The price of S&M services has ‘gone through the roof’ in recent years, a cross-party Parliamentary committee has found. The 128-strong Personal Services Committee has blamed the steep rise in the large number of companies encouraging punters to make spurious personal injury claims.

‘The names and details of MPs, sorry, customers are being sold on to unscrupulous private insurance firms, for up to £500 a time,’ explained Tom Elkington, the chair of the committee. ‘Everybody in the industry knows that that they are taking these backhanders; a masked dominatrix who gave evidence to the committee described it to us as the S&M industry’s ‘dirty little secret.’ Well, one of them, anyway.’

‘The cost of an evening’s humiliation has doubled in the last few years,’ remarked one right honourable anonymous punter MP. ‘And the second I get home afterwards, there’s always a call from some shifty insurance company or other asking me if I have suffered any whiplash injuries. What damn fool kind of question is that? Of course I have; that’s what I’ve just paid for.’

The committee is pushing for Parliament to act as quickly as possible. ‘We believe it’s time for strict new controls to be introduced into the S&M industry,’ declared Mr Elkington. ‘Oh, and they need to stop selling customers’ personal data to private insurance companies as well.’

The Association of British Insurers has agreed that radical reform was desirable. ‘We would like to act more decisively on this one,’ explained a spokesman. ‘but unfortunately our hands are tied. Hold on, I’ll rephrase that.’

In an unprecedented move, four members of the same jury have been given nine month prison sentences for using cartoon sleuthing techniques to research the accused, whilst still on trial.

Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, and Norville ‘Shaggy’ Rogers were found guilty of contempt of court after utilising a contraption consisting of nets, levers, pulleys and trap doors – described by a Crown Court judge as ‘entrapment, plain and simple’

Bill Kreislovski, a 47 year old fairground caretaker from Southend, had all charges dropped by the judge, after the extra-curricular research was revealed by a fellow juror. Upon hearing that he was to be acquitted, Mr Kreislovski said ‘Yes, it’s true; it was all an elaborate hoax to scare customers away. Then I could have inherited the fairground myself. And I would have got away with it if it hadn’t have been for those pesky meddlin’ jurors and their infeasibly complicated Heath Robinson-influenced trapping techiniques … wait a minute, I have got away with it – brilliant!’

Kreislovski went on to confess to several other offences that had been uncovered by the jurors’ initial internet research – including faking 9/11, membership of the Illuminati and being a 12 foot shapeshifting lizard – before walking free.

The jurors deny ever having met prior to the trial. But speculation is rife that they may be members of the same religious sect; all four have been photographed wearing wristbands featuring the inscription ‘What Would Scooby Doo?’

Police backup was called for, as distressed fans demanded their voluntary donations back from the musical-wing of the Vaishnav Hindu sect.

‘They are usually a storming live act’ explained longstanding Krishna’s fan Dave Devlin ‘but when you travel 80 miles to see them, you expect them to perform their big hit – it’s just not a Hare Krishna’s show without it.’

‘We thought it was time to ring the changes to the setlist.’ explained lead damaru player Krishna Rishi Dass (formerly Colin Baxter from Aberdeen). ‘I still love playing it, but there’s so much more to us than just that one chant. If fans listened to our new album they’d be really surprised; we’ve tried some new things this time and I think it’s really paid off.’

Word that the Krishna’s were reinventing themselves leaked out last summer; news spread that they were in Berlin’s Hansa Studios with producers Brian Eno and William Orbit. The full extent of their transformation became apparent at yesterday’s show though; the band appearing one by one from Carphone Warehouse, sporting mullets and playing portable synthesisers and alto saxophones.

The Krishnas were formed in 1966 in New York by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, formerly of cult psychedelic garage band ‘Liquorice Stripes.’ They have undergone several line-up changes since. However, apart from an ill-advised prog phase in 1974, the group has adhered to a tried-and-tested formula, adored by their legions of fans around the world – at least until now.

‘We actually had a reworked version of our hit ready for the final encore’ mused Baxter after the show, ‘but once you’ve been pelted into Superdrug with copies of your own cookbook … well, it’s ‘game over’ isn’t it?’

