‘I could sense that something was up immediately,’ said Jon, ‘and when I finished the call, someone explained that the Company had a New Year Greetings Policy in which the cut-off point is set at 12 days. Since I only joined them in August, I didn’t know this, but it didn’t seem to be a big deal.’

But things took a turn for the worse when Jon had a call from the 5th Floor. ‘You always get a slight feeling of dread when HR ask ‘if you could spare them a minute’,’ he reflected, ‘but to be told that my actions had contravened company regulations and I was facing disciplinary procedures was a total shock. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done wrong. All possibilities came to mind but I didn’t think that going over the free coffee allowance and consequently breaking the comfort break quota would lead to a suspension.’

In a statement for Taylor & Digby, HR Coordinator, Debbie Cooper said. ‘Whilst we are unable to comment on individual cases, our policy was introduced with a good deal of careful consideration to defuse the perennially contentious issue of how long into January it is reasonable to wish people a Happy New Year. Every employee is made aware of this upon joining the Company as it very clearly states in Section IV, Paragraph 15, 6(ix) of the Employment Conditions that New Year’s greetings are permissible only for the first twelve days of the year. This is just below our Whistleblowing Policy which bought the matter to our attention in the first place.’

Meanwhile Mr Knowles, facing a bleak New Year with the prospect of unemployment if the Company appeal procedure fails to reinstate him, is still wondering who got him into this dilemma. ‘I not certain who reported me,’ he said, ‘but I have suspicions that office smug, Jackie Goddard, may have had something to do with it. She nearly got me into trouble once when I showed her a photocopy I had done of my cock.’

StanLaurel – hat tip to beau-jolly

Following Diana’s fatal road accident, the streets of the North Korean capital became knee deep with flowers as the transfixed nation followed every moment of the coverage of the funeral beamed from Westminster Abbey via a spy satellite installed by the Central Military Commission of the Workers’ Party for just such a purpose.

‘In many ways, our Dear Leader had a lot in common with Dear Diana,’ commented a recently exiled commentator. ‘They both were experts at manipulating the media and both had a thing about land mines.’

Although the dissemination of news out of the country is tightly controlled, it is understood that Kim Jong-il is being buried on a heart shaped island located on the estate of his ancestral home.

‘All we are asking for is a fair draw for the presents,’ continued the shepherd. ‘It’s the same story every year. We’re minding our own business, and the sheep, when we are woken by a golden host of angels telling us to ‘fear not’ and promising us ‘glad tidings’ if we go and visit a baby.’

‘So we wrap up a lamb, struggle down the green hillside (which is quite far away, I can tell you) and make our way to the Inn. Then we stick our secret Santa present under the manger, which serves as a makeshift Christmas tree, and invariably, we end up leaving with nothing other than some cow crap on our Jesus sandals.’

The shepherds are not the only participants to complain. Three gentile men arrived fashionably late carrying their seasonal contributions and found themselves leaving with nothing several hours later, older and wiser for their experience. ‘Do you know how much myrrh costs per litre these days?’ said one. ‘As usual we got nothing in return; not even that rather badly wrapped package that seemed to be baaing. I don’t know how we let ourselves get taken in every year. Next time, I’m just going to send them a Christmas card.’

Exactly what happened to all the Secret Santa presents remains something of a mystery. As the shepherds and wiser men appear to have been overlooked in the secret draw, the finger of suspicion seems to point to the father of the baby, one Joseph. ‘After all,’ commented the third shepherd, ‘it would be some kind of miracle if the baby had nicked the gifts.’

Matt Chapman, a finance consultant, was a typical customer. Clutching a newly purchased 2013 business diary along with a full colour King Charles III and Queen Camilla celebration accession calendar, he said, ‘whichever ever way you look at it, 2012 is going to be pretty bleak for everyone so why not look ahead to 2013 when hopefully we’ll be witnessing the green shots of economic recovery rather than watching helpless politicians squabbling over the dying embers of the Euro or going through the agony of seeing a bunch of plucky under achieving British athletes failing gallantly at the Olympics?’

‘The other advantage to having a 2013 diary is that I can save all my holiday allowance from 2012, so I get double the holiday the following year,’ Mr Chapman continued brightly, before adding wistfully, ‘Of course, I’ve no idea how I can get this past the boss but the rumour is that we’re going to be taken over before the end of January so there is probably no need to worry on that score.’

Meanwhile WH Smiths is hedging its bets on a recovery by 2013. Their spokesman confirmed the High Street retailer was pushing ahead with plans for the publication of 2020 calendars and diaries in time for the rush next Christmas.

‘During the singing of ‘Frosty the Snowman’ we heard an appalling noise which we put down to Father O’Donnell, who couldn’t hold a tune to save his life,’ said Evelyn Dowd, leader of the Little Stars Nursery Group. ‘We now realise this was the blessed creature braying in agony.’

