‘Anyone skilled in hand-to-hand combat is duty bound to point out all the pressure points on a new acquaintance and list the way you could damage him,’ said a spokesman.

Kevin Webb failed allegedly to rough up a new work colleague who uttered the phrase ‘Oh really?’ when Webb mentioned his Karate hobby.

To make matters worse, Webb infuriated the panel at his hearing by claiming that karate made him feel confident. To a stunned silence, he reasoned that being confident meant he didn’t feel the need to assert himself aggressively on others.

‘I don’t think he even understands what being a martial arts arsehole is about,’ said a spokesman. ‘Webb is the first martial arts arsehole to ever claim that his knowledge of karate is enough to make him feel good in social situations and that he doesn’t need to demonstrate his ability to beat up an office worker, should things kick off in the pub.’

In scenes evoking the blitz spirit, southerners battled through pavements and roads covered in up to a centimetre of suffocating slush, as for several seconds snow was seen to linger on the top of cars, CCTV cameras and hedges, before mercifully melting.

London Mayor Boris Johnson visited scenes of carnage, offering comfort words and choice Latin phrases in a tireless effort to placate the crowds.

Cheryl Cole quoted the wise words of Princess Diana, as she watched the horrifying scenes from her hotel window. ‘I see a lot of pain in people’s eyes – but I also see hope,’ she said.

Meanwhile, reports are coming in that in the Midlands, the North, Wales and Scotland, the weather has been even more – sorry, there’s no more time or space for those reports.

‘Those who said we wouldn’t get anywhere with our pandering and warmongering aren’t looking so clever now, are they?’ said former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. ‘Sure, he gets a few details wrong and adopts a slightly patronising tone, but Bush also says some genuinely nice things about us. Most importantly, though, he seems to know we exist. I honestly think we’ve finally arrived.’

The news has electrified the country. Britain immediately updated its Facebook status to read ‘Yay! Got a mench in Dubya’s book. LOL! OMG I’m sooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ It is now phoning up all its friends, casually asking how they are before subtly introducing the subject of Bush’s new book into the conversation.

But while Australia, Canada and New Zealand seem genuinely pleased for Britain, France, as ever, has tried to rain on its parade. ‘They kept changing the subject and feigning that annoying Gallic nonchalance,’ said a Downing Street spokesman today. ‘When they were actually listening, they kept asking silly questions like ‘Wasn’t zat an illegal war?’. They’re just bitter. Still, they’d obviously read George Bush’s book because they pointed out that he’d spelled Britain’s name wrong.’

And with the UK now firmly on the map, Brits are keeping their fingers crossed that this is the break their country’s been waiting for. ‘They’re making a TV documentary about the Iraq wars,’ continued Blair, ‘and Britain might be in it! No promises, mind. They may have to get Texas to play the part of Britain because it’s a bigger box office pull, but you never know. But if we do get the gig, word is that we’d be a shoo-in for the best supporting actor gong at next year’s awards ceremony at The Hague.’

StoopydeGunt (with hat-tips to ronseal and De-scribe)

However critics have pointed out that America didn’t actually fight alongside the IRA, but merely supplied funding, ammunition, moral and legal support and offered a safe haven to provos during the terror campaign.

Adams’ gaffe has horrified historians. ‘The Americans weren’t actually fighting alongside us,’ said Kevin Flynn, chief of the Association of Historical Mural Painters, ‘I think wee Gerry’s been watching too many Mickey Rourke movies.’

Though Hollywood Studios offered enormous moral support to the IRA during the early stages of what’s become known as ‘the war on terror’, Flynn maintains that its brigade of crack troops – which includes fighting men such as Brad Pitt and Sylvester Stallone – now seems to have switched sides. ‘American didn’t really join the war on terror until it was attacked on September 11 2001. But by that stage they seem to have decided that terrorists aren’t all that glamorous after all.’

Allegedly seeking to flatter his American hosts, Adam’s comments and his elevation of America’s status in the world war on terror has upset people at home. However there is one consolation according to Flynn: ‘Yes, it’s bad saying the Americans stood shoulder to shoulder with us, when they weren’t actually there, but at least he correctly describes the Irish paramilitaries as the junior partner.’

“The boom in the pumpkin sector, extrapolated across the entire spectrum of British industry, and projected over the next 12 months, suggests that Britain has never had it so good,” said Osborne, “I’m not going too fast for you am I?”

Osborne dismissed critics who claimed that pumpkin sales are not truly representative of the entire spectrum of goods and services that make up the British economy. “They’ll always find something to complain about, these BBC lefties. You’d get more balanced coverage from Man United TV. We just don’t like winners in this country do we?”

In an official statement, a spokesman for BetFair said nobody had seen this coming. ‘Who would have thought a maiden speech would get a standing ovation, at an emotionally charged standing ovation festival, I mean conference,’ he said. ‘Maybe when they took all the chairs out of the conference centre, and we found out that the front twelve rows of the conference were given over to a lobby group known as Haemerhoid Sufferers Against The Cuts we should have shortened the odds though’ he added.

Heads are now expected to roll at the bookmakers as it has also been revealed that a tip off that the new Labour leader might mention World War 2, the NHS and Tory cuts was not acted upon. ‘We even knew he was going to use of the phrase ‘when my parents came to this country’ he admitted. ‘That would even get elderly Tories out of their seats.’

The al-Qaida supremo’s popularity is thought to have been boosted by British GCSE and A-Level students, who for years have struggled to understand why someone who ‘might have captained the German football team’ or ‘maybe invented BMWs’ is considered to be so evil.

However, the news has sparked furious debate on chat rooms around the world, with many people angry that the fascist dictator’s name may no longer be the ultimate way to ‘win’ a virtual argument. ‘It’s a disgrace,’ said one keen chat-roomer. ‘These people are just jumped up little Blairs’.

Britain’s police force has admitted it is powerless to stop the Provisional RSPCA and in some cases even aids the terror group as it hauls ‘suspects’ in for extraordinary renditions. ‘For every one drowned squirrel, expect us to ruin ten lives,’ said a spokes-rodent.

Tension between Britain’s two communities – the Reds and the Greys – has been simmering for years. With backing from the Provisional RSPCA, the greys increasingly see themselves as untouchable. ‘We’ve got the red squirrels licked,’ its website boasts.