An emergency summit of the Presidents and Prime Ministers of the G8 economies has hammered out a ‘workable rescue package’ that they claim will halt the current global economic meltdown and restore the markets to previous levels.

‘All these figures on the computers have got so complex and out of control, that we agreed it was probably best to turn the power off at the mains and see what happened when we turned them back on’ explained British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

The synchronized global switch off was set for 00.00 EST, with all the markets closed for the duration. Angela Merkel and President Sarkozy took the batteries out of the back of their laptops to make extra sure, while Russia put the abacus back in the draw. Bankers and stockbrokers across the world waited with baited breath to see what would happen when all the trading, banking and share-dealing computers were re-started.

‘It was amazing’ said Robert Zoellick, President of the World Bank. ‘A little animated paperclip popped up on the screen blinking at us and raising his eyebrows. ‘I see you have lent more money than could be guaranteed with your securities,’ it said. ‘Would you like some help restoring the flow of capital around the global markets?’ We just on clicked yes, and ‘Clippie’ sorted it all out. This whole global economic meltdown could have been averted if we had gone to ‘Microsoft Help’ tab and enabled the Office Assistant.

However the big switch off did have some casualties. Alistair Darling was seen taking his laptop into a computer shop in Tottenham Court Road, after apparently failing to back up a document he had been working on for some time. ‘I don’t mind about losing all my high-scores on all the games and everything,’ he was heard to say, ‘but I just really need to retrieve this one big file called ‘Budget.Doc’

The panel, more used to predicting results on abandoned Scottish second division football fixtures, were surprised to be called upon to take a view on the conflict, as they ‘don’t usually do internationals’, but when it was explained that with the current US financial markets bailout plan, a $700bn wager was riding on the result, they seized the opportunity. ‘We haven’t had a challenge like this since Doncaster Rovers versus Leeds United in the 3rd round of the 1978 FA Cup,’ claimed a Littlewoods spokesman ‘but we’re not afraid of calling the big decisions.’

Other world powers on all sides of the political divide initially criticised the decision to put the final say on the global ideological schism to a group of former international footballers and retired referees as ‘grossly irresponsible’, until they were informed that the only alternative would be to go to extra-time in the Bush presidency.

Speaking on behalf of the Bush administration Condoleeza Rice said the ‘lads were gutted’ by the decision. Al-Qaeda management refused all media interviews on the orders of Osama Bin-Laden, following BBC News allegations that one of his nephews was an unscrupulous Premiership football agent.

The CIA meanwhile, seemed surprisingly happy to work with the Littlewoods team of pundits, and expressed particular interest in the results of next week’s ‘Spot the Bin-Laden’ competition.

nealdoran, deskpilot, mr lizard13

Crystal meth, crack and skunk have all been added to the typical basket of UK goods used to measure inflation, the Office for National Statistics has announced. Speed, bennies, glue and chewing tobacco are all to be removed from goods used to measure the Retail Price Index.

Increased consumer spending on crystal meth and crack reflects changes in modern shopping habits says the government department, which updates its 650-strong basket of goods and services every year, to better reflect public spending trends. ‘Crystal meth and skunk have been added as the popularity of make-at-home drugs continues to rise.’ said an ONS spokesman.

The bureau’s website explained that skunk was being included for the first time to reflect the fact that rolling your own is now more popular than smoking illegally imported foreign cigarettes and because in volume terms it is thought to outsell most breakfast cereals. The removal of bennies from the basket reflects a move towards more exotic drugs and away from simple misuse of prescription drugs, which is increasingly seen as unadventurous and lacking in ambition, said the ONS.

The easy and legal availability of nicotine patches means that consumers are buying far less chewing tobacco. ‘It’s slow, messy and it tastes bad – but then someone told me to stick it on my arm,’ said one late convert to nicotine patches. Other items added to the basket include prunes, Red Bull, speed-camera fines, internet porn, and TV Easy. Items removed include Spangles, Crocks shoes, library fines, Asian Babes and a large number of England ‘Euro 2008′ shirts.

See also;

Talk to Frank drugs confidante was dope dealing smackhead

deskpilot (similar to previous submissions by Gerry Mander and CommonplaceGent)