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SNP to renounce nationalism in favour of ‘pissing off Cameron’

Political equivalent of 'Glasgow kiss'SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon is set to announce that her party is to formally abandon its goal of an independent Scotland and concentrate instead on ‘really pissing off Cameron and his Tory mates.’

‘Deep down we always knew that independence thing wasn’t gonna fly, especially with Salmond as pilot,’ said Sturgeon at a specially convened meeting of senior party members. ‘But watching the Tories scuttling over the border as if they’re arses were on fire to plead their case was priceless. It gave us a new sense of purpose – making the lives of those posh Southern jessies as miserable as possible.’

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Posted: Jul 15th, 2015
More from Politics


‘Queens of Hazzard’ rebooted as General Lee gets a rainbow flag

The General Lee, iconic 1969 Dodge Charger stock car from The Dukes of Hazzard, is set to star in a radical new reboot of the popular 1980s TV show, with its trademark Confederate battle emblem replaced by a rainbow flag. The Queens of Hazzard is still set in Hazzard County, Georgia and will feature a pair of loveable rogues who get into all sorts of scrapes as their conventional Southern neighbours come to terms with their same-sex relationship.

‘When I heard that Bubba Watson was painting over the flag of the General Lee, it all just clicked into place,’ said HBO commissioner Martin Shuffleberg. ‘We at HBO have always wanted to make something like this – a show that reflects the acceptance and tolerance that has been at the core of this great country since, oh, at least June.’

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Posted: Jul 10th, 2015
More from World News


Britain’s first multiplex church opens in Uxbridge

The Church of England has hit back in the fight against dwindling congregations with the grand opening of Britain’s first ever six-pulpit multiplex church. Situated in Uxbridge’s prestigious new Mullard Mills shopping complex, St. Peter’s, Paul’s & Mary’s Church officially opened its doors to worshippers this morning.

‘The opening of this hallowed edifice brings the Church kicking and screaming into the 21st century,’ said the vicar, Reverend Simon Charminster. ‘Why drag yourself out of bed on a Sunday morning to sit in a draughty old church when you can come here at any time of day to catch a wide range of masses, services and evensongs in super hi-def surround-sound?’

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2015
More from Faith


No point arguing with you in this mood, FA tells England Lionesses

The Football Association has defended itself over the furore about its allegedly sexist tweet on the return of the England Lionesses team from the Womens’ World Cup. It has accused critics of ‘completely overreacting, as usual’ and declaring that ‘it’s no use arguing with you when you’re in this kind of mood’.

The tweet, which welcomed the Lionesses back as ‘mothers, partners and daughters’, has caused outrage among fans of the team, which enjoyed the most success of any England team in a World Cup since 1966. The FA has responded by deleting the offending message, replacing it with ‘Fine, have it your way… #cantbloodywincanI’ but strongly denied that it is an inherently sexist organisation.

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Posted: Jul 7th, 2015
More from Sport


Royal household to enjoy ‘Wear What You Like’ day

it could all get a bit kinkyIn joint celebration of this year’s summer holidays and the impending milestone of becoming Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Her Majesty the Queen is to instigate a ‘Wear What You Like’ day for the Royal Household, palace officials have revealed.

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Posted: Jul 3rd, 2015
More from Celebrity