‘These laws won’t be effective at their stated goal of stopping copyright infringement and will cause serious damage to the free and open Internet,’ said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. ‘Or, to cut to the chase, they could mean that the only way to watch a Thai amputee fellating a dwarf is to fly to sit in a cabin smelling of used condom in Amsterdam and hope none of the junkies nick your wallet first.’

PIPA and SOPA – which, contrary to articles posted on Wikipedia yesterday, have nothing to do with the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister or pictures of naked women with implants lathering themselves in a shower – are efforts to stop copyright infringement committed by websites out of US jurisdiction. According to Wales, however, they may actually infringe free expression while harming the Internet.

‘Putting the burden on website owners to police user-contributed material means that if you want to make a mint out of selling a clip of two Brazilian transexuals doing disgusting things with farm animals you will have to watch it yourself first,’ warned Wales. ‘Do you want that? Because I don’t. Seriously, no.’

Added Wales: ‘Those who have grown up with an open, secure, and free Internet may take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you’d been a teenager in the 1970s and had never seen pubic hair except in a crumpled-up copy of ‘Oui’ you found discarded in a hedge by your school or had to sneak down to your parents’ living room in the middle of a night and sit through two hours of cod-philosophising in a French art house film before finally getting a two-second glimpse of a fandango, you’d be as frustrated and irritable as I am right now … What? Oh, shut UP.’

More remarkable still, the lyrics were put together entirely from messages texted by the WAGs to their footballers and set to music by choirmaster Gareth Malone. ‘(You Better Not Be Shagging Some Skank) When You’re Away From Me’ has touched the heart of the nation, making people aware of the sacrifices made by the women who are facing up to a lonely Boxing Day with their loved ones away to West Bromwich Albion.

Malone said that he was hugely privileged to work with these inspirational ladies. Who, he asked rhetorically, could fail to be moved by lyrics like

Missin u loads babes
Hope u score but not like dat!!!

Or

Get onto ur agent NOW
I cant live off of 20k a week

‘The papers have focused on the courageous men serving at the front of the Arsenal line on cold Wednesday nights in Sunderland,’ said Cole. ‘But they shouldn’t forget the women stuck on their own back here with nothing but 75 pairs of gold shoes for company. It’s us who keep things going on the home front by switching off the snooker room lights and getting someone in to clean out the jacuzzi.’

It was touch and go all the way to the nerve-wracking moment when Radio One announced that the Footballers’ Wives had indeed clinched the top spot in the charts. They had faced tough competition from Little Mix, Cliff Richard and Jive Bunny’s remix of the Dead Kennedys classic ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’, finally securing the win by just a few hundred downloads.

‘I think it would’ve been nailed on from the start if we could have got Victoria Beckham involved,’ Cole said, ‘but we have to respect the fact that she has a phobia about being heard singing in public.’

‘Last week, for instance, I wrote 1,800 words on the the role of the monarchy in Commonwealth countries and how royal tours continue to cement our ties with former colonies even as trade ties weaken,’ said Katie-Jo, 34-24-34. ‘But what did they print? ‘Katie-Jo, 23, from Leicester is happy that Wiliam and Kate’s Canadian tour went so well. ‘It’s wonderful to see them so happy together. Diana would have been proud’ she said’. What a travesty.’

Sun insiders have advised Katie-Jo to be patient, telling her that a picture often says as much as a thousand words, especially if it contains a terrific pair of norks. However, she has warned that unless she is given more opportunities to expound on her philosophy, she may have to consider drastic alternatives.

‘Nuts magazine pays better and you get to write about all kinds of things, like how you once had sex in a lift,’ she said. ‘But I’m hopeful we can compromise. Maybe they can just print my picture at the top right. HR have told me they can do this, though they don’t have any pictures of me with a top on. They do it like that with Johann Hari at the Independent and I hope one day he will plagiarise me too, though admittedly I don’t suppose anyone wants to see his norks.’

‘Britain, you were hopeless in the Party Organisation challenge. You stood in the corner afraid to talk to anyone, then downed 12 pints of lager, tried to start a fight with France and vomited on your shoes. Your CV shows you have experience of starting your own empire from nothing, but the recent bits are less impressive and if you want to be in with a chance of winning here then you really need to up your game,’ Sugar told contestants. ‘But Italy – appointing teenage exotic dancers to run the show for you, what were you thinking of? You’re fired.’

The latest incarnation of the popular series sees European countries competing with each other through a variety of tasks in order to win investment in their economy and the chance to work alongside Lord Sugar’s ego. In Week One, when contestants were divided into North and South teams to set up a catering business, Britain made a rather good cup of tea to complement France’s boeuf en croute, while Greece was fired after the team they were leading went €50 billion over budget and smashed all the plates.

However, since then, things have been on the slide. In Week Two, Britain’s business model of attracting dodgy money from around the world to invest into football clubs, then selling replica shirts made in Chinese sweatshops was criticised as being too high-risk. It was, however, enough to see off Ireland, which bankrupted itself by betting everything on a vague marketing concept called ‘the craic’ to sell tar to tourists for €8 a pint.

Germany remains the strong favourite, impressing Lord Sugar by succesfully making and selling things that aren’t completely crap, something he never quite managed in his own business career. He did however express doubts as to how popular Germany’s proposal to expand the existing business model to the rest of Europe would prove.

‘It’s about brand differentiation,’ said chief executive Terry Leahy, from his secret base under a Pacific island, pausing from being massaged by a Vietnamese girl in a bikini. He then told his henchmen to switch off a clock counting down to the launch of a nuclear missile at Hadleigh, Suffolk, where planning permission for a Tesco superstore was rejected last week, laughing this off as an ‘administrative error’.

