‘I know a lot of people think that my former husband has been at the wheel of the Department of Energy and Climate Change,’ said Ms Pryce today, ‘but despite what the evidence might suggest, in fact I was in the driving seat all along. It is therefore only right that as I prepare to clear my name of charges of perverting the course of justice, I stand aside and allow another Liberal Democrat to be brought into the Cabinet. Perhaps Chris Huhne, for example.’

Although commentators are now suggesting that this could be the end of Ms Pryce’s career in frontline politics, she remains upbeat. ‘If they do give my Cabinet job to Chris Huhne, no one will notice if I turn up and do it instead. Have you seen photographs of us? You can’t tell us apart.’

In a tersely worded letter posted on the railings at Buckingham Palace, the bank informed Her Majesty that due to a complete breakdown of trust in their mutual business relationship, the bank had no option but to withdraw facilities and that she could ‘stick her Knighthood right up her big fat Royal corgi’.

After a bad week for RBS which saw incumbent chief executive Stephen Hester deprived of his bonus this is seen as a clear show of strength that the Masters of the Universe will not tolerate negative actions against ‘one of their own’.

However, an even more pink-faced than usual David Cameron refused to comment or intervene on the bank’s actions despite being the majority shareholder, saying ‘it’s not good for anyone, but frankly, this is a matter for the board of RBS, and absolutely nothing to do with me’.

Labour Leader Ed Miliband, delighted that yet another fat cat had been brought to heel, was seen drooling happily at the news and pulling funny faces in the background, although he is expected to regain his composure, put on a serious face and change his mind in a couple of week’s time.

With many utility bills becoming due for the upkeep of the Queen’s main residence at Buckinghambalmoralwindsorsandringham Palace, a planned day out boating on the Thames in June, dwindling supplies of Dubonnet and cash rapidly running out, the Prime Minister has hinted that Mervyn King at the Bank of England may be able to issue a line of credit to tide Her Majesty over until the crisis is over, at a very reasonable rate of interest.

But for now the situation remains unresolved. The Royal Bank of Scotland has already announced its intention to seek independence from the British establishment and is setting a timetable for a shareholder vote and looking for a suitable new name, a process hindered by the news that plain old ‘Bank of Scotland’ is already taken by someone else, who also happens to have been bailed out by people who pay their tax bills.

But should RBS ever manage to break away from England to once again become a wholly Scottish concern there are renewed hopes that plain old Mr Fred Goodwin, as he is now, may be asked to return and lead a glorious nation’s banking industry to Nirvana one more time, after Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was apparently overheard describing him in muffled tones as ‘the biggest banker on the planet’. Or something like that.

The pen uses motion sensors and sophisticated algorithms to capture the user’s movements when writing, translates them into readable digital data and posts them back to Google’s servers via the nearest available Wi-Fi port. It’s viability has only become possible after Google realised it had accidentally and inadvertantly recorded every available wireless connection in the world as the Street View cars went around taking pictures of your house.

The pens will be sent out in their millions to every known postcode and will be branded with the Google logo which, through clever electronic trickery, will change every few days into a new Google doodle to keep scribblers and doodlers interested in using them.

‘The analogue field is not something which we’ve been able to reach but now that we are able to access handwritten thoughts we can truly tailor your real-world experience to provide suitable advertisments which reflect your needs as a consumer. We’ve hooked up with all the major retailers so, say you’re writing a shopping list on a piece of paper, the Google pen will record your requests and a new system of billboards and mind control in the analogue physical environment of your supermarket will point you in the direction of the best purchase of the day, which we think is terrific for all sorts of reasons,’ grinned Google chief executives Sergei Brin and Larry Page.

On the Google plus side, the pen is claimed to provide a faster scribbling experience than any other mode of paper-based, dextrous, anologue notation. ‘It’s the best, fastest, smoothest pen on the market,’ the company claims, and also, they say, seemlessly ties your thoughts in with your social network which makes putting everything you do on line sooo much easier. But, Google admits, the pen will need to update itself in the background from time to time and handwriting may be slower during those periods as a result.

The pen will be introduced in time for users to sign up for the new Google privacy policy on March 1st. ‘We’ve learnt a lot from phone hacking and now will only allow you to use Google systems if we have your complete consent to read your emails, identify your physical location and monitor connections with people who are dearest to you, and use that information for whatever purpose we want,’ said Mr Page.

‘It’s a matter of choice, but it’s a pretty simple choice. If you don’t agree to it, we won’t let you use the internet,’ said Mr Brin. ‘Which we think is totally fair and in line with our corporate poilicy of ‘Don’t be Evil!’, and if you’re still unhappy you could always try and block google.com through the settings in your internet browser and see how far you get with that,’ he continued, before apparently being completely unable to stop himself adding ‘Mwahhahhaaaahaaa’.

‘I’ve been counting down the days to its release,’ said Theo Walcott, camped outside Gamestation on Oxford Street. ‘After the drudgery of training, playing, dating beautiful women and being pursued by the paparazzi, it’s great to escape into the world of purchase orders, staff rotas and VAT returns. I mean, who wouldn’t want to take the reins of a small provincial electronics firm and guide them into the big time of being Horsham’s third largest employer – it’s what every young boy dreams of.’

Players of Office Manager 2012 face all the challenges you would expect from a realistic management simulation, including developing business plans, dealing with incompetent IT suppliers and hiring and firing staff in a bid to build a team that can compete for silverware at the regional small businesses awards.

