NewsBiscuit

The Predator, a member of an aggressive alien warrior race, will today meet with David Cameron in an attempt to overturn the ban on hunting human beings for sport.

The previous government ruled that although The Predator does tend to single out muscle-bound lunks and snivelling gun-touting nutjobs, the use of active camouflage, plasma weapons and retractable wrist blades, still makes the hunt unnecessarily cruel.

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Posted: Jul 10th, 2010
More from Politics

Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been unceremoniously gonged off while attempting to consummate his marriage to long term girlfriend Celia Walden. A trio of celebrity judges considered Morgan’s performance to be ‘self-congratulatory’, ‘self-satisfied’ and ‘too smarmy by half’ and he was dragged off before he could finish.

According to one onlooker Daily Telegraph columnist Walden remained conscious and composed throughout. ‘I suppose she‘s used to it by now,’ he says, ‘but it was like she’d been attacked by that green thing off Ghostbusters.’

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2010
More from Arts/Entertainment

The Supreme Being says that he wants to set the record straight once and for all over His infamous appearance in Michelangelo’s picture ‘The Creation of Adam’. The flamboyant, but controversial Deity is said to be unhappy with how the fresco, one of the world’s most recognisable works of art, depicts Him.

‘For a start,’ says The Almighty, ‘I’m shown as an elderly bearded man wrapped in a swirling cloak. Whereas anyone who knows me, knows I’m an attractive young blonde woman in her mid-twenties, like Scarlett Johansson but less retarded looking. ‘I don’t want to appear vain or anything, but for some reason the old codger image has sort of stuck and now everyone thinks I look like an ageing Vangelis.’

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Posted: Jun 27th, 2010
More from World News

The Lord God Almighty and Satan, Prince of Darkness, have ruled out getting back together again, after enjoying wildly successful solo careers. God, relaxing in the Italian resort of Lake Como told reporters that it was extremely unlikely he would welcome Beelzebub back into the fold. ‘I know a lot of people would love to see it,’ says the Lord, ‘and the money’s on the table. But to be honest I’m not sure the old magic would still be there. I honestly don’t think we could bear to be in the same room together, it wouldn’t be fair on everyone else, and the tension would be unbearable.’

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Posted: Jun 25th, 2010
More from World News

Prince learning to love the shining patch in his regal thatch.

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2010
More from Celebrity, UK News