Originally designed to prolong the careers of celebrities as their original talent started to droop, or to add the illusion of depth where the talent was too thin to start with, the implants were initially hailed as a triumph with the likes of Boyzone and the Spice Girls in the 1990s.

They contain no harmful substances as such. In fact they work best when empty, although early examples contained a low-grade vacuum and were prone to implosion. For singers such as Robbie Williams, each collapse meant that in order to provide a sufficient ego boost, the next implant had to be even bigger than the one before.

Later models containing rarefied air were more stable and cheaper to manufacture. The implants were also reshaped so they could be inserted nasally without any specialist training, and soon the practice was no longer restricted to TV producers and talent show mentors seeking to provide a quick-fix boost to the fragile egos in their care.

Teachers and parents everywhere began giving implants to millions of children to provide instant self-esteem. ‘It was so much easier than the traditional methods of working to develop something of real substance, or accepting what nature had given you,’ rued one utterly despondent teacher, who is considering the procedure for himself.

But with the recent irrationally optimistic behaviour of Eurozone leaders – all thought to be carrying the implants – highlighting the inherent flaws in the procedure, a major review has been undertaken and the conclusions are worrying. ‘It appears that the hot air inside the implants causes them to expand as time goes on, gradually pushing out genuine brain tissue, leading to a frenzy of public apathy,’ said a scientist. ‘Unless urgent action is taken, we’ll have created a whole generation of complete airheads.’

‘It will be a difficult task for anyone to understand the nature of the problem and have the balls, and yes, a big enough ego to act decisively,’ he added. ‘We recommend an upgrade to Ego Implant version 2.343, manufactured by PIP.’

Tibby is in intensive care on a feline drip, but the minute she recovers any strength she attacks the tube with her teeth, wrestles it from her arm and tangles herself up in it, hastening her demise.

Today almost all cats are resistant to cat food in one or more of its forms, and Tibby’s story is disturbingly commonplace. The accidental discovery of canned cat food by research chemists in the 1930s ushered in a new era of well-fed cats for whom the only defence against starvation had previously been condescending to accept scraps of human food or disturbing their sleep for hours at a time to catch mice.

Indiscriminate cat food use soon led to acquired resistance and the need for ever-improved flavours and textures. R&D departments vied with one another to patent new blockbusters. Container solutions escalated from cans to foil trays and pouches. A proliferation of variants based on fish, meat, in jelly or gravy, and a whole parallel universe of dried food, flooded an unregulated market.

Campaigners failed to prevent the spread to third world countries where owners would starve so they could buy expensive cat food. Unrepentant sales executives said it was more than food, it was a lifestyle experience that people had the right to choose for their cats, but uncontrolled use led to candemics.

Experts recommend a strict protocol, starting on supermarket own brands and only graduating to stronger ranges as resistance develops. With sparing use, the available range of foods will cover any cat’s natural lifespan. But unscrupulous manufacturers get them young. Owners of kittens as young as six weeks approach suppliers when their cat seems a bit picky and insist on a pouch. Once kittens eat specialist gourmet food, they can progress to food for senior cats before the age of one, with catastrophic results.

Scientists say fears that the malaise could cross the species barrier to humans are unfounded. They have yet to encounter a human who could resist chips, even when fruit and vegetable intolerance is complete.

Stock markets have responded positively to news that Toyland’s Prime Minister Santo Nicalosi, better known as Santa Claus, or Sugar Daddy Christmas to his closest female admirers, is to step down after arranging a final delivery of toys for December.

Leading analyst Jeremy Warner said that without the implementation of severe austerity measures, including the adoption of a payment-based business model which would face severe competition from the likes of Amazon, Toyland would default on its debts and this could lead to a world economic catastrophe far more severe than the 2008 banking crisis.

‘In recent years, Toyland has lived way beyond its means as it struggled to deliver ever more exotic presents free of charge to children in Europe and North America,’ said Warner. ‘It no longer produces most of the toys that are delivered and has had increasingly to rely on cheap goods and credit from China and Southeast Asia.’

Toyland’s manufacturing base is no longer a major employer but service sector employees will be hit hard by austerity measures. ‘I’m due to retire at 35 on full salary next year, said a party facilitator elf. Suddenly there will be no jobs and no pensions. I suppose I’ll have to emigrate, but I was shocked to learn that my skills set only attracts the minimum wage in other countries, even with a Mickey Mouse degree. I might as well work tables or behind a bar.’

Lenders are expected to take a significant haircut as Toyland reschedules its debts after the IMF, ECB and Germany’s Bundesbank refused a euro bailout. However, unlike Never Never Land, Toyland is expected to honour its obligations, although repayments will be redenominated in Monopoly money.

More than one banker has said a haircut is the least Santa Claus can expect if he is caught, saying the revenge shaving won’t stop at ‘that manky beard’ or the Movember ‘tache. In addition, after he steps down, Claus will no longer be afforded criminal immunity against charges of creeping into millions of children’s bedrooms at night.

Professor AN Milton said it was simply inconceivable that a self-taught small-town American from Des Moines, Iowa, whose father used to take the family on holiday in a blue Rambler station wagon, could have sufficient appreciation of the society in which Shakespeare moved, or of the subtleties and nuances of his work, to be able to write such a convincing narrative.

