstep unexpectedly, years later.

He told journalists, people were entitled to use “necessary force” to protect their homes, and that he hoped a wall full of medieval weaponry such as maces, clubs and broadswords would once again become a familiar sight in the nation’s households. “Every man’s home is his castle,” said Mr Clarke, “and if he wants arrow slits then that has to be a huge improvement over all that ghastly stone-cladding and satellite dishes.”

He said that self-defence in the home had become an area of doubt, and added: “You wake up suddenly and hear a noise. Now, what should you do? Lie there and be murdered in your bed, because you don’t want a costly legal battle over whether you’ve infringed the burglar’s rights? No of course not, what you need to do is grab something solid and batter their face off.”

He went on to say: “Should the person you’ve clubbed to death turn out to be an elderly relative returning from the lavatory, who in the darkness resembled a 22-year old hoodie then I think the law should be able to say, oh well never mind, better luck next time.”

Under the terms of the new Criminal Justice and Immigration Act, homeowners who use a nine-iron to rearrange the cranium of a spotty young offender will have no fear of prosecution when they putt his eyes into the back of his skull.

“It’s a matter of ‘reasonable force’,” explained Mr Clarke, “and to me it seems perfectly reasonable that the victims of crime should want to bury the hatchet. Assuming of course that they keep the hatchet close at hand.” Mr Clarke said legal protection would not extend to anyone shooting a burglar in the back when they were fleeing. He said: “It’s just not sportsmanlike. Let them arm themselves with a chair leg or something and invite them to come at you. Then you can blast away, safe in the knowledge that it was you or them.”

Mr Clarke said that he was committed to reducing indeterminate prison sentences despite opposition from within his own party. He said one way to do this was to let homeowners “off the buggers” with an assortment of household objects including hammers, pokers and bits pulled off the wardrobe.

Mr Clarke has said he plans to defend his criminal justice agenda in the House, and then produced a large kitchen knife which he began waving indiscriminately.

‘Japan is the largest consumer electronics manufacturer in the world, with a reputation for exceptional quality and innovation,’ said retail analyst Scott Burrows today. ‘And with many popular titles due to be released on Blu-Ray very soon, the timing for many technology enthusiasts simply could not be worse.’

John McDermott, a lecturer from Bury-St-Edmonds, agrees. ‘The Star Wars films are out soon, not to mention Jurassic Park, and I had finally decided to dive into the digital arena. So, while this is obviously a terrible thing to have happened to the Japanese people, for the average home cinema enthusiast, it’s a disaster.’

Overnight there have been reports of fighting at several branches of Currys after people began queuing in the early hours to buy up remaining digital essentials. A stampede at an Argos in High Wycombe left eight people injured after a stack of catalogues toppled over. Eye witnesses said they had never seen devastation like it, and the clean-up operation could go on until late morning.

‘When the doors opened people rushed straight in, many of them not even bothering to fill out one of those little order forms with the little blue pen,’ said one shaken survivor. ‘The staff were simply not trained to cope with such a wave of spontaneous human shopping and many of them tried to flee to high ground up the conveyor belt to the warehouse.’

Japan is also the world leader in production of computer accessories, including 40% of the world’s supply of hard drives and memory cards, and there are now fears that demand for an average 4GB flash drive may force the price to soar by as much as £1.

‘I think it’s safe to say that the days of watching harrowing footage from Japan on a massive, but relatively inexpensive, Japanese-made TV are a thing of the past,’ observed Burrows.

On the BBC News website one agitated consumer posted, ‘Jesus Christ on a quad bike! How the hell am I supposed to back-up all this illegal music now? Why aren’t the British government doing more to help? You’d think the Chancellor might consider knocking a bit off the VAT again, under the circumstances.’

Michael Clarke, a chartered surveyor from Horsham, summed up the feelings of many when he said, ‘Please don’t say I have to start buying cheap British shit.’