The report said Wales had contributed ‘proportionately little’ to the UK over the years apart from ‘a few famous names, an attractive coastline and those blokes in Zulu.’ The report cites the region’s declining industrial contribution, Tom Jones’ failing popularity and ‘that funny made-up language’ as justification for the sale.

A Treasury insider said last night: ‘We had a brainstorming session about the pros and cons of flogging off Wales. We captured a few good reasons to keep it but once we got going on the benefits of the sale we had to get an extra flipchart pad.’
A spokesman for the Prince of Wales refused to comment last night on reports that the prince was willing to give up his title because he ‘never really liked the place and was happy with Cornwall’.

It’s thought that potential bidders have already been approached about the impending sale of the region, including wealthy Arab, Russian and US individuals as well as private organisations such as Disney and IKEA. A proposed internal bid by the Welsh themselves to buy their historic homeland failed to generate much interest.

But the news brought an outraged reaction in some parts of the principality. ‘If this is some kind of joke then it is not funny’ said a spokesman for Plaid Cymru, ‘It is racist, offensive and ill-informed,’ he added angrily, causing the value of Wales to fall even further.

Following a recent survey of marine wildlife off the coast of Cornwall police are investigating reports than an illegal money-lender, or ‘loan shark’, may have been sighted patrolling shallow waters in Newquay bay. Rarely seen outside their usual inner-city habitats, it is thought this specimen may have been lured here by increased activity on the beaches from stay-at-home holidaymakers, and the smell of money that in other less turbulent years would have found shelter in tills on the Costa del Sol.

Tourist Claire Speight believes she was approached by the loan shark whilst paddling in the sea with her four year old son. “It was really scary. We were just about to come out of the water when he came up to me, flashed his teeth, and asked if I needed any spare cash. I didn’t know what to do for a minute so we played dead and when that didn’t work we just paddled as fast as we could to the safety of the beach, but he was quite persistent, chasing after us talking about easy payments and quibble-free terms. I really don’t know how we managed to get away.’

Another holidaymaker, Grant Evans, reported a similar experience further up the coast near Mawgan Porth. He said; ‘I was having a conversation with the wife about where we should eat that night and how many of the local restaurants were too expensive. After that I went for a swim and the next thing I knew I was being asked if I needed some money to ‘treat the wife’. You’ve got to watch these predators; not only have they got a nose for cash, see. They’ve also got verrry good hearing. I was lucky, but it’s a warning to others, and thank God I had the thought of that lasagna we still had in the fridge to get me through.’

Coastguard Dave Riches confirmed extra patrols were operating on some beaches in a bid to catch or scare off the loan sharks before they can strike. ‘We have big signs up telling bathers to stay within the flags and to look out for strong currents and illegal money-lending, and other bigger signs with ‘OFT’ written on them to wave at the sea and ward them off, although we are stepping up our state of alert as a result of the latest sightings. But we urge holidaymakers not to worry; these sharks should be harmless as long as people don’t touch them, annoy them or agree terms with them over five years at two hundred percent p.a.’

A Norfolk man has blamed the global credit crunch and sub-prime debacle as justification for refusing to lend his lawnmower to his 84 year old neighbour. Council worker, Derek Sharp, 48, said he ‘wasn’t prepared to compromise his assets’ during what he described as ‘this period of uncertainty and turbulence.’

His bewildered neighbour, Jack Flowers, said he was ‘shocked and saddened’ by Mr Sharp’s refusal, especially as he had borrowed the Flymo many times during the eight years the two men have lived side by side in the terraced street in Fakenham. ‘I can’t understand it,’ said Mr Flowers. ‘I was looking forward to mowing the lawn for the first time this spring and I asked Derek if I could borrow the mower, as I have done dozens of times before. This time he just muttered something about ‘fiscal tightening’ and shut the door in my face. Well, I didn’t know what to do.’

