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Gaza ceasefire made possible by shared love of Quorn

the basis for a two-course solutionMiddle-east negotiators have told journalists how they hope to broker a ceasefire agreement by reminding both sides that they share a love of Quorn meat-free products.

‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’

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Posted: Jul 17th, 2014
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ianslat

Campaigners call for national register of MPs

'We need protecting from these people'Research suggests at least 646 MPs are operating in the UK, causing many to worry that political activity could be happening on their doorsteps.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2014
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England squad tipped for great rendition of God Save the Queen

might make tactical substitution at half time and hum The Great Escape insteadEngland manager and singing coach Roy Hodgson has told a press conference that his side ‘can’t wait’ to get out onto the pitch and ‘sing their little hearts out’ before their opening World Cup match on Saturday.

‘We’re very excited about this young group’ he said. ‘We’ve got some great talent coming through. We sang well in all of our qualifying matches, and there’s no-one in the tournament we fear will outsing us in a head-to-head national anthem, especially the ones with no words.’

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Posted: Jun 13th, 2014
More from Sport


ianslat

EU admits ‘90% of policies are solely to annoy Farage’

EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso has admitted to journalists that most of the decisions made by the EU are now designed with the sole purpose of winding up UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

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Posted: Jun 1st, 2014
More from Politics


ianslat

Mexican standoff at Weston-super-Mare roundabout reaches third day

only thing moving for three days was their eyes‘I think we’re going to be stuck here forever, and I’m running low on boiled sweets.’

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Posted: May 8th, 2014
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