‘Some people were still undecided right up until the broadcast,’ tweeted the foreign minister of Jordan, ‘but after using TV to put his message across the president can only be seen, clearly, as being way way way out of touch. LOL!’

Hillary Clinton said in fewer than 140 characters that the situation was of ‘grave concern’ and urged ‘restraint on both sides’, before adding the hashtag #givepeaceachance. A further tweet from the State Department suggested that Mubarak ‘should really get himself an iPhone and learn how to use his thumbs’.

Foreign correspondents in Cairo frantically cut their reports down to the bare minimum before broadcasting them, and their use of emoticons throughout the day graphically portrayed the deteriorating mood of the demonstrators.

Taking a cautious approach so as not to entirely align himself with the views of the dissidents, Barack Obama opted at this stage to make comments on the slightly less influential YouTube, but hasn’t ruled out making a terse 140 character statement at some point if it appears to be in American interests, as confirmed in a tweet (via his iPad) by White House spokesman Robert Gibbs.

UK Prime Minster David Cameron meanwhile appears to have come out on the side of the beleaguered President, stating that the only place for violent civil action against military forces in a modern state is on the trickier levels of Angry Birds.

Mubarak has few options left, particularly now that the army has expressed its reluctance to intervene as several key generals are still sulking that state of emergency measures have meant they can no longer get a decent signal. A few loyal senior aides are still hopeful that a deal could be struck with the opposition, however, and believe that allowing the extraordinarily rendered to give real-time updates on their progress through the country’s jails could possibly buy some breathing space.

But time is pressing on the President and the demonstrators are adamantly refusing to back down. ‘For heaven’s sake,’ tweeted “Abdul72″ from Luxor, ‘how on earth can any country respect a President who still has a page on MySpace?!’.

With a mixture of easy banter and sparklingly persuasive twinkly eyes, not to mention getting paid handsomely for charitable appearances, Wogan has all the credentials needed to make him a popular temporary Taoiseach. And with Eli O’Pace in the crucial, lyrical, whimsical yet professional role of Culture Secretary, the prospects of a new, reinvigorated Ireland seem secure until at least lunchtime most days, and possibly even beyond.

Wogan will also be taking on the Foreign Affairs portfolio himself citing years of experience with those overseas through Eurovision, where his insightful pronouncements on ‘what they’re up to’ have largely proved to be spot on. He does concede however that Ireland does not expect to win that particular European popularity contest, or for that matter any other, at least for the foreseeable future.

Janet and John will jointly take on the portfolio of Environmental Affairs, and both have been hard at work. After his meeting with Dutch Environment Minister, Birgitte Grootborst, John has already briefed Janet on how it is sometimes extremely environmentally important to stick your finger in a dyke, and Janet has found that environmentally friendly wind turbines continue to produce energy even when John is strapped to one of the blades.

‘It’s time to forget the past and move on,’ said Wogan, 93, ‘which is why after a few days I’ll be handing everything over to Chris O’Evans most mornings – lovely fella – and he’ll also be helping my Finance Minister Gay Byrne out with fiscal policy from time to time, as Gaybo does get very tired these days come Friday evening. We’ll sort out all we can and then the Irish people, God bless ‘em, can go to the polls and elect a better government than the one that’s just left. But looking at what we had, well, mark my words, Dustin the Turkey could be making a reappearance any time now.’

‘It’s one of the last remaining challenges known to science and we’ve cracked it at last,’ said lead researcher, Professor Kenneth Libbrecht. ‘The team will soon disband to pursue other major scientific challenges, such as the unresolved toast-butter conundrum, and whether or not my baldness makes me a better lover.’

The scientists then ordered another round and considered the futility of existence, an activity for which they also receive a grant worth twice the GDP of Tonga.

Picture by larryharry

Citing evidence including audio conversations, the occasional screenshot, and surreptitiously obtained planning requests backed up by photos found on Google Streetview, Clinton also said that the Pentagon had found clear evidence that Assange was taking advantage of liberal Swedish laws to build a secret underground lair demonstrating Wikileaks was a fundamental risk to democratic institutions such as the US Federal government.

The Secretary of State said the US was also concerned about small ads in the situations vacant column of local newspapers seeking applications from individuals interested in a career as a uniformed goon.

Clinton was adamant that the activities of Assange and his organisation were no trifling matter, and stressed that there was a very good chance the world would end if the sinister feline-fondling mastermind was allowed to carry out his dastardly plans for revealing to the international community that the US diplomatic service would find the Russians easier to deal with if Vladimir Putin wouldn’t insist on whipping his shirt off at every opportunity to reveal a chest ‘that isn’t all that’. She also warned of ‘grave consequences’ for everybody should it become public knowledge that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the top of President Obama’s Christmas card list.

The US Government has now upped the ante by saying they may activate one of their field agents currently in the vicinity of Mr Assange, who is believed to be living in a safe house in London. It is understood that the agent might have strange pointy shoes which could be lethal if directed in the right way. Names weren’t given, ‘for reasons of National security’, but early evidence suggests it might be Theresa May.

While pleased to hear of the end of the violent campaign, the Irish Government rejected the claims that the struggle for unification of the North with the financially crippled Republic ‘wasn’t even worth the cost of the petrol bombs’.

Finance minister Brian Lenihan maintained a string of recovery measures including increasing exports of Riverdance, getting Rutger Hauer back to do the Guinness ads, and encouraging tourism by asking Bono to stay in France for a while, would have the country back on its feet in no time. ‘This will ensure Ireland’s banks will once again be worth robbing, and those involved can easily carry on denying any involvement in criminal activity whatsoever’, insisted the minister.

The paramilitaries remained unconvinced, however. ‘A vision of a united Ireland, and its bigger market for drugs and protection rackets, and the associated sharp upturn in the demand for our legitimate business interests in crutches, has kept us going for many years and for what? The Pope doesn’t even bother visiting us, for Christ’s sake.’

Operations in the North are now being drawn to a close and the leadership of the terror outfit are planning a wholesale move overseas, where they plan to heat up once again the long-running sovereignty arguments around Greece and Cyprus. ‘I know, I know, their economy’s as knackered as the Irish one,’ said a Real IRA source, ‘but at least they get a bit of sunny weather over there and we can stop needing to wear these feckin’ balaclavas all the time.’

While hoards of indignant businessmen had their noses pressed against the ground floor windows of banks across Europe by the force of the crowds behind them, the bankers were insistent that they wouldn’t give up their struggle. Politicians arrived by the back entrance to give their support and the stress inside the buildings often resulted in the finest whisky being produced, which had to be nipped slowly and leisurely whilst waiting for the Dover sole to arrive, or perhaps a spot of Foie Gras.

‘The lending will only start again when we get bored of counting the money that’s coming in, start shagging our secretaries and find out we need to fund yet another divorce,’ said Mr Georgiou.

‘I popped down to the local Waterstones, bought up a job lot of copies of ‘A Journey‘ and have been setting light to them all afternoon,’ he moaned. ‘Have the BBC been here? Sky? Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley? Not a bloody sausage.’

Mr Bevan revealed that the only interest he’d received in his activities had been from his neighbour Stan who was worried the smoke might affect his begonias, but he quickly changed the subject to where Mr Bevan might be going on holiday next year.

‘What’s the world coming to when you can’t take a stand on something that you’re totally passionate about, and not be taken seriously?’ said Mr Bevan. ‘It’s free speech gone mad. Or indifferent or something. Anyway, that’s enough of that. Grand Prix’s on.’