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Scotland votes in favour of merger of Brian Coxes

The new single Cox will play British heavies in middlebrow American action movies, grin at how wonderful science can be and exercise increased tax raising powers, sometimes simultaneously.

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Posted: Oct 30th, 2014
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Overweight hospital staff to be kept in trim by Benny Hill-style chases

Matrons, staff sisters and ward orderlies who are overweight will be chased round hospital premises by chubby Liberal Democrat peers with glasses in an attempt to head off an obesity crisis within the NHS, David Cameron has pledged

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Posted: Oct 26th, 2014
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Parallel world lacks parallel bars

Dr Micky Schmidt of NASA says Earth2 has Hollyoaks, Subbuteo, Partick Thistle, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, bees, both Brian Coxes and headlines dominated by a gravy woman who has just died

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
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Emotional baggage handlers ‘very nervous’ about strike ballot

fears for tears‘Taking people’s emotional baggage on board is nerve-rackingly unpredictable,’ says handler Vic Smythe. ‘That’s why this strike is justified. Although a lot of us are terrified of the outcome. Terrified I tell you!’

Mr Smythe has been in the job five years. He explains: ‘This is a job that requires you to be genuinely sensitive to people, not like nursing, social work or being minister for disabled people. A new Samsonite his ‘n hers means a honeymoon, and your heart just melts.’

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Posted: Oct 17th, 2014
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Genes blamed for increasingly unfortunate Freudian slips

‘My family are understandably prone to Freudian slips,’ explained Lord Freud, after saying disabled people should be kept in kennels, paid 3p an hour and sent up chimneys to eat soot before being put out of their misery by privatised NHS death squads.

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Posted: Oct 16th, 2014
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