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HMRC announce crackdown on anything Swiss

Millions of UK tax payers may be sitting on vast holdings of Toblerone without declaring the assets to Her Majesty’s revenue and customs, Conservative ministers have claimed. ‘Swiss, d’you see,’ trumpeted George Osborne, ‘obviously we can’t let them get away with it!’

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Posted: Feb 16th, 2015
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By-passed villagers lament inability to complain about HS2 ruining their homes

residents have never seen a train beforeResidents of the chocolate box village of Aynton in Berkshire have said that they are ‘stunned and shocked’ by the Transport Secretary’s decision not to route the controversial High Speed 2 rail link close to their homes.

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Posted: Feb 5th, 2015
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Pope asks ‘Who wants some?’

His Holiness Pope Francis I has stunned passengers on a flight to the Philippines by suggesting passengers ‘step outside’ to resolve an alleged insult to his mother, adding that he would ‘take on the lot of youse with one hand inside me cassock.’

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Posted: Jan 19th, 2015
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More countries allowing women combat roles ‘could lead to female-only battles’

Women worldwide have demanded the equal right to fight each other to the death in a military conflict, leaving male chauvinist critics to make lame jokes about where they will put their handbags while handling surface to air weapons, and whether they will take slightly longer to get battle-ready than their male counterparts.

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Posted: Jan 17th, 2015
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Last Tango in Halifax ‘to use margarine’

'Mind you, it costs a packet so don't bloody use it all at once'After long deliberations and ‘some experiment in rehearsal’, the producers of Last Tango in Halifax have opted to use a well-known brand name margarine in a much-awaited key scene. Director Mike Smillers said: ‘We were pretty sure we weren’t going to use butter, even as an ‘homage’ to the French original ‘Last Tango in Paris’. Someone bought 200 grams of salted Lurpak to the read through, but we ended up using it for sandwiches.’

The cast did experiment with lard in an early rehearsal. Co Star Anne Reid told the TV Times: ‘There was a lot going for the lard lobby. Very northern and down to earth, and no strain on the production budget. And luckily neither of us is a vegetarian. But after Dinner Ladies, I was uncomfortable with it, frankly, and so was Derek, eventually.’

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2015
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