The shadow foreign secretary called on the Government to direct armed forces to the east London district following the death of Bradley Branning on Friday evening.

‘The focus on our military initiatives in Afghanistan is distracting attention from the fact that life expectancy in Albert Square is three times lower than in Helmand Province,’ said Mr Hague.

Mr Branning’s family are said to be ‘in shock’ over his death and are slowly coming to terms with the ensuing revelations that several of their sisters are actually their mothers, many were swapped at birth and most of them are, in fact, gay.

The Otis Elevator Company have announced the introduction of radical new technology in their latest range of lifts which actually increases the response time of the lift the more you press the call button. Following extensive consumer research, the company identified a niche in the market as elevators across the world were reported to be completely ignoring repetitive hole pressing.

The new technology, called Pronto, uses a patented ‘impatience accelerator engine’ to increase the speed of the lift depending on how hard and how often the call button is pushed. It also has a built in voice recognition facility which responds to the phrases ‘Come on, come on!’ and ‘For God’s sake!’

The new smart lifts can also recognize the fingerprint of people who are not welcome at the building, and will repeatedly offer them lifts going in the opposite direction to the one requested, or will sometimes just close the lift doors and then open them again on the same floor.

‘We want to take lift technology to the next level’ said the inventor of the Pronto software. ‘We are bored with just installing security cameras and then watching footage of people squeezing their blackheads in the lift mirrors.’

The technology is also being adapted for Pedestrian Light-Controlled Crossings, where a camera will monitor approaching cars, and will only turn the lights red if the pedestrians have already crossed during a gap in the traffic.

See also Elevator fantasy celebrates fifteenth anniversary of remaining unfulfilled

mattdaniels (with thanks to Des Custard)

After continuing falls in the league position of Tottenham Hotspur, the government has announced that it is stepping in to prop up the ailing North London club with an emergency injection of fifty league points.

The club’s stock has fallen sharply since August with a negative goal difference increasing week on week. A number of competitors such as Hull City took points away from them, causing commentators to speculate that the club was wildly over-valued before the current crisis. BBC’s John Motson described the move as ‘perhaps the most extraordinary day in British football’ and an ‘absolute humiliation for Spurs, as if any more were possible.’

The injection of fifty points takes Tottenham Hotspur from the very bottom of the Premier League to the very top, where they are now 32 points clear of Chelsea on 52 points with only 7 games played. They are now well poised to become this year’s premiership winners gaining automatic qualification for the Champions League. Other clubs have complained against what they claim is unfair treatment for one particular club and say the junior minister of sport who announced the injection of points is a well known Spurs supporter who has acted without any authority of consultation with government colleagues. The Junior Minister would not discuss this accusation at a press conference saying only ‘Shut it Gooner! We would have nationalized the North Bank if they hadn’t already flogged it off!’

See also Thousands of points knocked off football league tables

mattdaniels

The government has been criticised for cutting the number of staff working for the British Jobs Survey, and relying instead on information gathered from the elderly parents of those in work.

The latest figures based on this method of collecting employment data has seen a dramatic rise in the number of people who ‘do something in computers’ with the encouraging news that 100% of them ‘are doing very well.’ Other jobs that were revealed to be on the increase were ‘working in London’, ‘something to do with money’ and ‘in a very smart office’. According to the survey of parents, not a single individual was reported to be working as a ‘senior financial advisor to systems analyst set ups’ although this may have been covered by the wider demographic described as ‘working for a big firm who are one of the top ones.’

‘It is ridiculous to attempt to rely on this sort of vague and illinformed data,’ said Professor Sally-Anne Donohue, Senior Statistician at the British Jobs Survey. However her authority to comment on such matters was brought into question by her official entry in the Elderly Parents’ survey. According to the latest information ‘Sally-Anne’s still working at the moment, yes, which is a shame. I think she’s a secretary or something. But these days it’s actually quite common for a girl to work for a little while before you start a family. I expect she’ll meet a nice man soon and be able to stay at home. Our Bryan’s doing very well though. He’s something to do with computers…’

‘Today is a big day. This cardigan marks a new era in smart-casual for us’, Gates told the enthralled delegates. ‘The double pockets can hold more parallel Biro’s than previous cardigans, and the combination of a zip and buttons makes this the most secure cardy I have ever worn. The sleeves can be pushed up in warmer weather and further security add-ons such as leather elbow patches can be purchased separately.’

Cardigan 2007 is predicted to have 100m wearers worldwide within the next 12 months, but there are some concerns that the skinny, slightly geek-like fit will not be suitable for every body shape. Gates has pledged to continue to support the open-neck-ironed-shirt-no-tie look for another five years but his company is pushing hard to get everyone into cardigans as soon as possible.

However Microsoft may soon find their share of the market under challenge. Rumours from Apple suggest that Steve Jobs is now planning to bring forward the launch of his much anticipated ‘Polo-neck Pro’.