‘It’s such a shame really: our fans are clearly not digging this latest incarnation of the group. Which, considering that we’ve always been really hot on the impermanence of all things and the inevitability of an endless cycle of reincarnations, is pretty bloody ironic, don’t you think?’

President Obama made the announcement in a televised address on the fifth anniversary of forces entering Aisle 14, initially to clear up a jar of diabetic cherry jam accidentally dropped by a customer.

‘This is not yet the endgame, but it is at least the beginning of the opening move of the endgame,’ a triumphant Obama told America in the 10 minute address. ‘The floor of aisle 14 is already a safer and markedly less slippery place then it was this time last year.’

The American public are increasingly sceptical of the intervention, however. ‘We were told it would only take a few minutes to clean up the breakage, but here we are, five years later,’ complained Brad, a call centre worker from Iowa. ‘No sooner were our boys in there, then several jars of Tiptree thick cut lime marmalade went flying, followed by the whole Nutella BOGOF concession. This is Waitrose, South Harrow all over again.’

‘If you’ll forgive the pun, they’re spreading themselves way too thinly,’ commented USA Today defence correspondent Laurence Eagelgruber. ‘Straight away they were sucked into a series of minor skirmishes: disciplining screaming toddlers by the crisps, nuts and confectionery, not to mention detonating all the unexpected items in the bagging area. I doubt that Chingford shoppers will be able to self-serve for many years now.’

The President has promised that the withdrawal will be accompanied by an extensive reconstruction campaign for the heavily cratered Tesco store – still largely situated at a roundabout on the A113 to Waltham Abbey. A lengthy tendering process has been concluded after 48 hours following a ‘surprisingly reasonable’ bid from US-based ‘Walmart International Construction Co.’

The protestors are said to be ‘in disarray’ over news of Mr Monbiot’s imminent arrival at the camp. The visit is supposedly to offer ‘advice on fully ethical and sustainable modes of inner city non-violent passive resistance’, but it is widely seen by the tented ones as the quickest way to bore them into giving up any hope of changing the world and going home instead for a nice, hot, gas-powered bath.

The City of London Corporation’s planning committee says that they have ‘thought long and hard’ before calling in Mr Monbiot, a move which County Hall refers to as the ‘nuclear option’ – although, they clarified, ‘obviously, without the nuclear’.

Monbiot (48) is believed to have already begun the walk to London from his wattle-and-daub eco-home in the Brecon Beacons. He plans to travel as far as Pangbourne on foot, completing the journey down the Thames in a geodesic kayak, finally riding into St Paul’s square on a solar powered Segway.

‘Don’t get me wrong: George is, like, my hero,’ explained protester Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Compton-Couvela sitting on the steps of St Paul’s, shivering, and drenched in global warming-related rain. ‘But as soon as he turned up at Dale Farm he started checking whether I had lithium ion batteries in my torch, which I thought was just a bit too ‘investigative’. I let it go, I went along with it, but by the time he left, I was sharing my tent with a homeless family from Dagenham and cooking them a hearty vegan breakfast every morning. I really can’t go through all that again.’

The staff and clergy of Saint Paul’s are already resigning en masse in protest at the plan.

‘I realise it’s a fairly desperate measure’ admitted City of London Corporation’s policy and resources committee chairman, Stuart Fraser. ‘But the only workable alternative was to send in Vanessa Redgrave. I know this is the City of London, but we do have some ethics.’

The record rewards packages – which the leaders are now compelled to reveal thanks to a recent UN ruling – run into an average of 2.3 billion dollars – often more than twice the GDPs of the countries they are terrorising.

‘We are all well aware that the public and media consider these end-of-year incentivisation schemes to be a tad excessive’ explained Burmese leader Than Shwe. ‘However this level of remuneration is vital to attract, retain and motivate the best people for these demanding roles – roles that have decidedly unpredictable pension schemes, I should add.’

‘Another thing that isn’t taken into consideration is the huge amount of wealth that we create for the nation in which we finally settle, when we are inevitably toppled in a bloody coup.’ added Eritrean totalitarian-in-chief Isayas Afewerki. ‘We could very easily move our retirement homes and multi-billion-dollar nest eggs to Switzerland if people keep complaining – would you like us to do that?’

