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Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
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nickb

People who demand to be forgotten online ‘can’t remember why’

You ain't seen me, right! ‘I don’t want to remember it, whatever it was.’

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Posted: May 18th, 2015
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nickb

Eddie Izzard wins bid to play Nicola Sturgeon in SNP biopic

the perfect man-woman-socialist-third-way guy-girl-dude for the role‘Once you see Izzard in costume for the role, you’re hit by how the similarities are staggering,’ said friend and agent Jim Murphy.

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Posted: May 5th, 2015
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nickb

Cameron hits back at Miliband with Jim Davidson interview

public need to know what Chalky thinks about all this...In a bid to snatch back public attention from Labour’s Ed Miliband, who this week enthused the young electorate with his casual chat with hipster Russell Brand, PM David Cameron has released footage of a ‘laid back chin wag’ with former funny man and casual racist, Jim Davidson.

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Posted: Apr 30th, 2015
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nickb

Farage accuses left foot of being left wing

the choice is simple, ask yourself; 'Do I need this?'Nigel Farage has vowed to shoot himself in the foot after accusing it of being ‘a socialist’. UKIP supporters were concerned when Mr Farage started addressing his left foot as ‘Michael’ and accusing it of treachery. He also addressed his right foot as ‘Margaret’, stroking it lovingly in an interview on Breakfast Time.

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Posted: Apr 19th, 2015
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