‘Anyone will tell you that man management is the key,’ said regular gamer and Manchester Unit star, Michael Carrick. ‘You’ve really got to get the best out of your people, so we’re talking clear, measurable objectives and regular performance reviews. But the real test of a manager is how they respond under pressure. So when Sheila from accounts started taking 10 minutes too long for her lunchbreak, I wasted no time in giving her the hairdryer treatment and putting her on the transfer list. My next fixture is away at the employment tribunal.’

Many footballers say it is the ups and downs of professional office management that they enjoy most. ‘Last season I had a cracking line-up at my outfit, Chelsea Drain Clearance Specialists,’ said Frank Lampard. ‘Then all of a sudden I lost the spine of the side to international duty – my secretary went to the Costa del Sol with her boyfriend for two weeks, and the lads in the warehouse went on a booze cruise to Calais. But it’s a year of four quarters, so after a strong Christmas and New Year period I’m still confident we’ll be there or thereabouts come April 1^st.’

But the wives and girlfriends of many premier league footballers complain that they seem to have lost the men in their lives to Office Manager. ‘It’s not right,’ said John Terry’s wife, Toni. ‘He gets home after training and just disappears into the world of the office. I can’t remember the last time he so much as looked at another woman the wrong way or got charged for racist abuse. It’s like I’ve lost him.’

‘There aren’t words to describe how I feel,’ said a tearful Damien Rice at a press conference today. ‘You read about this sort of thing happening to other artists but you never imagine it will happen to you. I just keep asking ‘why me?’ All anyone hopes is that when the time comes to say goodbye to their songs, they go painlessly, but from the recordings I’ve heard it sounds as if ‘Cannonball’ really suffered in its final hours.’

‘Cannonball’, which enjoyed brief fame in 2004 when it reached number 19 in the UK charts after being re-released, was described by Rice as an easygoing song. ‘Like all my songs, it never set out to offend anyone. It kept itself to itself, you know. I just can’t believe that anyone could do something like this to a piece of music – it’s horrible.’

Passers-by reported finding the dismembered remains of ‘Cannonball’ in record stores up and down the UK this morning, but despite the best efforts of the emergency services it was already too late to save it. ‘We think we’re looking for a group of amateurs because whoever committed this horrific act made a right mess of it,’ said a police spokesman. ‘They have shown total disregard for the sanctity of a melody. Our biggest concern now is that unless they are stopped they could go on to commit further atrocities.’

Police are conducting a nationwide hunt for the killer, but recognise that finding the culprit may not be easy. ‘In similar cases the perpetrator has tended to go to ground after one high-profile massacre. We’re still searching for whoever butchered Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ three years ago. However, the public should be warned that Little Mix are considered dangerous and under no circumstances should they be approached with your ears uncovered.’

A media inquest into the death will be held next week, but Rice now just wants closure on the tragedy. ‘All I ask is that the media respect my right to carry on with my career in private, and give me and my family the time and space we need to come to terms with our life-changing royalties.’

The original programme for HS2, or ‘How to Spend again’ has been derailed many times due to unexpected or unprepared-for situations such as countries not paying for their tickets, frozen assets at critical junctures, or the wrong kind of Berlusconi on the line. But with the new Expressway, due to be in operation by 2026 at the latest, the government is confident of reducing the time taken to produce a better deal for the British taxpayer, and cut waiting times for the extension of credit to small businesses by up to 52 years.

‘This has nothing to do with Nimbyism,’ said Transportable Secretary of State Justine Greening, ‘and we are working hard with our European counterparts to find a way to avoid bothering them at all. In fact, we’re looking to reduce services to any European destinations whatsoever, and to be honest, I doubt they’d even notice.’

The new tunnel will begin just outside Amersham which is jolly convenient for many government MPs who will be able to simply park up, step into First Class and text their drivers to ask them to wait as they head off on important government business to the other side of the planet.

China has apparently welcomed the move and President Hu, on a visit to a state-owned facility in Shanghai which had just rolled out a model of the fastest financial transaction ever seen on the planet, said something in Chinese which none of the British reporters present could understand.

A formal announcement on the monumental change of plans by the Secretary of State was expected in Birmingham this morning but has been postponed following transport difficulties including overcrowding at Reading, and the replacement bus service between Banbury and Coventry being cancelled due to the wrong kind of road.

‘To be honest, I feared the worst,’ said 30-year-old Lydia. ‘When you’ve spent your life battling imagined ill health, you just know when a twinge in your ankle is actually something far more sinister. From the moment I sat down and saw the look in my eyes as I gave myself the news, I knew it was bad.’

Despite the setback, Lydia has promised friends and family that she will fight this thing with all she has, buoyed by her against-the-odds recovery last month from a malignant bout of sniffles.

‘We would like to make it clear that our ritual slaughter of Mr Clarkson was ironic and we are sorry if any viewers found it upsetting,’ said an NHS nurse fully trained to perform such a procedure. ‘The removal of his intestines was clearly intended as a joke evisceration and should not be taken as representative of the views of public sector workers towards the Top Gear presenter. Actual disembowelling would be too good for him.’

The BBC is understood to have received a number of angry calls from viewers following the incident, including from Mr Clarkson’s family who had been hoping he would be taken outside and shot in their presence.

Based on an idea by Zadok