‘At the moment you can get a ham and egg sandwich for £1.40 or a ‘Finest’ Wiltshire Cured Ham and Free Range Egg Sandwich on Organic Bread for £2.40,’ Leahy said. ‘From next week, you can also buy an ‘Exquisitely Finer Finest’ Wiltshire Outgoing Ham With GSOH Hand Smoked Over a Turf Fire With Healthy and Athletic Free Range Egg Individually Boiled and Sliced by Rosy-Cheeked Country Maidens on Traditional Irish Organic Soda Bread sandwich for £5.90.’

An initial trial in Leamington Spa met with positive results, with one customer particularly impressed by the Exquisitely Finer Finest range. ‘Sure they cost a little more, but it’s definitely worth the money, you can really taste the extra adjectives,’ he said, before driving over a small furry mammal in his BMW.

Leahy declined to comment on a rumoured extension to the ‘Value’ range. ‘Some of our customers might be prepared to forego euphemisms for a lower price, but there are no current plans for a 69p ‘Value’ Mechanically Rendered Pork Fat Scrapings and Fuck Knows What That Died in a Hen House sandwich,’ he told reporters.

‘For one thing, we’d be giving away all that extra verbiage and charging less into the bargain. And no, of course they’re not all exactly the same ham and egg sandwich anyway,’ he added, pulling a lever and sending a startled director of the Value range into a pool of piranhas. ‘Whatever gave you that idea?’

In the early 20th century, the OED defined the word ‘gay’ as meaning ‘happy, carefree, esp. applied to young people, e.g. gay young thing’. Later it came to be applied to homosexual men as an insult, until they adopted it as a badge of honour. In the past decade, however, the number of definitions has grown to the point where it encompasses the entire universe.

‘Anyone or anything that is (a) in any way not overtly masculine in appearance, conduct or image, (b) uncool, naff or otherwise falling short of arbitrarily defined and rapidly changing contemporary standards or (c) in any way or for any reason, deemed worthy of derision by anyone under 21 is now gay,’ said Boyle. ‘Not just ballet, not just cleaning your bedroom, not just reading novels, everything. And I don’t mean just a bit poofy either, I mean really, REALLY gay.’

Various individuals and groups, from fundamentalist Christian congregations to al-Qaeda, the RFU and TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson, have denounced the OED’s stance as ridiculous and have claimed that they and many others like them are not gay at all. However, Boyle said that they are standing firm on its ruling.

‘Er – hello? Named Jeremy, exaggerated masculinity, obsessive over-compensation, always hanging out with similarly dressed men … need I say more?’ he asked. ‘Born again Christians, all clapping along to cheesy music? Rugby? Fifteen beefy men in tight shorts putting their heads between each others’ thighs – whoo-hoo. And making a big girly fuss over the contents of a dictionary – that really is SO … well, it is though, isn’t it?’

‘It’s been a nightmare,’ sobbed Davenport, who first met the duo at a summer festival last year. ‘I’ll admit I was flattered when they said that when they went out they wanted to be the man who goes along with me, and that when money came in for the work they did they’d pass almost every penny on to me. But to be honest, doing twins is more of a man’s fantasy than a woman’s – and anyway, just look at them.’

Having made their vow, the Proclaimers set out from their homes in Edinburgh two weeks ago, each carrying 50 pounds of deep-fried glucose for sustenance. Because Davenport’s home is only 464 miles from theirs, it is alleged they took detours via Anglesey and Land’s End to make up the full thousand.

‘At the end of it, they simply declared that they were the men who’d walked 1,000 miles to fall down at my door, and did just that,’ said Davenport. ‘They didn’t even want a shag, apparently, though they did say something about havering to me, whatever that means. Weird.’

This is just one of a recent rash of ill-conceived romantic gestures by pop stars. Boy George is reportedly living on benefits after an ex took up his offer of everything he owned just for the chance to talk to him once again, while Prince has repeatedly died 4 u, or at least his career has. And last year Bryan Adams was imprisoned after telling a woman he would fight for, lie for, walk the wire for and die for her, only to punch her when she said ‘that’s fine, but could you stop singing that fucking awful song’.

Meatloaf has criticised them all for their behaviour, adding that he would do anything for love but he wouldn’t do that.

Oxbridge (hat-tip to ianslat)

‘Goths are shy, retiring creatures that thrive best in gloomy autumnal weather,’ said Dr James Barnett of the University of Warwick. ‘Drought conditions aren’t an issue since they rarely wash, but they are poorly equipped to deal with high temperatures as they can’t take off their black jeans and duffel coats. Many also suffer with restricted vision as the heat causes their sweaty, greasy hair to form a lank immovable curtain they can’t see beyond.’

Britain’s Goth population, identifiable by its distinctive eye markings, peaked at around 90,000 in the 1970s, but since then has been driven out of urban habitats by more aggressive, faster-breeding species like Chavs. While some Goths are expected to hibernate until the weather gives everyone less to be cheerful about, there are fears that some could spontaneously combust in the summer sun leaving behind only a pair of smoking 18-hole Dr Martens.

Conservationists have now established a sanctuary in Whitby Abbey and are seeking to lure distressed Goths there by means of artificial darkness, playing Southern Death Cult records around the clock and a Tim Burton retrospective at the local Odeon.

But some believe the project is doomed to failure. ‘This is how evolution works, sadly,’ said Dr Richard Dawkins. ‘A species that cannot adapt to change and shows more interest in self-harming than in breeding is bound to die out. I keep telling people but no one seems to get it. Why doesn’t anyone understand me?’ he screamed, tearfully storming upstairs to play Bauhaus records and write poetry in his room.

Oxbridge (hat-tip to Basil_B)