The palace has already developed a number of partnerships with high street chain stores to produce Jubilee memorabilia at affordable prices. QVC’s jewellery hour is now advertised with the tagline ‘Diamonique: Fit For A Queen” whilst Argos has launched a new ‘Elizabeth Duke of Edinburgh’ range of cubic zirconia jewellery to mark the occasion.The palace is keen to stress that the modest celebrations will not just apply to the public. The royal household is said to have decided against hiring Elton John and Robbie Williams for the Queen’s private party and have looked at cheaper alternatives including a group of young boys who are doing well on Britain’s Got Talent, local mobile disco providers and Jedward.

A spokesman for the palace said ‘Her Majesty is adamant that we can have a great party on a budget. She’s told everyone that she doesn’t want much fuss and that she expects the whole family to muck in.’ Prince Edward is said to be doing the entertainment, the Middletons are providing the partyware, The Duchess of Cornwall is in charge of the bar and Beatrice is already designing some hilarious party hats.

The plans are said to be going extremely well and a palace insider confirmed that everyone has been very enthusiastic about rising to the challenge. ‘Everyone is really excited,’ said a junior royal. ‘We did have one nervous moment when Prince Harry said he would be in charge of fancy dress and Prince Philip said he could perform some amusing party songs but the Queen nipped it in the bud by saying that if they did anything like that she’d invite Fergie.’

Delighted receptionists have been fully empowered to use their considerable expertise in patient relations to spot repeat and unnecessary visits to real doctors from potential hypochondriacs and people needing a bit of attention. ‘Revolving door’ patients suffering from ‘feeling a bit poorly’ will be redirected for a consultation with a ‘placebo doctor’ in a room out the back where someone in a white coat with no qualifications at all but who looks the part will sigh sympathetically, deliver platitudes such as ‘Oh no, not again, you poor, poor thing’ and pack them off with a cheery wave and a one-day course of aspirin.

Critics have labelled the scheme as ‘patronising’ and ‘irresponsible’ but the NHS has fiercely hit back pointing out that placebo doctors will not be identified as such, so patients will be unaware that they’re not seeing a medical professional. And savings for the Health Service were already mounting up after early results showed a huge reduction in repeat visits from people suffering from colds, period pains and tiredness simply because they’d been given an appointment on the same day they asked for one.

But despite the upbeat tone the NHS was forced to concede that it wasn’t entirely going as well as they’d like. “We’ve been delighted that patients come out of the consultations with a spring in their step, a new outlook on life and a sense that they’re ready to face up to the challenges of the day. Then they discover we’ve introduced car park charges, and it sets them off all over again.”

One government spokesman said the growing trend for ‘normal’ accents is ‘undermining the gravitas and integrity of British science and must stop right now.’

The science minister has come short of pointing the finger of blame at anyone in particular but it is widely felt that the action has been taken in direct response to the BBC, which has let a number of northern scientists find their way onto prime time television.

The matter has come to a head with Professor Brian Cox, who has attracted criticism for trying to explain particle physics on BBC 1 with a strong Oldham accent. One unnamed critic said that he was ‘letting science down’ and added that ‘if he really cared about science he would have spent some time at the Large Hadron Collider developing an authentic European type accent.’

Staffing bills will be virtually wiped out by laying off current staff and appointing local people who are currently serving community service orders and ASBOs. It is hoped the newly rebranded ‘Wacky Start Centres’ will provide a much needed cash injection to children’s services, as well as supporting struggling pub landlords thanks to the high charges that the play centres traditionally apply to Turkey Twizzlers and Jagermeister.

A government spokesman said yesterday ‘anyone who has spent a Saturday afternoon in one of these places will know that there is no greater punishment than spending two hours surrounded by screaming hyperactive kids, so we might even straighten out a few crooks at the same time.’

At a press-conference, the ageing choreographer denied that merging the two roles could send out confusing signals to the public. ‘I’m very clear that my mission is to encourage the nation to engage in more dancing and less illicit drug-taking,’ she said. She went on to announce a new hard-hitting anti-dance pro-drugs campaign targeted at schools, with the slogan Just Say Paso Doble.

‘There’s no confusion,’ she said. ‘Ecstasy might help you dance all night, but it does nothing for your posture. You’d be better off slamming some meth if you want to achieve really amazing fleckerls – no, hang on, I probably shouldn’t have said that.’

Game suitable for up to 2.5m players

The Early Learning Centre has incorporated the current recession in its product range by launching a play-at-home Job Centre set for children aged 3-8.  The kit includes a counter window with toughened glass, lots of forms to fill in and a range of patronising responses to excuses for failing to find work.

‘We’ve always tried to make toys that educate children about the world,’ said a spokeswoman for the ELC, ‘and there’s no doubt this will stand them in good stead for when the time comes to claim benefits themselves.’  The product was tipped to be a Christmas best-seller, but sales slowed after children were pushed to the back of the queues for display models by their parents.

Critics claim that this trend could lead to many students abandoning plans to go into highly paid careers in favour of the less well paid world of librarianship, citing the example of ‘Michael’, a would-be law student who instead opted for ‘Information Management and Metadata Enrichment’ when flicking through a university prospectus.

‘All my life I have wanted to become a barrister, but then I found out I could learn how to enrich metadata, create taxonomies and facilitate the data transfer process I realised I’d be a fool not to get myself upstream in the digital future!  This book is two days overdue; that’ll be thirty-four pence please.’

To date the service has proved popular with the ‘can’t move on’ community. Posts sfrom thought leaders such as @NormanNoMates, who announced ‘My girlfriend dumped me for being boring but I already have 12 followers on here. Who’s unpopular now eh!’ have given a voice to a previously disenfranchised section of soceity.

The founder of Bitter has dismissed claims that their new site is depressing and takes advantage of vulnerable people. “Bitter is sensational and documents the ups and downs of real people’ he said. ‘Twitter has Stephen Fry. Bitter has Jordan.’