‘We refuse to marginalise women in all roles that comply with sharia,’ said the King, who hadn’t previously been aware of the parking restrictions in the Shura Council car park, that his ticket was due to expire any minute and just how close he was to the car behind. ‘We want all women to know that their contribution is valued – especially if they nudge us the nanosecond the light turns green, or by alerting us to otherwise invisible cyclists.’

The raft of reforming measures, which also included the rights to safeguard the house keys, load the dishwasher by personal preference and opine on sporting fixtures regardless of knowledge or experience, has been cautiously welcomed by the feminist community.

‘It’s high time that an archaic Saudi Arabia caught up with the rest of the world and realised that women have every right to fiddle with the air conditioning, question the chosen route and listen to the radio station of their choice,’ said Adriana McCoy, chairperson of international woman’s group Women Against Passenger Suppression. ‘We’re a long way from our Saudi sisters getting the freedoms and respect they deserve, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Although it would have been if women had been allowed to organise it.’

But not everyone was as enthusiastic about the radical changes, with a poll stating that 97% of respondents agreed that their wives should not hold political office. ‘Women were not created equal, and we should embrace the traditional roles that Allah has blessed us with,’ said one anonymous woman who didn’t wish to be emancipated. ‘But that said, even He must have seen that if my Saleh was doing 30 in that built-up zone near the market last Tuesday, then I’m a Latvian pole-dancer.’

As the sun glistened on her lightly oiled sun-kissed skin, Courtney considered whether this abnormally warm Easter may be linked to environmental factors such as glacial recession and if we as a species should take greater heed of the significant paleoclimatological concerns about projected rises in the Earth’s near surface air temperature throughout the 21st Century. ‘Nah. It’s just really hot,’ opined Courtney, delicately rearranging the rear of her swimsuit as she apologised for her ‘hungry bum’.

A professor of meteorology who happened to be sunbathing nearby offered his services for interview, but was told that the reporter had everything he needed and was further advised to immediately seek the dictionary definition of ‘back, sack ‘n’ crack’.

When pressed further on her plans for the remainder of the Spring break, Ms Jones detailed her plans for ensuring an even and strapless tan, determined to escape the perils of ‘tits like a pair of headlights’. ‘But then it’s the Royal wedding next weekend and me and the girls are going up to London and we’ll like camp the night outside the church so we can see Kate’s dress,’ revealed Courtney, denying strenuous suggestions from Jade that ‘you just want to give Prince William one, oh God, you so do, don’t you dare deny it you lying cow’.

‘I bet her dress will be like, so gorgeous, like Karen Millen or something. Of course, there will be the question lingering throughout the day of whether an outdated and oligarchic institution like the constitutional monarchy truly has a valid contribution to make to 21st Century Britain, but I think it’s important to celebrate the nuptials of a young couple in love,’ added Courtney. ‘But seriously though. I hope it’s like, well hot.’

‘So like, I was young, I was naïve, this resplendent archangel comes down from on high and starts giving it all the chat about finding favour with God and inheriting the throne of David,’ said the anonymous victim. ‘We’ve all been there. Can’t believe I fell for it – ‘full of grace’? Certainly full of something…’

‘These women represent the unseen consequences of husbands spending season after season supporting one of the principal premier league football teams, or Liverpool,’ said a campaigner today. ‘It is only right that football widows receive their husbands’ full salaries, state-subsidised Haagen-Dazs and Sex & the City reruns on Channel 4 while their husbands are engaged in active service on the three-piece.’

The issue has been highlighted by the plight of Mrs Maureen Bagnall who has already lost her husband and two of her sons to West Ham’s latest campaign. ‘No mother should have to see her son carried home on a Saturday evening draped in a Hammers shirt,’ she said. ‘I demand an immediate withdrawal of our boys from the Dog and Duck in Dagenham.’

‘For many years now, our friendship has been the subject of untrue and malicious gossip,’ said the small wooden boy, who strenuously denies allowing Big Ears to play with his bell in return for favours. ‘I realise in hindsight that us sharing a bed may have given rise to this speculation. And my comments about us having a ‘gay old time in the woods’ have been taken entirely out of context.’

Despite his innocence, Noddy has unceremoniously sacked Big Ears as his best friend and banished him to the spare room, a move that has not come a moment too soon for irritated neighbours.

