Christopher a.k.a. ‘Coils Malloy’ has been charged with wilful disarranging of garden hosepipes from Dover to Oban and even in the Shetland Isles. He has asked for 15000 other offences to be taken into consideration.

‘I cannot say how satisfied we are,’ DI Peter Marks of Merseyside Special Crime Unit told reporters.’ How many householders put the garden hosepipe away at the end of the summer, only to find in the spring it is a tangled mess with all sorts of kinks along its length? We expect that with Mr Malloy in custody, the public can handle long lengths of hose in complete safety.’

The press conference then came to an abrupt end after a microphone lead became tangled around DI Mark’s leg, causing him to trip off the stage.

‘Rotavator’ is set in 1854 in West Cornwall, a distant part of the known galaxy. It tells the story of alien beings, the Cornish, engaged in mining a precious metal, called tin, while a race of rapacious humanoids, the English, threaten the continued existence of the miners.

The film’s title refers to the motorised cultivating equipment used by the Cornish to interact with the soil and with the English, usually by burying them.

Like Avatar, the film uses a made-up language, Dreckly, and is touted as being a breakthrough in filmmaking technology making use of 10mm black-and-white film – with sound. ‘We anticipate that Rotavator will soon be available on betamax,’ a Cornwall film industry spokesman said from a milking shed near St Just.

Rotavator is expected to win major prizes at next month’s Isle of Wight Moving Picture Festival.

‘Nobody noticed,’ fumed the toy chain’s MD, Simon Collins, in a press conference. ‘All those huge illuminated signs, in shopping centres the length and breadth of the Western world. And nobody noticed that the ‘R’ in the centre was backwards. And we claim to be the foremost outlet for educational development toys!’

The error was spotted by Rupert Winston, a six-year-old pupil of the local Steiner school, who queried the signage to a store manager. Immediately shops around the world closed pending investigation, but Collins was downbeat over the firm’s prospects in the wake of the elementary spelling error.

‘We’re FCUKed,’ he said in conclusion to the press interview.

Joe Harding with thanks to Reisler

‘The first giveaway was the location of the remains,’ said Dr Kevin Dent, speaking from the site in Braintree where the bones were uncovered during excavations to build a local branch of PC World.

‘The majority of the tribe were in a social group twenty metres to my right. The skeleton in question was on its own in a small room, and uncovered in a hunched posture performing some ritual mathematical process with a collection of pebbles.’

Speculation is rife in the academic world as to exactly how nerds reproduce. It is hoped that ‘Milton’ as he has been fondly called will provide answers. ‘I also have plans to finish the model he was constructing when he died,’ said Dr Kevin.

The commission have warned would-be servants of ‘he who cannot be named’ to check with their GP before embarking on a lifestyle choice that involves consuming nothing but other people’s unhappiness and depression. The human body needs a balanced diet; proteins, carbohydrates, as well as over-symbolic human emotions.

A spokesman for ‘Lord V.’ thanked the commission for their advice, hinting that from the New Year his followers would be calling themselves ‘Death and fresh salad with fruit juice and moderate carbohydrate eaters’.

The Diet and Health Advisory Commission is now said to be scrutinising the diet of the vampires from Twilight, urging them to extend their diet of human blood to include five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

‘We thought he must be some sort of professional comic filming a TV show, to come up with something like that’ said one witness. ‘We felt like we were there at the birth of something really new.’ Soon other tennis players had abandoned their games and were miming ‘Whole Lotta Love and ‘Wonderwall’ as crowds gathered to laugh at the new craze. When word reached the All England Tennis Club, Britain’s top seeds were keen to try the guitar mime out for themselves.

Unfortunately the discovery of this uncanny racquet/guitar similarity has made it impossible for the professionals to concentrate on their game. Andy Murray, Britain’s number one hopeful lost in straight sets to a rank outsider yesterday as his concentration on the game was wrecked by the urgent need to mime to ‘Smoke on the Water.’

In a separate development, comic Graham Norton was playing tennis yesterday and observed that it is normal practice to put spare tennis balls in your pocket when serving. He has announced that he and his writers are taking a few weeks off to try and work out if there is any sort of innuendo that might developed around this theme.

26 Oct 2008