Merseyside Police believe that thieves may have stolen the donkey’s legs for the scrap value of its metal horseshoes. ‘The fact that the donkey was found jacked up on bricks suggests that this was the work of a gang of car criminals,’ said a spokesman, before adding reassuringly, ‘we are doing everything possible to recover and restore the stolen property to its rightful owner.’

Mrs Dowd reflected on the afternoon’s events. ‘It’s ironic really. At the very moment that we were preparing to sing ‘Little Donkey’, the poor thing had just become littler by about two feet.’

There were astonishing scenes last night as Ludwig Van Beethoven, arguably the most talented X-Factor contestant since Darius Danesh, was voted off the show after losing out in a controversial sing off between the mercurial maestro and bubbly blonde, Cyndi Cooper. After voting to save sexy Cyndi, judge Louis Walsh blasted Beethoven for his arrogant behaviour, telling him, ‘Look son, I’ve been in the business for some forty years and I know musical talent when I see it, and you quite simply, don’t have it.’

The sing off was farcical at times. After finishing in the bottom two, the long legged Cooper sang the Adele oldie ‘Rolling in the Deep’. However Beethoven refused point blank to perform ‘Dancing Queen’, the number selected for him, insisting instead upon conducting a hastily assembled mass choir in a rendition of his self-composed piece ‘Ode to Joy’. After triumphantly putting down his baton, the German genius turned and glared defiantly at the panel of judges.

Singer Kelly Rowland was first to break the stunned silence. ‘I don’t get it. You come on this show here and spin some sympathy story about going deaf, and then claim to have written a well-known piece of music that is always on the telly, in adverts and stuff. I’m sorry but I think you’re a fraud.’

The temperamental Teutonic’s mentor, Take That’s Gary Barlow was forced to agree with his fellow panellists: ‘You plagiarise other people’s music, don’t sing the songs selected for you, then insist upon getting other singers to come in and perform ‘arias’, whatever those are,’ he said adding, ‘You don’t even play an instrument. You’ve been carrying that ear trumpet ever since you came on the show and we’ve yet to hear you play a single note on it.’

In an interview immediately after the programme, Beethoven admitted he was gutted not to have progressed further but wished everyone well. He then announced that he was going to hit the town with fellow contestants Jermaine Brahms and Courtney Liszt.

‘Clinical trials have shown that continual ingestion of health scare stories can lead to ill health,’ Dr Maggie Penfold told the Daily Mail yesterday. ‘We are recommending that the government sets guidelines for the safe level of health warnings that a person can safely consume as part of a balanced media diet.’

In tests, previously fit and healthy people were exposed to a series of medical stories ranging from the routine ‘Red wine is good/bad for you’ to the extreme ‘Going to the toilet in Yorkshire causes cancer’. After a twenty day period scientists found that the cumulative effect of exposure to health hysteria caused extreme stress and in some cases physical pain, although they have not ruled out the rather hard chairs in the medical centre as being a contributing factor.

The test results cause a fresh dilemma for Heath Secretary Andrew Lansley who will be forced to decide if he should suppress news of any future ‘flu epidemic in the interests of the nation’s health.

Government officials at Whitehall are known to have already commissioned a study to look in to the possibility of a vaccine against the ravages of excessive health alerts, but, whilst trying to appear upbeat, scientists have gently warned that an effective vaccine may be some way off.

‘The problem with developing a vaccine,’ commented top researcher, Dr Chris Barkway, ‘is that we are unable to test its effectiveness on animals as they cannot understand the health warning. OK, there are more intelligent creatures than laboratory rats to experiment on, dogs for instance, but generally they are better comprehending single words like ‘walkies’ or ‘bath’ rather than phrases such as ‘impending World Health Organisation level six bird flu pandemic.’

Meantime, Mr Lansley has been advised not to read the contents of his ministerial red box more than once a week ‘in the interests of health & safety’.

Although the duet with Bowie was originally recorded in the sixties, the record didn’t chart until 1974 when it was re-released at the height of Bowie’s fame.

DJ Paul Gambaccini, Gnorman’s biographer, recalled how Gnorman was respected by his fellow musicians for his wisdom and deep powers of contemplation. ‘Once, after being asked the question ‘Gnorm, do you want a little more bass on that?’ he sat impassively for six days before answering with a look of total indifference. That put the sound engineer in his place’, laughed Gambaccini. ‘It was so typical of his unique character. When they made him, they sure threw away the mould.’

After leaving the music industry, Gnorman took up a position in the Garden Centre business and upon his retirement liked nothing better than to while away the hours by the river with his trusty rod in hand, just as he had done as a young gnome all those years ago.