‘I’ve nothing against Bryson,’ he said, ‘and I’m quite willing to believe he could pen the odd travel piece or organise a litter campaign, but beyond that he is not the man that he would gladly make show to the world he is. The true author has to be another. ‘

While many blame a culture which has seen console games replace outdoor play for the younger generation, it is not just kids who suffer from what has become known as Space And Time Neurological Awareness Vacuum, or SATNAV disorder. Adults as old as 49 can regularly be seen with their heads down, using their phone to cross busy roads and to negotiate their way through crowds instead of looking where they are going in the more conventional manner.

Ann Blunt, a representative of the smartphone industry, said that the pressures and complexity of modern life sometimes meant that people did not have the time or ability to calculate the optimum course or speed when walking, but needed to rely on an appropriate app.

‘In fact, in most circumstances it’s much safer to use a phone,’ said Ms Blunt. ‘It can pick up the speed and direction of every vehicle and pedestrian in the vicinity, as well as rates of change, leaving the user with nothing more complex to do than watch the screen and follow instructions. The phone even seems to predict when cars will screech to a halt or other people will dive out of the way; it’s uncanny.’

Even when users go to live sporting or music events, where they can safely view other people doing active things from a stationary position, many of them still prefer to take it in through their phones, which are thought to analyse and provide comments on the action and make it simpler to take in.

The only age group whose members can all navigate without looking at a hand-held screen are the over 70s, some of whom can still be seen talking into their phones, having not yet got over the novelty.

Unfortunately, calls for the achievement to be recognised as an official record have not succeeded. Colleagues claim the block had been worn down by previous attempts and was no longer of regulation size and shape, but more importantly the Guinness Book of Records has said that all record attempts must be witnessed before they can be ratified.

Mr Sanders said that while of course he would have no problems going while being watched, he had no wish to put himself through the arduous preparation process again. However, he is understood to be considering a further attempt provided the observer is in another room and uses a camera that only looks downwards and not sideways. He is also reported to be interested in a sponsorship offer by Guinness if he succeeds.

The worldwide popularity of urinal block pissing has led to calls for it to be recognised as an Olympic event at Rio de Janeiro in 2016 in place of the 50 kilometre road walk, but some fear this would detract from the amateur spirit of the sport. ‘In no time at all, it would become dominated by shameless leviathans with elephant-sized bladders and high-pressure dongs, achieving double or even triple circuits,’ said a spokesman. ‘Where’s the fun in that?’

Focus groups have however reported a ‘what’s not to like?’ response from teenagers and fans of programmes as diverse as X-Factor and QI, and work on a special stadium by makers of see-through squash courts has already been commissioned.

The couple had the idea after seeing the cheap deals available as many students chose to abandon planned gap years in favour of going to University before next year’s fee increases.

‘We scrimped and saved to buy that boy the best education possible and this is how he rewards us,’ said his father, John, 47, from the family home in Canterbury. ‘It was bad enough James missing out on both his choices, but what really hurt was receiving an offer through clearing from London Metropolitan University.’

Arguments about their son’s progress had brought John and his wife Linda close to divorce but this opportunity has reunited them. John will take voluntary redundancy and some undeclared stock from his job at the doomed Pfizer site in Sandwich, while Linda will quit her job in riot control at a Ramsgate secondary school. The number of Facebook party invitations has fallen considerably.

Having let out their house for a year, the couple say they intend to do every continent, try anything at least once and just chill generally, but tour company operators fear the worst. ‘We normally get away with awful facilities, some ladyboys and a bit of bungee jumping,’ said a representative. ‘We know sod all about the actual countries themselves, but this lot are checking Trip Advisor, insisting on edible food and expecting a detailed itinerary.

‘The kids don’t even wake up on the on the overland trip to Gibraltar to get to Africa, never mind drink, but their parents are demanding to take in Champagne, Burgundy and Bordeaux at no extra cost before we even leave France. They wanted Tours as well, but it’s obvious that they’d be too pissed and too busy trying to cop off with each other to even bother looking round.’

In his excitement to tell reporters, he pointed his AK-47 skywards and unleashed a few rounds, but then he immediately put on his helmet and advised the reporters to do the same.

‘When you think about it, it’s obvious,’ said a jubilant Ahmed, as a nearby spectator collapsed in a heap with a hole in his head. ‘What goes up must come down. It’s not rocket science: it’s basic physics. When the crowds cheer as we turn up on the back of a Toyota pickup, we celebrate by firing in the air and accidentally killing a few of them. Talk about ironic!’

Scientists believe Ahmed has made a major evolutionary leap, but it is highly unlikely that he will survive to pass on what has become known as the ‘Newton gene’ to another generation. Even if he does, and it is probable that other gunmen have done so in the past, his offspring may not turn out to be gunmen and will not require the new skills.

Evidence from the rest of society shows that the Newton gene may be less widespread than previously thought, and social scientists warn against complacency. Strangely, it is very common among the less sophisticated, such as footballers and golfers, who benefit enormously from their ability to hit balls in the air and be instinctively aware of where they will come down.

On the other hand, the gene is almost entirely absent in educated householders and investors, as well as Daily Mail readers, who in every generation experience unexpected negative equity and stock market crashes.

Ahmed’s interview ended tragically. On being told by a reporter that despite his new-found awareness he might soon qualify for a special Darwin Award, he raised his helmet and fired a celebratory volley into the sky.