Count Dracula has written personally to the nations’ vampire households, outlining the stringent hygiene measures they need to take following direct human contact. In his letter, he says, “We can’t avoid close contact with humans obviously and social distancing is out of the question. [read...]
The head of the country’s influential National Association of Hermits has announced sweeping new measures aimed at tackling the spread of Covid-19. Speaking from his secret HQ on the Isle of Wight, leading hermit Paul Toombs said: ‘With immediate effect, [read...]
Thames Water engineers report finding a huge 60-tonnes jizzberg blocking up a sewer in East London. Roughly the size of three double-decker buses, it is believed the berg has formed at record-breaking speed, due to huge numbers of so-called workers now spending more enforced leisure time in front of their laptops. [read...]