The latest figures have attracted criticism from the unions, with Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite questioning why the reward schemes have been tolerated by the money markets ‘This last year has been disastrous for nearly all the main dictatorships, with a marked downturn in the quality and extent of bloodthirsty tyranny; to award yourself record incentive packages at a time like this is just adding insult to decreased brutality.’

‘But the tide is turning, as the popular uprisings in North Africa have shown. This is only the beginning: next month sees the publication of a scathing new OFT report which will call for the worldwide regulation of despots followed a damning article in Which – there‘s no way they can withstand the combined pressure.’

‘The party is over; it’s time brutal tyrants brought their reward packages into line with other sociopathic management posts in sectors such as insurance, estate agency and local council parking regulation.’

‘The criteria that Ofcom usually applies to television programmes is whether they are fair, accurate and not liable to offend’ explained Ofcom Chief Sir Derek Fowles announcing the launch. ‘These are clearly not appropriate or helpful for the burgeoning crap sector of the market. The key issue for Oftoss to adjudicate upon is this: having pandered to our late night viewing instincts, do these shows actually make good on their promises. Far too often at present, it would appear that they do not.’

Sir Derek was convinced of the need for the new body after returning home on Friday night with a curry to watch Living TV’s ‘Pole Dancing Uncovered’.

‘It was just a bunch of middle class housewives taking an evening class in it. I hadn’t wanted an hour of my life back so desperately since watching Matrix Revolutions. I knew then, that swift and decisive action had to be taken.’

An Oftoss advisory panel has already been appointed, headed by a new Government ‘Crap Tsar’ Lord Terry Christian. Jamie Theakston and Sara Cox have also been promised ‘significant roles’ in consultations.

In an opening paper, sent to key crap-based terrestrial and cable channels, Oftoss highlighted a number of ‘worrying trends’ brought to their attention, including ‘reasonable sounding evangelists’ on God TV and two hours dedicated to ‘Extreme Pooh Sticks’ by the Extreme Sports channel. In particular, they expressed concern at a marked drop in the plausibility of conspiracy theory shows; quoting at length a complaint they had received from a Wiltshire viewer regarding Bravo’s documentary ‘The Reigate Goat-man Uncovered’

‘I am normally a huge fan of such programmes, and more than ready to believe even the most fantastically implausible conspiracies, providing that the mocked-up footage is accompanied by a portentous voiceover and fluorescent special effects. However the show strained even my credulity: it was clearly just a goat that had been photographed by some drunk people – even I could see that.’

The paper also castigated the channels for a 27% drop in campness over a 12 month period. Particular ire was reserved for Channel 5 show The Real Mamma Mia, which turned out to be a 90 minute documentary about three women who had decided to get married in Greece.

‘British Television is considered by many to be the finest in the World’ remarked Lord Christian. ‘The crap sector too, has huge potential for pre-eminence. It must not use its crapness as an excuse for any further slippage… ooh that sounds a bit rude doesn’t it?’

Monitoring stations have been noting the incidence of the pronunciation on a number of drivetime radio shows across America’s West coast. The usage is thought to have been prompted by a rare outbreak of international news in the US media. Observers are concerned that the usage may escalate to network TV channels. There is also worry that America has the capability to direct the word towards a number of key overseas media, including Radio 4’s Today programme and BBC2’s Newsnight.

Only last year the US had agreed on a moratorium on the use of ‘nuke-ulor’, along with ‘Eye-rark’, ‘aloo-min-um’.  These were agreed in exchange for a number of UK concessions, including permanent decommissioning of the words ‘indubitably’ and ‘estimable’,

Despite concern about the stand-off, a number of  international commentators are suggesting that the actions of the last 24 hours are in fact aimed at the country’s domestic audience. ‘This always happens at times of economic uncertainty.’ claims Anthony Spleigh     professor of militaristico-linguistics at University College, London, England ‘government sources stir up a wave of linguistic ‘Pay-tree-it-ism’ Sources start leaking rumours about secret linguistic fission centres, and ‘MUSS-aile’ testing in underground ‘LAB-ur-Tor-ees’ and ‘LY-ber-ees’.  I’m sure their secretive leader president Ba-RARK Obama will soon bow to pressure if other nations stand firm. The last time the UN threatened to ‘debrief’ President Bush he soon changed his tune and rapidly called the whole thing off.’