CID officers have demanded bigger noticeboards on which they can put multiple pictures of suspects linked with complex networks of string, claiming that modern crime is too complicated for Office Outlet’s ‘standard serial killer’ size of 900 x 600 millimetres. [read...]
Government sources have confirmed that Britain’s first lady-friend, Carrie Symonds will be supplied with a specially adapted f@cking laptop, after a difference of opinion over ownership of the PM’s own f@cking computer, prior to him taking office, [read...]
Multi-billionaire sex criminal Brian Epstein might have been forced into suicide by being murdered, according to secret documents uncovered by yet-to-be assassinated journalists. Meanwhile, though, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, the Duke of Edinburgh, and a hundred other ultra-famous men have signed a letter in the New York Times today in which they deny the not-murdering… [read...]
It’s been alleged that thousands of people awaiting eye tests have been able to pay for illicitly obtained advance copies of the jumbled letters they must read with one eye closed. One optician found that a man who previously needed strong bifocals had, [read...]
Pictures of Boris helping old ladies to cross roads, playing with kittens and rescuing drowning children singlehandedly have been sent anonymously to newspapers, but Mr Johnson has refused to comment on them. Other pictures, including Boris leading a conga dance in an old people’s home; [read...]
