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Articles by nickb
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Crimestoppers hit by gobstoppers
Crimestoppers’ campaign to attract younger informants by offering free gobstoppers has ‘bockfried’ according to its CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Wore delsuhed wish gogshoppers an ish haulding bock our walk,’ he commented. ‘The pobom is theshe kids ahre phobing in to roport crimesh boct thore onintelligible ccosh they have got mauves foll of gogshockers we our shelves… [read...]
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GB News has ‘minus zero viewing figures’ as presenters reduced to watching audience
GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in. [read...]
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Princess’s choice ‘not to have Covid jab in her bottom’ prompts royal bum chat.
Among royal bottoms, the Princess of Cambridge’s is widely regarded as the pertest. But Her Royal Highness’s controversial decision to leave both her buttocks uninjected by the Covid vaccine has prompted widespread discussion about bottoms close to the throne. [read...]
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Election rules ‘prevent BBC from describing Boris as c*nt’
Mr Smythe defended the BBC’s decision to pull a recent edition of ‘Have We Got Paul Merton looking Bored for You’ because it featured the leader of a pop-up party whose name nobody can remember. [read...]