A Galliano spokesman said:

‘John could have simply expanded into other ethnic groups beyond his stylistic restaurant anti-semitism, but only a world-class xenophobe could reinvent himself in this way.

‘ ‘Grosse Misconduct’, with a deceptively French feel, relies on a medley of traditional scorn and contemporary hatred drawn from his own considerable experience and aimed at himself and those who revere him. It is sure to offend even the most carefree gay and lesbian communities.’

The spokesman added that GM was a valuable step towards the designer’s ‘total alienation and would probably earn him a custodial sentence award’.

Galliano is rumoured to be now working on a new ensemble, ‘Misogyny’, and a new line in convict abuse which he expects to model himself.

Switchboards at the BBC were jammed last night as angry viewers of Eastenders called in their thousands to complain that the VAT rise to 20% had not affected items seen in the show.

‘I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the prices they are paying for a pint of beer in the Queen Vic,’ said Mark Jones, a postman, ‘highly paid soap stars are paying the same amount that they were a year ago, it’s almost as if the bar staff don’t care about the amount of change they are giving’.

Convenience store owner Raj Mistry also called in to complain, ‘Every day I get customers arguing with me about prices: ‘Why is it £2.80 for a pack of toilet paper, I could get the same for next to nothing in Walford?’ My friend at the chip shop even has gangs of people hanging around expecting  free adultery with every piece of cod, the EastEnders producers are ruining our livelihoods.’

Editor of Empire magazine David Maddison is a big fan of the ‘Prestwick treatment’ as it’s now being called saying ‘I applaud this type of guerrilla filming which gives a really nice documentary feel to the whole piece. When I saw the original I thought it was good but I felt like a lone outsider looking in though when you add in the coughs and whispers from the fellow audience members and the shaky camera it makes you feel like you’re sitting right there in the cinema, almost like a film within a film, a fantastic concept. When the guy with the popcorn walked in front of the camera at 1hr24m I craned my neck to try and look around him it was that convincing’

Others who have seen the film have cited the subplot of John trying not to be caught by the staff as a stroke of genius. President of the Academy of Motion pictures Tom Sherak said ‘I’m sure I wasn’t alone in holding my breath as John ducked down in his seat every time an usher walked past, with every shine of a torch beam I was literally gripping the seat in anticipation that any minute he could be frogmarched into the manager’s office. I was particularly keen on his journey to the toilet where the camera is focused on his feet the entire time with the dialogue of the film getting further away until it’s finally replaced by the sound of urination. Of course my favourite part was the omission of the last 15 minutes which leaves the audience hanging indefinitely, no credits just a blank screen and loud rustling noises , very reminiscent of early Lynch I thought’

As John was preparing to be flown out to Los Angeles by the organisers he spoke about his next big project ‘I’m planning to film the whole ceremony on my mobile phone and sell it down the market when I get back’

Mr Bridle is adamant that he was the one excreting in the story and that he dined out on the tale for many years sometimes even with his best friend at his side relaying his part in answering the door to the unfortunate lawman but then a few months ago they were at a house party when he overheard Mr Nayar tell the story with himself as the leak taker; ‘I stood there aghast barely able to contain my disappointment but felt compelled to correct my erstwhile friend. For some reason he mistook my veracity as masked hostility and bellowed at me that I was the one who answered the door to the policeman while he delivered the liquid payload from above. After three months of protracted discussions the only course of action left to me is a legal one and I will have my day in court, nobody is going to call me a liar and get away with it’.

Mr Nayar is less vocal but certainly as aggrieved ‘I remember the incident well and although I was the principal mischief maker I was quite happy to let Mark take the credit at first, sitting quietly by chuckling to myself but he wouldn’t stop telling it, over the years I’ve heard it at BBQ’s, weddings, christenings and birthday parties, the last straw came when somebody else actually told the story to me. I’ve been his straight man for twenty years but no more, by the time I’m finished with him he’ll not only have to depict me in my true role but pay me royalties whenever he tells the bloody story.’

The only witness to the incident PC Ian Ball was unable to recollect any details of the night in question ‘I visited a number of properties that evening so I’m afraid I have no idea who answered the door to me, I do remember the weather was particularly bad though and it rained quite heavily at one point’.

