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Lord Rennard to play Cyril Smith in Lib Dem biopic

‘Cyril was brilliant at connecting with young voters, especially young men,’ said an excited Lord Rennard. ‘Similarly, I have succeeded in getting into more young women at parties – er, I mean getting more young women into the party.’

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Posted: Jun 2nd, 2014
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Monopoly to withdraw get out of jail free cards

Dozens of armed robbers, rapists and evaders of the TV licence fee have used get out of jail free cards to dupe prison staff supplied by G4S and Serco into allowing them to abscond. After intense pressure from the Home Office and the Police Federation, Hasbro, makers of Monopoly, have said they will no longer supply the cards in new games.

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Posted: May 22nd, 2014
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Gove to privatise child abuse

'why should the state sector have all the fun?'Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’

The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2014
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Pfizer buys Tizer, launches Pftizer

Eyebrows in the carbonated drinks industry were raised when pharmaceutical giant Pfizer launched a refreshing soft drink which they claim “will tackle erectile dysfunction and summertime thirst in one refreshing glassful.’

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Posted: May 17th, 2014
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People who demand to be forgotten online ‘can’t remember why’

You ain't seen me, right!Google, Bing and the other search engine have been deluged with requests from people asking to remove details from their past that may appear when people put their name in a thingy. But many found they couldn’t remember exactly what it was they wanted removed.

One man from Cheltenham whose name can’t be used because we’ve forgotten it said; ‘Better safe than sorry. If people put my name in Google or Crosby they’re sure to find out stuff that, frankly, I’d rather not remember. So much so that I can’t even remember it now. But that’s not the point. I don’t want to remember it, whatever it was, so best if I ask the internet search engine to remove all stuff that comes up that is linked to my name.’

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Posted: May 16th, 2014
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