One resident, a Mrs T Bear, said, ‘Hopefully we will finally be able to get a bit of peace and quiet round here. Every blooming night, my husband and I would be kept awake by the rhythmical sound of a bell jangling, accompanied by a moaning noise which would last for several minutes. Then the sweet scent of cigarette smoke would come wafting through our bedroom window. Heaven knows what they were doing in there.’

When confronted with this evidence, a blushing Noddy retorted, ‘It is well documented that I am a keen judo enthusiast. It has become our custom of a night to grapple on the bedroom rug and yes, I do prefer to fight with my lucky hat on. In the hurly-burly of a bout, it is only natural that a judoka will occasionally grunt and groan under the intense probing of his opponent until, finally, the victor will emit a roar of triumph. If he then chooses to enjoy his victory with a glass of single malt and a fag, that is his business.’

The latest speculation is not the first time Noddy has been at the centre of controversy. One Toytown resident was unsurprised at the new allegations; ‘I always thought that’s why he had big ears; it gave Noddy something to hold on to.’

Mary Evans and ChrisHarrison

‘I suppose none of us were really surprised when he announced that half the guest list had been cut,’ said Alison Mason, whose daughter Lily was allowed to remain at the party on the condition she increased her My Little Pony present by 2.5 per cent. ‘But we all felt it was a bit rich when he defended it by saying that he was only combating the previous party’s legacy of excess. Maisy Thompson only had a face-painter for Christ’s sake.’

While the party tea was an austere affair, with the biggest cuts found in chocolate fingers and iced fondants, there was an unexpected boon for anyone eating carrot sticks, whose entitlement was increased 15 per cent and doubled for those from lone-parent families. But Mrs Alexander flirted with controversy amongst her fellow mothers when she announced that all party food would be frozen for the next three years.

As the Alexanders claimed their party was ‘fair and progressive’, other parents at the party were unimpressed. ‘The bouncy castle seemed like a nice touch,’ said Dave Thompson, whose son Ryan was told that as a second child, he no longer qualified for a party bag. ‘But when my kids were evicted from the castle on the basis that they hadn’t actively sought work in the previous 12 months, I was livid. No parent wants to see their child bouncing around on an inflatable one-bed council flat.’

Top seeds have been equally enthusiastic about the changes, hoping that the crowd participation will spur them on the sporting greatness. ‘I feel that while I have a solid groundstroke, superb first serve and ability to switch seamlessly from defensive to offensive play, what my game has really been missing is a heartfelt rendition of ‘You Must Have Come in A Taxi’ on a toy trumpet at matchpoint,’ says British hopeful Andy Murray, who is said to be highly amused by plans afoot from foreign supporters to tease him with chants of ‘Devolution’ sung to the tune ‘Bread of Heaven’.

But not all have embraced the changes, fearing that the new measures could bring the tournament into disrepute. ‘It’s an outrage, people are starting to behave like animals,’ said Maude Roxby-Smythe, a regular centre court spectator. ‘Already at Queens, rowdy behaviour was beginning to creep in. I thought taunting Nadal’s opposition with ‘Seven Grand Slams and the Davis Cup’ was uncouth enough. But there’s no respect for the officials. I just hope that no Wimbledon umpire has to suffer the indignity of being questioned as to ‘Who Ate All the Chicken Parfait’.

‘But not realising that his mic was still live, once he was in the assumed privacy of his car, he started waxing lyrical about the need for intelligent debate on immigration, what a great shame it was that a whole faith was tarred by the actions of an extreme minority and how fetching he thought Mrs Griffin would look in a burka.’

Griffin’s tolerant outbursts have long been an open secret within the BNP, with many disgruntled former members telling of his legendary ‘rainbow suppers’, extensive Cosby Show DVD collection and strict observance of the Jewish Sabbath. His extensive legal wrangle to prevent the publication of a climate change leaflet he wrote as a student member of Greenpeace has become the stuff of legal folkore, with Griffin insisting his adult life should remain untainted by the follies of youth when ‘everyone was experimenting’.

But yesterday’s gaffe has only strengthened feeling within his party that Griffin’s days are numbered. ‘It’s time Nick stepped aside and let someone more credible run the show. Like Jim Davidson,’ said an anonymous source, who didn’t wished to be unhooded. ‘At the end of the day, he’s never going to get elected. I mean, who in their right mind would vote for a leader whose eyes don’t even point in the same direction?’