NewsBiscuit » games

Liverpool manager Dalglish sacked after no reversal of fortunes

games — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 12:00:02 +0000

Kenny Dalglish was sacked by Liverpool FC’s US owners following a miserable run of form, which has seen the Reds lose against arch rivals Man United, fail to score, and have their captain sent off in every match.

‘It was time for a change,’ explained owner John Henry. ‘We had a negative score early in the first quarter when they got one in the score bag to make it one zip. Then our ringleader Stefan Gerrard got a Card Red rejection for stud checking. Our speed play wasn’t in the hit zone and as Manchester had a shut out I went to our locker room and told the Top Coach he was fired.’

Mike Ashley, Chairman of Newcastle United slammed the decision, ‘These foreign owners don’t understand the British game,’ he commented, ‘I’d have sacked him at half time. A full 45 minutes to turn the team around should be ample.’

Apple claim the letter i and seek to ‘takeover the alphabet’

games — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 12:00:25 +0000

Apple Managing Director Steve Jobs has explained that following the successful launch of products such as the iPad, iTouch and iPhone, his company is to patent the letter i and ‘begin to takeover the alphabet’.

‘I have instructed lawyers to take an injunction out on anyone using the letter i. Having cornered the electronics market, diversifying into phonics seems logical and we are only talking about a 4% market share at this point. So from this moment on, the i is ours’.

Englsh language cause célèbre Lynn Truss announced that she was ‘horrfed by ths typographc development’, but London teenager Mchael Enrght (14), shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes, before telling reporters that he marginalised all the vowels from texts ‘snce ages ago LOL’.

fun and games

Griffin hits out at lax controls on bird migration

games — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:00:06 +0000

BNP leader Nick Griffin has hit out at lax border controls which are letting 20,000 foreign birds enter the UK every week. ‘It starts with a family of thrushes taking fruit picking work’ frothed Griffin, ‘then before you know it, there are winged immigrants everywhere, demanding mixed nuts and stale crusts handouts.’

Some communities have already seen a backlash to the migration, and a number of ‘indigenous’ birds have complained that social nesting boxes are swamped with an influx of refugee cuckoos, who are apparently expecting the state to look after their offspring. ‘They’re just a drain on scarce RSPB resources. Now, some of my best friends are blackbirds, but I just can’t stand them ill eagles you keep hearing about in the papers,’ claimed one tattooed starling.

Deputy PM Nick Clegg said the coalition government is already addressing the issue, ‘We hope to cut numbers by combating the flocking mentality that’s causing such a problem for this country. It’s shameful when the one at the front makes a decision and the rest of a group just mindlessly following behind for the ride’.

Government bans jogging due to ‘natural highs’ from endorphins

games — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 11:00:25 +0000

Just say no

The government yesterday unveiled proposals to classify jogging as a Class C drug following widespread concern about the ‘natural highs’ produced by strenuous exercise. ‘The harms associated with this addictive pastime include exhaustion, grazed knees and sprained ankles,’ Home Office Minister David Hanson told Parliament yesterday. ‘We need to go the extra mile and ban this dangerous hobby now.’

Although the Government has been reluctant to disclose scientific advice on the effects of jogging, anti-jogger groups insist the authorities need to get a grip.

‘People assume that because it’s legal, it’s safe,’ said campaigner Paul Crowhurst today from his armchair. ‘Everyone knows the risks from uneven paving stones and overhanging branches, but what about ‘jogger’s nipple’? How many more people need to suffer prolonged exposure to lycra and develop Vaseline dependence before this Government acts?’

By fun and games

Brown announces the ‘Happy New Year’ deadline has passed

games — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:00:57 +0000

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has brought days of speculation to an end by announcing that there is no longer any need to say Happy New Year to anyone, although the White Paper isn’t expected to get through Parliament until June.

‘During the first week of a new year it is very much standard practice to offer the greeting to good friends (or to “auld acquaintances” in Scotland),’ he told the House, ‘but as the second week gets into full swing, a social awkwardness kicks in and there is a lack of clarity. It is an etiquette tightrope and few know what to do for the best.’

Gordon Brown went on to say that although he understood people’s concerns about this sensitive subject, he really did have more important considerations to address, ‘like whether we call this year twenty ten or two thousand and ten. We are hoping to make a decision on that before the year is out.’

X-Factor twins to be conjoined in complex operation

games — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:00:43 +0000

Prevention is always better than cure

Doctors today bowed to public pressure and agreed to perform a groundbreaking operation to conjoin X-Factor twins John and Edward. Emotional footage of the procedure will be shown in a VT on Saturday’s show set to a poignant soundtrack of Spice Girls’ hit ‘2 become 1’.

‘The twins suffer from an incurable condition,’ explained Dr Copping, ‘so the best we can do is help their loved ones and make the remaining time they have together more bearable for everyone. If ever there’s an opportunity to turn two twats into just one, then as doctors it’s a chance we’ve got to take.’

X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole is said to be opposed to the operation on ethical grounds as the boys would become ineligible for the ‘groups’ category and instead fall to be mentored by her. But the show’s producers are sold on it. ‘If it’s a success, we’ll cleverly mix up their Christian names to give them a single new name. I think we’ll go with EdJohn.’

Pre-school children ‘woefully ignorant of trigonometry’

games — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 14:00:46 +0000

Pre-school teachers are in the firing line after research has shown that no less than a quarter of a million children are leaving nursery school each year with a substandard level of education. The report slams pre-school educators, claiming that most four year olds fail to learn the periodic table by heart, whilst many struggle with trigonometry. Poor literacy standards are highlighted by the failure of children to compose Shakespearean sonnets: examples showing untidy prose with muddled tenses and basic spelling mistakes.

A nursery in Milton Keynes is one of many institutions singled out for criticism. ‘Children were asked to read The Iliad,’ the report states, ‘but failed to show even the most basic understanding of Homeric Greek.’ However the report does end on a positive note, pointing out that most European toddlers have an even poorer grasp of English than British pre-schoolers, although the gap narrows in later years.

30-something man still living with parents ‘because of credit crunch’

games — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:00:21 +0000

37-year-old Scott Mackenzie said plans to move out of his parents’ home had been postponed again due to the ongoing financial crisis. ‘No time for taking risks,’ said the local council worker, who noted that a sacked colleague faced financial ruin because of ‘a relatively short-term’ custodial sentence, ‘any excuse for these ruthless management bastards’.
Despite his father’s offer of a deposit and help moving, Mackenzie said it would worry his mother who is ‘always going on about that Robert Peston’ while doing his ironing, or preparing his packed lunch. ‘If I moved in with a woman it’d be economical’ he mused, ‘but in these uncertain times I can’t even get a bird to come home with me for some reason’.