Writing via a Home Office dispatch, May declared that ‘any parent worth their salt’ has a full working knowledge of Donaldson’s books, and that it was ‘desirable that anyone wishing to work with children and young adults must also be familiar with the stories.’ ‘From now on,’ she continued, ‘prospective employees must not only have a clean criminal record, but also be able to minutely describe the physical attributes of a Gruffalo – wart and all.’

Controversially, the new knowledge test is to be applied retrospectively, with existing workers who have already had a CRB check being re-examined. ‘I have been working with troubled teenagers for over twenty years,’ explained inner-city youth worker David Morris, ‘but I have now been informed that I’ll have to abandon the kids in my charge to a life of crime unless I can repeat unaided the first stanza of ‘Room on the Broom’. The community centre’s going to pot while I bone up on some bloody witch and her overcrowded transport – I’m all for car sharing but what kind of example is that to set?’

Probation officer Sheila Bringford is also facing difficulties: ‘out of the blue the young offenders centre I’m attached to wanted me to write an appreciation on the art of Axel Scheffler; and is now demanding to know not only the circumstances in which I got six points on my driving license, but what animals feature in ‘A Squash and a Squeeze. How the hell should I know? I’m tearing my hair out, I’m down on my knees – the nearest I’ve ever got to reading a children’s book is the Da Vinci Code!’

However for some prospective employees, the new system has been a positive boon; ‘I’ve got quite a chequered past and it was looking unlikely that I’d get the post of private tutor to the royal great-grandchildren – that was at least until I was able to correctly summarize the plot of ‘The Smartest Giant in Town.’ Now I don’t have kids, so what a stroke of luck that I stumbled across this information while searching for something on the internet. ‘It’s amazing what comes up when you Google‘detonating Semtex’.’

Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has blasted the scheme, accusing May of being ‘delusional’: ‘silly old Theresa, doesn’t she know? There’s no such thing as a Gruffalo.’

‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ explained Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘We painstakingly searched for the colour that was the least offensive to the populace. Bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; staining people brown could be seen as positive discrimination and green might be offensive to Martians in the event of first contact. After sensitive deliberations we settled on purple. Our public information campaign launches next week and will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’

During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date where they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really. And in addition to bringing racial equality, being purple makes it easier to conceal your anger and provides natural camouflage against a background of aubergines.’

Critics have, however, blasted the scheme. ‘Purple dye is far too expensive,’ said one activist. ‘Orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use. We’d save loads of money by not needing to dye David Dickinson, Katie Price and or anyone from Essex.’

‘People have been cleansing themselves with coffee enemas for centuries,’ explained spokesperson Tana Morrison. ‘And at Costa we’re all about coffee, so for us this is a natural progression. As of Friday, patrons will be able to flush out their systems with a refreshing Cappuccino, douse their digestive tract with a milky Latte or pump themselves full of a sultry Mocha.’

However the scheme has already drawn criticism from some quarters, with customers alleging that the enema options were not properly explained. ‘All I did was pop in for my usual morning pick-me-up,’ complained office worker Nigel Storridge. ‘Next thing you know they’re shoving a Macchiato up me jacksie! Thank god that shot of hazelnut syrup helped lube things up else I’d be sitting in a puddle of foam right now. Oh, and Costa, a word to the wise: complementary Biscotti – bad idea…’

In a recent press release, Eastenders producer Sheila Micklethwaite outlined how chirpy stall holder Winston, played by David Okawande, would controversially spend most of the five-hour Christmas special happily watching his young children unwrap their presents, partaking in a traditional Christmas dinner and then slowly dozing off in front of Doctor Who. ‘Eastenders has always been about facing difficult issues head on,’ said Micklethwaite. ‘Viewers can rest assured that we won’t be pulling any punches – unlike Winston, who doesn’t punch anybody.’

Eastenders last hit the headlines earlier this year, when sassy Queen Vic barmaid Sam joined friends at a New Year’s Eve party which passed without incident. When the character shockingly failed to get stalked, sexually assaulted or murdered, shamefaced scriptwriters were forced to introduce a baby swapping story in order to redress the balance of relentless despair.

