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Experts agree boy’s failure to ask teenage girl out probably is the end of the world

no point even texting anymoreScientists and religious leaders were united last night in agreeing that it was almost certain that a global apocalypse was imminent following the failure of Jimmy Welch to ask 13-year-old Emma Thorpe to the school disco.

‘We were alerted to the disturbing news after Emma’s mother overheard her daughter in her bedroom crying that this was it, that it was all over and that she was just going to die,’ explained Robert James, an environmental science professor at University College London, ‘and considering the data available – and that Jimmy is now going to the disco with that skank Sarah Miller – we think she may have a point.’

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Posted: Nov 28th, 2009
More from World News



nealdoran

Family politics takes chilling turn as mothers start making martyrdom videos

ageing mothers left with no alternativeMothers’ Union fundamentalists explaining for posterity the sacrifices they’ve made for their children.

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Posted: Nov 18th, 2009
More from Lifestyle



nealdoran

Chore inflation index shows emptying dishwasher now just as much of a pain as washing dishes

Self-emptying dishwasher still a way offNew data on irritation at day-to-day household tasks has shown that the benefits of modern living are being eaten away by chore inflation.

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Posted: Nov 16th, 2009
More from News In Brief



nealdoran

Method acting porn star spends six months fixing photocopiers

now ready to polish the glass, give the rollers a good seeing to then spill toner all over the placePorn star Randy Buck, was reported to have his eye on the gong for best male actor at the upcoming Adult Film industry awards following his decision to spend six months researching his next movie by providing 24/7 repair services for most leading brands of office photocopying equipment.

The dedication to ensuring that his lead role in ‘The Sex-retary needs a boner refill’ was an accurate portrayal of a hard-working professional attending to his client’s every need saw Buck take a six-figure salary cut as he lived and breathed the life of a photocopier engineer. ‘To be frank, it was a difficult job for a man like me,’ he confessed, ‘particularly getting used to the company-issue Farah’s, which caused no small degree of chafing.’

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Posted: Nov 16th, 2009
More from Arts/Entertainment



nealdoran

Teachers split on whether child’s poor Halloween fancy dress due to poverty or just laziness

everyone ran away in fear, then thought 'hang on a minute...'Staff at St Mary’s infant school in Stoke Newington were left divided at the school’s Halloween party as to whether the pathetic attempt at Halloween fancy dress from 6-year-old Jamie Whittam was due to his parents obviously not caring enough about him and his status in the school, or whether they are actually just poor.

‘When Jamie arrived at school, I assumed the large cardboard box that had once contained a washing machine was being used to carry an elaborate costume’, explained Winnie Forbes, Jamie’s teacher, ‘but he then pointed to the large spooky face drawn in biro on the machine door and told me the box WAS the costume and he’d come as a haunted washer-dryer’.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2009
More from Education