Dave Andrews, who had recently moved into the area, was befriended by the man after experiencing bullying at the hands of a local gang. After an altercation the defendant, Mr Gyoza, intervened and offered Andrews a safe haven and the chance to learn karate.

Mr Gyoza then used unusual methods such as getting Andrews to clean floors, wash cars and fix fences, telling Andrews throughout that this was teaching him the basics that he needed to know.

Andrews first started to suspect something was amiss though when he entered the local karate championship and was soundly beaten in his first bout. ‘I had no idea what I was doing. They all laughed at me when I stood there with a duster in one hand and a pot of car wax in the other. It was a total humiliation.’

‘As soon as I heard the Star Trek music, I realised this was the moment I had been waiting for. ‘Safety first on the road’ is my motto, so I always have the earpiece attached. Colleagues have joked because I don’t use it, but who looks stupid now, eh?’

Sadly, in the excitement of answering the call, Mr Tanner knocked off his headset and as he fished for it beneath his seat, drove his car into a lamppost.

‘I didn’t even get a chance to tell the caller that yes, I am very happy with my home insurance deal. Still, I’m sure they’ll call back, and when they do I’ll be ready.’

‘I’ve played football on and off since I was at school,’ said Dave Hurley, a 36-year-old IT salesman who is three stone overweight and missed all of last season after twisting his ankle during a pre-season warm up. ‘I just assumed that one day someone would recognise my talent, but now Beckham has been sidelined, my dream is in tatters.’

As England’s middle-aged rejects struggle to come to terms with their disappointment, many are consoling themselves that their experience as an international  ‘nearly man’ makes them ideally qualified for a move into punditry.

Helping the police with their inquiries

Northumbria police’s temporary chief constable, Sue Sim, announced this morning that suspected gunman Raoul Moat had joined police officers in their continuing hunt for suspected gunman Raoul Moat.

‘What we need is someone who can get inside the mind of a fugitive killer, and having Raoul Moat on board will really give us an edge in that regard,’ said Ms Sim. ‘With the help of Mr Moat, we believe we are closer than ever to tracking down and arresting Mr Moat. It’s a game of patience, but the noose is definitely tightening.’

The newly-recruited Raoul Moat has been given express orders to shoot himself on sight, and has also been asked to remove his orange T-shirt to make him less visible to his quarry. He remains at large.

Head of the Solar Dynamics Observatory, Professor Gulam Persaud, said: ‘For the first time we have been able to look deep into the Sun and what we have discovered is a very large hamster. To be honest this was unexpected. We thought we would be looking at a colossal nuclear reaction, so science has been somewhat rocked by our discovery.’

‘We believe the hamster is around 100 times the size of the Earth,’ said Professor Persaud, ‘although we have no idea where it came from or who manufactured the giant wheel in which it runs. I am particularly concerned about the size of the sunflower seeds that it feeds on. If one of those escaped the gravitational pull of the Sun, it could completely obliterate the Earth.’

An emergency summit of world leaders has been called to discuss whether or not to make contact with the hamster. Many fear that if it were distracted the hamster might stop running thereby bringing the Solar System to a halt. ‘I owned several hamsters during my formative years,’ said Prime Minister Gordon Brown ‘so I feel very much at home with them. I have every confidence that my experience will help to save the world.’

The selection of toys will change regularly but all will be shaped perfectly to fit down the consumer’s throat in order to induce vomiting. ‘This is a brand new concept for McDonalds and we are extremely excited,’ said UK marketing executive Brett Degg, ‘there is a clear need for binge eaters and bulimics to be able to get all their fast feast food in one place. We even supply a receptacle with which to bring the food up again, demonstrating our commitment to customer satisfaction. With all this at a keen price point of £6.99 we feel that the model is right and will be a great success.’

The new meal has drawn criticism from some politicians. Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said, ‘I think it is a disgrace that in this day and age, we can offer these types of meals for public consumption. We need to think long and hard as to why there is a need for this, and the answer lies squarely with a failing Labour government that led us into a deep recession.’ John Prescott said, ‘I will certainly not be going to McDonalds again, although I must say if this offer had been available when I was comfort eating, it would have saved the taxpayer a fortune in my claims for food costs.’

Other fast food outlets are moving fast to compete with the ‘Unhappy Meal’. KFC are launching the ‘Barfing Bucket’ and the ‘Minger Meal’ while there will be a complete rebranding at ‘Pukin Donuts’. ‘But importantly it will still be possible to have a ‘happy meal’ admitted an anonymous McDonalds insider. ‘Just walk past us and go to your local caff.’

Alan Parks, a private tutor hired to help Yoda had been working with him since he was a newly qualified teacher aged 23. Now 63 and coming up to retirement, he was overjoyed with his pupil’s success. ‘I am just elated, my whole career has been about this moment, Master Yoda just couldn’t get his sentence formulation cracked, but we got there eventually.’

Parks has every right to be elated, he is the 15th tutor hired by the Jedi Council to work with Yoda. ‘To be honest, his habit of putting sentences the wrong way round was getting a bit embarrassing,’ said Mace Windu, a member of the Council, ‘Whilst representing us in public his small stature and funny little green face went down a storm, but his patterns of speech left a lot to be desired.’ Parks worked with Yoda to break the bad habits and to instil a sense of calm. ‘Often it was the heightened expectations around Yoda that caused him to malform his sentences,’ said Parks, ‘he was nervous and he hated it when people laughed at him. We just worked on his confidence more than anything else and slowly we started to unravel the problem.’

Yoda received his GCSE result last week but wanted to keep the achievement quiet in order to avoid a fuss. ‘I just want to carry on like normal,’ said Yoda today, ‘I really don’t want to draw any attention to this, I am like, ok, I’ve done this, I’ve passed, let’s move on. There are far more important things to be dealing with, such as the rebel alliance and that troublesome Darth Vader.’ It is thought that Yoda will not be taking his studies any further at the moment but may well look at A level English in a few years. ‘I would like to keep my hand in for sure, but for the moment, very pleased I am!’ he quipped.

The spider’s claims will be a shock to millions of people around the world, who were under the impression that Muffet was the innocent party in all this,’ commented James Bristow, a lecturer in literature at Oxford University. “This new information appears somewhat to tarnish the image of Muffet and puts her in a very different light. We know she was sat on a tuffet, a type of stool, and we know she ran away but everything else has been blown out of the water.’

PR specialist Max Clifford, who is representing Muffet commented, ‘My client will not be making a personal statement to the press at this time, as she is deeply upset by the claims we have all heard. What I will say is that she has admitted that her past is less than perfect, but she had turned over a new leaf in recent times and was innocently eating curds and whey when her previous ‘boss’ turned up looking for a payout. I understand that it is he who has the drug habit and he was trying to get money to feed that habit. My client has had no dealings with this individual for many months.’

The case has been re-opened by the Metropolitan Police. A spokesman said, ‘New information has come to light about an incident in which a girl was frightened by a spider, whilst consuming dairy products. At this stage we do not know whether we are talking about the infamous incy-wincy spider who we believe may be hiding in the spout. All our efforts have been focussed on trying to think of a way trying to flush him out.’