Tony Clarke, a lifelong egomaniac was happily married for 18 years but always suspected something was wrong. ‘Over the years I started spending more time alone and when I caught my reflection I began to hold my gaze for a little longer each time before coquettishly turning away, I would spend hours talking to myself and found I had so much in common with me. Inevitably it wasn’t long before I started seeing myself behind my wife’s back and it quickly escalated into a torrid affair’.

Tony sat with a look of total adoration on his face as he described his first date ‘it was like a fairytale, I had a quick drink in a local pub before heading to a quiet bistro for a romantic meal, maybe it was the thought of being caught out during my illicit rendezvous but I was almost trembling with anticipation, I remarked to myself that I had never looked more handsome as I stared longingly into my eyes reflected in the window bathed in candlelight. Afterwards I went for a moonlight stroll walking hand in hand with myself along the river, it was then I knew I could no longer carry on living a lie’.

One of the hardest parts for Tony was coming out to his parents. ‘Not for a minute did I ever imagine myself as gay, having never been interested romantically in another man but I had really turned my head and found that I was the most imaginative lover I had ever been with, able to bring myself to inexplicable heights of ecstasy with just a full length mirror and box of Kleenex. To my surprise my family were supportive, my father secretly confiding in me that he too had harboured thoughts of a liaison after catching sight of himself working out in the gym but had remained faithful for the sake of the children’.

Clarke has now returned to his work in the theatre, where he was suprised to discover that his civil partnership was readily accepted by his work colleagues to the point of indifference. ‘It’s almost as if all the other actors were more interested in what they had been up to than what I had been doing,’ he revealed.

Comes with 'Get out of the toilets alive' card

Under pressure from commuter groups and following a pledge from Network Rail to improve the nation’s worst train stations, toy maker Hasbro today unveiled plans to upgrade the four stations that appear on its best-selling board game Monopoly.

‘Times have changed,’ said a spokesman for the company.  ‘The black silhouetted picture of a steam engine, signifying steady progress and reliable workmanship, is no longer in keeping with the 21st century experience of travelling by train.’  Instead the stations will now carry the image of a single graffiti-covered carriage, the faces of miserable commuters just visible through the grime-caked windows.

The move has also required changes to the ‘Chance’ and ‘Community Chest’ cards to reflect advances in public transport.  One now reads ‘Pay £600 for an off-peak single to Manchester’, while another instructs the player to ‘Advance to Go, but slowly, and via all four stations using the new replacement bus service’.

Dave first made the decision when he was at school and decided to befriend the local bully ‘Big Johnny Carter’ who was surprised when the kid he had been beating up and stealing lunch money from asked him if he fancied a game of football and invited him round to dinner. Eventually they became good friends despite Johnny constantly stealing from his house, making sexual remarks about his mother and giving his dad a broken nose. Five years later he took the rap for an assault Johnny had committed and found himself locked up for six months in a young offender’s institution only to be released to find Johnny engaged to Dave’s childhood sweetheart.

In Dave Ansell’s working life the same story unfolded, he became drinking buddies with the people he despised the most, the office letch, the power hungry manager, the jobsworth, all labels he found himself adopting by association. He was shunned by his peers and constantly passed over for promotion, people would whisper to each other as he walked by and silently he dreaded the Friday evening after work drinks where he was forced to listen to the most ignorant and naïve chatter, nodding in agreement to keep in with his gang of pariahs excusing himself every now and again to go to the toilet and cry in the cubicle.

Dave’s once close friend Stephen Bath who now refuses to talk to him says he warned him many times of embracing the people who had wronged him but Dave seemed determined to carry on. He reminisced ‘I remember we were planning a lads’ holiday together but had a big argument when Dave invited the burglar who had broken into his house and defecated on the carpet, that soured things between us. We eventually patched things up and I was very happy when he met his then fiancé but unfortunately before the wedding he asked her violent, alcoholic ex-husband to be his best man, the wedding was called off and that was the last I saw of him.’

Dave finally conceded that perhaps he shouldn’t have taken the advice so literally but was steadfast in his belief that his grandmothers other words of wisdom ‘always carry an umbrella’ were invaluable over the years.