Theologists and Buddhist gurus have today begun a complete re-think of the path to enlightenment after a thirty-six year old man from Bristol achieved perfect inner Zen after buying a middle of the range Toshiba television from the Dixons electrical store at a retail park on Saturday.

Jeff Daniels, a fork lift truck driver, explained ‘I was quite excited to get it home and unpack it; I’d opted for the 100hz version, 1080p resolution and SRS WOW technology speakers. I already had a pretty decent TV but just felt like I needed to buy something new. It cost me just under seven hundred quid which I put on my credit card’.

But shortly after switching it on and watching the football results in High Definition a strange sensation of inner contentment began to wash over Mr Daniels. He claimed that all his anxieties and inner conflicts began to drift away, ‘as if I was a shell on a tropical beach’. Spiritual leaders now believe that the path to enlightenment may not lie in living a life of service to others, or in contemplation or prayer, or in reading scriptures and seeking a deeper meaning for man’s time on Earth. ‘No, it’s definitely a big telly from Dixon’s’ declared a spokesman for the Vatican, who reported that the Pope has urged people to get Sky Plus as well so you can fast forward through the adverts.

Meanwhile Jeff says that he is no longer trapped in the tormented cycle of ego and consumerism and finally feels complete; he has achieved an absolute clarity and spiritual harmony with no need for material goods; ‘Although I was thinking about buying an Xbox 360 next week, just out of boredom.’

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The 430 page report detailed the guerrilla tactics used to obtain the credit card details of law-abiding citizens and highlighted the three most common methods of so called ‘charity mugging’ which is now recognized as a major social menace:

‘The most common specimen we identified was the so-called ‘Everyones mate’’ said the chairman of the investigating committee Sir Norman McPhail. ‘You know the sort of thing; “Hey my man, shake my hand” This type plays on the public’s own self-consciousness to dupe the target into making physical contact with the charity worker. Once the personal space has been invaded, resistance is futile.’

The report also identified the classic ‘Capitalist reject’ who targets disillusioned office workers by playing on the liberal conscience inherent in most humans; the 40% tax payer that has joined the Free-Tibet FaceBook group and once gave the Tsunami fund a fiver. ‘However,’ concluded the report ‘The most disgusting tactic witnessed was the use of attractive students, commonly with dreadlocks and often barefoot. Most men over 25 are so overwhelmed with the fantasy that she is only approaching them because she finds them more attractive than the commission she’ll get when they inevitably give her their sort code.’ However, the illusion has now been shattered by the report, that reveal many of these girls drink WKD at the weekend and buy clothes from TopShop with their bonuses from frequently smashed monthly targets.

With their aggressive methods now exposed, there is now a fear that the charities might find it simpler just to beat people up and nick their wallets. ‘Feeling oppressed by charity muggers is now a recognised psychological syndrome with its own voluntary trust,’ said Sir Norman. ‘Last week I was approached in the street by some students collecting money for it.’

The one million year extended warranty that covers Planet Earth in the event of loss or breakages will not be honoured it was revealed today. Man has apparently broken the terms of the agreement on seventeen separate points, including ‘inappropriate misuse’, ‘over-exposure to sunlight’ and more imminently ‘immersing in water’.

Early man was persuaded to take out the policy 200,000 years ago as the fragility of Earth became apparent due to early deforestation and exploitation of its natural resources. He also felt slightly pressured by the sales assistant and thought it would be easier to make the regular payments and be done with it. However it appears that he may now rue a failure to read the small print, due to laziness, habit or possibly the absence of any formal written language at the times.

Criticised by his partner for paying all this money down the millennia and getting absolutely no cover in return, one man finally snapped and said ‘All right, all right, it’s not the end of the world. Oh it is apparently.’

An increased risk of heart attacks in the morning will improve throughout the day, with heart disease likely to lower throughout the week following the results of tannin and antioxidant levels from across the Atlantic.

Wine should protect against heart attacks but be wary of high levels of consumption in the South, spreading North during the night, bringing rising blood pressure and increased risk of strokes.

The outlook for oily fish and vegetables remain positive however tuna remains on alert due to high mercury content and cod should still be avoided unless essential due to continuing low stocks. Poor meat saturated fat levels earlier this week should see vegetarians suitably smug, this is likely to change next week when low vitamin b12 and iron quotients are linked to anaemia and Crohn’s disease.

Overall, the rest of the weekend is looking good for enjoying a handful of unsalted peanut and few organically brewed beers to calm all your worries about food.

Environmental groups expressed satisfaction that software giant Microsoft was fined a massive $230 million following an undercover investigation into the handling of items placed in recycling bins, located on millions of computer desktops.

The multi agency investigation, with the aid of computer fraud experts, revealed that photographs, video clips and Word documents were being digitally shipped to the Far East to be printed out and discarded there on massive landfill sites, many near children’s places of work.

Environmental activists have accused Microsoft of arrogance for misleading the public; ‘Users have been placing items diligently in these bins for years thinking they are saving the earth, when in fact the rubbish just gets piled up in a huge dump, it undermines efforts to encourage the public to recycle.’ Microsoft initially refused comment, claiming it to be an industry-accepted practice, but Apple revealed that they diligently separate and recycle all the files; reusing them in other products such as the iPhone and iPod.

Microsoft have since conceded that ‘there has been some breakdown in procedures’ and have announced that the latest updates for windows will see some changes. They will include compliance with the new Environmental Recycling laws, introducing different coloured bins depending on file type. However some critics have blasted this, maintaining that the change in waste bin disposal collection times from weekly to fortnightly, will simply cause discarded documents, pictures and audio files to pile up, and encourage the spread of viruses.’

oli b (with extra input from thackaray and malgor)

It’s long been known that paedophiles and murderers can be identified by simply looking at their photos in newspapers, but it was felt that this process was too subjective, the new software uses advanced facial recognition technology to generate a rating from ‘doesn’t look the type’ to ‘probably did it’. This evidence is then produced by the prosecution in court.

The facial analysis software takes readings of distance between eyes, eyebrow thickness, and evil-looking expression; these values are then processed through a complex algorithm and the criminal is sentenced accordingly.

‘We’re not removing the humanity from the legal process’ stressed the systems designer, ‘we’re adding to it. Before it was all about bits of fluff, fingerprints and other forensic , when guilt was literally staring at us in the face all along.’

Civil liberty campaigners have welcomed the automation of the legal process; ‘You’ve only got to worry if you have, or probably will, do something illegal’ said a spokesman for the Human Rights organisation Liberty. Adding ‘I mean look at this guy; he obviously did it. Just look at the scar.’