Pressed to explain his actions after many unblemished years of generosity to his widowed war-veteran neighbour, Mr Sharp said: ‘I know it may seem harsh, but we are facing a crisis on the world financial markets and none of us are immune. Like millions of others around the world, I’ve had to review my lending criteria and I’ve decided that handing out my lawn mower willy nilly is just plain irresponsible.’ Mr Sharp pointed to the high profile cases of Northern Rock and Bear Stearns as justification for his prudence.

Last night, B&Q issued a statement saying the company was considering increasing the supply of mowers into its stores this summer in a bid to ease fears of a national mower lending crisis. A spokesman said: ‘We’re watching developments carefully. Mower lending is based on trust and confidence and we need to be prepared if the practice dries up.’

Meanwhile, Mr Flowers, has found salvation from a rather heavy old push mower lent to him by his grandson. ‘He’s a good lad…’ said the decorated war veteran, ‘And he only deducted a £7.50 handling charge on the £100 deposit, which isn’t bad in the current economic climate.’

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Bricklayer John Dobbs, his wife Debbie and their three sons were moved to four different hotels before being asked to leave after they repeatedly appeared pleasant, respectful and friendly to locals and fellow tourists.

Island police say they received complaints about the family alleging they were polite to the hotel staff, controlled their children and didn’t drink excessively. They even supposedly went up in the hills to visit local landmarks and religious statues, where Mr Dobbs was overheard explaining; ‘That’s a statue of Athena, son, the Goddess of posters. And this one is Socrates, who invented the triangle…’ The police decided to take action after local waiting staff complained that the family seemed simply incapable of referring to them en masse as ‘Stavros’.

A spokesman for Thomas Cook said they hadn’t initially suspected the Dobbs family to be troublemakers. ‘Mr Dobbs certainly looked the part – he had the bald head, the tattoos, the paunch, you name it. Mrs Dobbs too fitted the profile of our typical tourist clientele, with Argos jewellery, replica Hermes handbag and a small, and in no way sexy, dolphin tattoo on her shoulder. The kids were dressed in standard issue England football tops, one of them even believed to be official FA merchandise.’

But then it all started to get nasty the next day when there were complaints from fellow holidaymakers that the family were attempting a bit of Greek and enquiring about local delicacies when ordering food in restaurants and not just looking at the pictures on the menu and pointing. They were moved to different hotels for their own safety but the same problem arose. Eventually the tour operator had no choice but to send them home.

Mr Dobbs, 37, back in Romford last night, was puzzled by the deportation, claiming that the authorities overreacted. ‘We were treated like animals. As we were led out of the hotel, the other families cheered, with one woman calling me a disgrace and saying I should be ashamed to be British.’

The charter airline that flew the Dobbs family home revealed that the family also upset fellow passengers by failing to clap when the plane touched down.

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The countries of the former Soviet Union have agreed to reform for a special one-off evening of military posturing, human rights abuse and state-controlled oppression.

The fifteen countries stretching from Lithuania to Tajikistan, were persuaded to bury their differences and get back together to cash in on the current trend for 1970s nostalgia.

Ukraine, the country that first mooted the idea of the ‘Soviet Re-Union’ said last night: ‘We never thought it would really happen, but when we started talking to each other the old memories came flooding back and we realized we owed it to the fans.’ Belarus agreed, saying: “It’s great to be free, independent and democratic, but we can’t deny we had some good times together and it’ll be great to see the others after all this time and feel part of that huge terrifying Soviet power-bloc – even if it’s for just one night!’

All the members have been digging out their old furry hats and hammer and sickle badges and practicing their lines about glorious tractor production. Promoters were wary of backing the reunion until Russia finally came on board. Despite what Kirgizia claimed about the Soviet Union being a team of equals, as one fan said ‘the Soviet Union without Russia would have been like The Osmonds without Donny.’

Russia was finally persuaded to take part in the reunion after promises that it would be allowed to bully the smaller nations. The last country to agree to the plan was Tajikistan simply because no-one could find it.

However the planned reunion looked in danger last night when the reformed Soviet Union encountered a number of unforeseen copyright problems. ‘We’d been planning to do all the old favourites like ‘Destabilizing the Middle East’ or ‘Invading Afghanistan’. Trouble is, some bastard’s gone and nicked our act!’