Speaking in an interview in the Radio Times, Okawande described the plotline as ’one of the most challenging pieces of acting’ he has ever been asked to achieve. ‘It was truly harrowing and very hard work – especially the scene where I help Winston’s wife with the washing up – the theme of goodwill to all men really goes beyond what Eastenders is all about. ‘

‘Viewers can expect to have their preconceptions shattered in a myriad of ways,’ he warned. ‘For instance, for most of the time I’m actually smiling – in stark and brutal contrast to the dour joyless expressions of the rest of the cast. At one stage I’m even called upon to laugh and wish everyone a merry Christmas! If that’s not pushing the envelope of contemporary serialised television drama I don’t know what is.’

BBC executives have however promised that lovers of festive depression will not go uncatered for. Strictly Come Murdering premiers on Christmas Day on BBC 1, after the Queen’s Speech.

Medical researchers at the prestigious Edinburgh University have made a breakthrough in the fight against overly attractive people after discovering that simultaneously applying popular deodorants Lynx and Impulse renders the wearer completely unattractive to both sexes – thus creating what scientists term a sexual null point.

According to lead researcher Professor Soren Lorensen, his team were surprised at how this simple solution worked. ‘The Lynx effect is an long-established phenomenon that drives women mad with desire, whilst it is well know that men can’t help acting on Impulse. Bringing such two efficacious compounds together should have created a formidable aphrodisiac, but in fact it’s exactly the opposite – the two deodorants actually cancel each other out, forming a pheromonal vacuum.’

Sorensen recently revealed his motivation in the quest for unattractiveness: ‘being a tall, blonde Scandinavian who works out regularly is a major hindrance when it comes to the serious world of medical science – have you ever tried searching for a cure for cancer when all your assistants keep swooning at you? This new discovery is the holy grail for attractive scientists such as myself – I can now get on with my important work without having to fend off awkward misunderstandings from Barry in genetics.’

‘I can confirm that the laundry is definitely British made,’ he told journalists at a specially held press conference. ‘It consists of mainly T-shirts and tracksuit trousers, with socks and the occasional pair of Union Jack underpants. Oh, and some orange overalls labelled ‘stubborn stains – wash and waterboard’ – no doubt some kind of laundry terminology that we are completely unaware of.’

The dirty laundry was discovered after rebel freedom fighters breached the defences of the infamous Bab al-Aziziya compound and defeated a last stand by pro-Gaddafi forces at the Saif al-Islam Laundromat near the centre of the complex. Among the items liberated were several sacks clothing stamped ‘property of MI6’, which found their way into the hands of human rights campaigners – the only organisation capable of sustaining decent whites during those chaotic few days.

According to pressure group Human Rights Watch, Britain was one of several countries that sub-contracted its international washing to Libya post 9/11. ‘We have discovered evidence that links the Gaddafi regime with the dirty laundry of several western countries,’ said a spokesman. ‘From a consignment of grubby Italian Speedos to a warehouse full of oversize American jumpsuits, for years Gaddafi’s men have been dealing with those tricky messes that just won’t go away, despite, or perhaps because of, the so-called ‘wishy-washy’ human rights legislation enjoyed by the civilised world.’

David Cameron has promised a full inquiry about how the washing was found in Tripoli, while guaranteeing full transparency. ‘The fact that the last Labour government allowed this monstrous dictator to run his hands through our unmentionables is inexcusable. I hereby pledge that Britain’s dirty laundry will get a full public airing; except some of the more delicate material, which will probably have to be renditioned – I mean, conditioned – in a specially-designed laundrette facility just outside Damascus.’

Detective Chief Inspector Theresa Breen confirmed that an ongoing investigation into the findwas underway. ‘A member of the community has felt confident enough to use Sky News to come to us with information that there were weapons somewhere within this area. Anyone who had any doubts about our robust response to these criminal gangs should by now be under no illusions that they are just a bunch of Neanderthals.’

Writing for the Sky News website today, Parmenter praised the actions of the police: ‘this is yet another prime example of the close, not-at-all-forced and most importantly, legal and above-board co-operation between the employees of News Corps and the Metropolitan Police which, regardless of any alleged trumped-up sensationalism, must be applauded.’

‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’

Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’

Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’

The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’

jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)