The world of popular music was plunged into chaos today following the revelation that annoying Irish twins Jedward might have been switched at birth.

‘Medical records found at a Dublin hospital suggest that the one we thought was John is actually Edward, and the one we thought was Edward is really John. It blows your mind doesn’t it?’ asked fellow Irish musical annoyance Louis Walsh.

The brothers themselves were said to be speechless at the news, albeit briefly. ‘It’s amazing’ shouted John, or possibly Edward. ‘All these years I thought I was me, and it turns out I was him.’ His brother, John, or possible Edward, concurred ‘we don’t know who we are any more. We’re going to have to rename ourselves Edjohn.’

The hospital apologised wholeheartedly for the mix-up. A spokesman said: ‘Jedward were obviously supposed to be suffocated at birth rather than just mixed up.’

‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

Clifford is already in the process of lining up a series of shows for Qatada to appear on. ‘We’re in advanced negotiations with I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ he revealed. ‘Abs is looking forward to eating testicles in the jungle, as long as they’re halal, although we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t try to coerce his weak-minded fellow celebs into suicide bombing Ant and Dec when the rations get low. We’re also trying to get him on Celebrity Big Brother, which he reckons he can win by persuading his rivals that there’ll be 70 virgins waiting for them on the outside if they blow themselves up in the diary room.’

As well as TV appearances, Clifford is hoping to move the focus of Qatada’s press coverage away from stories about extremist Islamic preaching and his close ties to al-Qaeda. ‘I’m thinking maybe he could have an affair with Ryan Giggs or John Terry,’ said Clifford. ‘I’d also like him to find out his phone was hacked whilst he was on the inside (by the News of the World rather than MI5) so he can make a late appearance as a witness at the Leveson Enquiry. After that maybe a perfume range, a fitness DVD, a stint as a Britain’s Got Talent judge and then his own talk-show. The sky’s the limit, as long as you’re not in a hijacked plane of course.’

Clifford is also reported to be representing another jailed radical Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, who is apparently keen to appear on Celebrity Masterchef, Gok’s Fashion Fix and Hole in the Wall upon his release. Strictly Come Dancing has been ruled out, though, due to the danger that his hook could rip his partner’s shoulder-blades out during the American Smooth.

‘We’ve looked at all the evidence and concluded that Scotland is in a state of permament decline and won’t recover,’ confirmed Mr Cameron. ‘Many of the symptoms are untreatable: stinginess, a love of deep-fried foods, continually producing top-class football managers and a misguided belief that Irn Bru is for drinking. It’s only fair that we let Scotland slip away peacefully into national self-determination.’

Scotland’s representative Alex Salmond welcomed the announcement. ‘Morally, this is the right thing to do,’ he told reporters. ‘Scotland should be allowed to die at home with dignity – although between you and me I’ve got a feeling its chances of survival might be a bit better than Mr Cameron thinks.’

The move has been criticised by American senator Robert Menendez, however. ‘This is a real kick in the teeth for all American citizens who have been victims of Scotland over the years,’ he argued. ‘Hundreds of innocent Americans have been forced to eat haggis on holidays to Scotland, and let’s not forget all the so-called ‘pop’ acts they’ve wilfully inflicted on us – Lulu, the Bay City Rollers, Susan Boyle. And don’t even get me started on tartan. It’s a disgrace, and Britain should be ashamed that it’s even considering setting Scotland free.’

But Mr Cameron defended the decision. ‘The UK has a reputation for compassion and fair play around the world, and this will only serve to strengthen that reputation. I know there are some who think that Scotland isn’t really sick at all, but I say them, just look at how few of them vote Conservative – something’s got to be wrong up there.’

’2011 was a terrible year for them’ said Hansen. ‘They’ve lost the backbone of their team through assassinations and deaths – Bin Laden’s gone, Gadhafi’s hung up his boots and now their top goalscorer (according to him) Kim Jong Il’s dead as well. They need to bring in some quality despots if they’re going to carry on wreaking terror on the Western world.’

Hansen also questioned some of the succession decisions made by the Axis of Evil countries recently. ‘Kim Jong Un is no replacement for Kim Jong Il’ he complained. ‘He’s only 27, and he’s got very little experience of suppressing the human rights of an entire country and threatening his neighbours with a fledgling nuclear capability. You’ll never blow up anything with kids.’

The Scot also believes that the problems have been building for the last five years. ‘They never replaced Saddam Hussein when he died in 2006, and the writing’s been on the wall since then’ he said. ‘They didn’t have the strength in depth to cope with the tough schedule brought about by the Arab Spring, and now they’re paying the price. Now they’re left with an aging squad that’s badly in need of fresh blood, and new signings as well. There’s too much reliance on Ahmadinejad, and Assad’s form’s been woeful so far this season.’

Hansen wasn’t sure however who the Axis of Evil should be trying to sign. ‘There’s not a lot of talent out there to be honest. Most politicians and leaders are used to democratic formations these days, and they probably wouldn’t be able to cope with a dictatorial set up. The rumour mill is saying that Sarkozy could be seeking a new country in the Summer, and of course Berlusconi’s been transfer listed, but they’re both coming towards the end of their careers now and quite frankly wouldn’t last five minutes. Putin might be a safe pair of hands, but Nick Clegg might be a good option for them. He’s fallen out with his current gaffer, and he’s always handy to blame all your problems on if nothing else.’

Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini agreed with Hansen, and was quick to suggest Carlos Tevez as a possible signing. ‘His salary is on a par with the GDP of most third world countries, he’s very good at falling out with people and he seems to like having other people to all the running around for him whilst he just sits on the bench’ said Mancini. ‘He’d be a perfect despotic dictator.’

‘It’s damned inconsiderate’ ranted Hague. ‘We got him a lovely card off Moonpig.com with his name on the front and everything which cost £2.50. And have you any idea how much postage is to North Korea?! We’re almost in a recession here for goodness sake. Couldn’t he have popped his clogs before I took the cards to the post-office last Friday?’

Mr Hague did calm down enough to add that savings had been made from the Christmas card budget this year. ‘We didn’t have to send old Gadhafi one this year of course, so the millions we spent on air-strikes saved us a few quid there, and we’ve only sent Sarkozy a cheapy one from Poundland.’

He also said that this would be the last time the UK sent a card to President Ahmadinejad of Iran. ‘Every year we send him one with a lovely circular inside telling him how busy we’ve been sorting out the Middle East’s problems, but we never get one back. He claims he sends one every year but it gets blown up by bomb disposal at the airport, but we all know people who use that as an excuse don’t we’.

David Cameron has this morning thrown the whole of Europe into crisis by using the UK’s veto to prevent changes to the Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The proposals were not in the interests of the UK,’ explained the Prime Minister. ‘In my opinion they were not conducive to ensuring that the best song wins. I’m just as fed up with those Balkan states voting for each other as anybody. Why on earth Blue didn’t do better last time beggers belief.’

The consequences of the move could prove to be massive. BBC political editor Nick Robinson tweeted: ‘This could lead to a two-tier Eurovision, with the rest of Europe taking part in the glitz and glamour of the main contest, and Britain sending over a busker to play for spare change at the bus-stop outside.’

There are also fears it could herald the end of the coalition government. ‘Nick Clegg is furious about the move,’ said Vince Cable. ‘He loves Eurovision. He’s accepted higher university fees and public sector cuts, but if he doesn’t get to see the dregs of the UK music industry being ritually humiliated by a load of tin-pot European countries again next May, I really can’t see him being able to work with the Tories any more.’

‘We accept that in hindsight choosing 25th December was a mistake,’ said chief spokesman for Christianity, God. ‘Originally we thought that it would be a great time to have the festival – practically everyone’s off work for Christmas and the schools are closed. We thought it would give everyone plenty of time to go to church to celebrate the birth of Christ the Lord your Saviour, but in reality people are far too busy eating too much, getting pissed, trying to cop off at office parties and watching the My Family Christmas special. We really need a quieter time of year for our celebrations.’

God admitted that the problem started from no-one knowing exactly when Jesus was born. ‘We were too busy trying to work out what you do with myrrh to write the date down,’ He said. ‘We knew 25th December was already the date of Christmas and pagan Yule festival, but we were confident we could make it our own. All the pagans had was a bit of holly, mistletoe and those chocolate Yule logs, so there wasn’t much to overcome. We introduced a few carols and people were won over. What we hadn’t counted on was Christmas being so enduringly popular. Songs like Merry Xmas Everybody and I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday are so engrained in tradition we stood no chance against them. We did try to trick people with Cliff Richard songs for a few years, but most normal people weren’t fooled. Ultimately we just couldn’t compete.’

Leading supporter of Christmas, Santa Claus, a long time critic of the Christians’ efforts to weaken the mass commercialisation message of Christmas, welcomed the news. ‘It’s about time they moved their festival,’ he complained. ‘Some children don’t even realise that Christmas isn’t all about going to church and giving thanks to God. The present-receiving message is being watered down all the time. Plus if you’ve got to open presents and cook turkey on Christmas Day, how can you possibly find time to go to church? And the number of times I’ve almost been spotted by children who’ve been forced to stay up late to go to midnight mass – I’ll be glad not to have to worry about that any more.’

Christians have already started the search for an alternative date for their celebrations. ‘It’s not easy though,’ grumbled God. ‘We were thinking about some time in the Spring, but we’d have to avoid a clash with Easter. We wouldn’t want to interrupt people’s chocolate eating activities.’

‘The planet has similar life-supporting conditions to Earth,’ said one scientist. ‘However, like Earth it also has soaring levels of national debt, high unemployment and first-time buyers and small businesses who are struggling to obtain finance.’

The markets reacted badly to S&P’s announcment, with the Kepler 22-b FTSE losing 164 points in the first light year of trading today. ‘Unless they approve a programme of austerity measures quickly they may have to default on their debts and effectively become bankrupt,’ explained the BBC’s Robert Peston. ‘That could see them having to leave the Euro, or even the galaxy.’

However, politicians around the world remain hopeful that a planet may exist somewhere in the Milky Way that is capable of sustaining a thriving capitalist economy. ‘Surely there must be one out there somewhere that can lend us the billions of dollars we need to bail us all out,’ said US President Barack Obama, ‘and until we find it we’ll continue to pump billions of dollars into looking for it.’