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Passport backlog: thousands of Brits wanted a holiday in Cornwall all along

'Thank God Rick Stein's not around to see this'Tens of thousands of people who have had to cancel foreign holidays because of the passport backlog have realised that actually they wanted to go to Cornwall all along.

‘We’d booked two weeks on the Costa del Sol,’ said Fred Ashford, from Ashford, ‘but as soon as we knew our passports wouldn’t be ready, we reappraised the situation and found that foreign adventures probably weren’t for us at this time. It turned out that our ideal holiday destination, in terms of climate, food, relaxation, home from home facilities and all that, was Newquay. And if it pisses down all week again, who cares? I intend to have lots of fun in this new pot-bellied surfing wetsuit I bought by not paying £55 each to speed up the passport application.’

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2014
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roybland

IDS stays in bed with curtains closed, neighbours say

‘It’s since he made a balls of Universal Credits,’ said one. ‘It’s the only proper job he’s had and he knows nobody will employ him in future.’

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Posted: Jun 8th, 2014
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roybland

Man who feels like a stranger in his own country just a friendless bastard

‘Oh, Percy Williams? Everyone hates him,’ said neighbour Heather Smith. ‘We cross the road to avoid the racist shitbag. I don’t know about being a stranger in his own country, the bigoted old git is a stranger in his own street.’

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Posted: May 29th, 2014
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roybland

Waitrose shopper ‘strolled into Aldi nightmare’

Loyal Waitrose shopper Margie Bento-Davis is still receiving counselling six weeks after she absentmindedly strolled into a branch of Aldi. Her therapist has warned her that she may never overcome the shame of being seen in Aldi and almost buying something there.

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Posted: May 23rd, 2014
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roybland

UKIP voters determined to overcome X drawing challenge

UKIP voters are going all out to make sure they can draw a cross correctly on their ballot papers on Thursday.
‘I’ve being practising for weeks,’ said Fred Blackstone (67). ‘I don’t want it get it wrong and lose Nigel a vote.’

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Posted: May 22nd, 2014
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