‘It can be quite tricky to spot a real donkey from a fake sometimes’ said a spokesman, ‘especially when 500 of them turn up at your gates holding signs in their mouths reading “my master no feed me any more. Plees help”. Our policy is to help first, ask questions later – although with hindsight the fact that some of the animals could actually answer our questions was a bit of a giveaway.’

The fakers, most of whom came from Athens, were thought to have been drawn to the Santuary by its multi-million pound endowment, its offer of free food and lodging for life for abused animals, its beautiful Devon location and its excellent on-site medical facilities. ‘OK so we had to walk around a field on all fours being stared at by visitors, and the food was a bit ‘oaty’, said one of the asinine impersonators, ‘but in stable number 6 we had a radio, tv, everything’ In Piraeus my bank had just repossessed the stereo – what did I have to lose?’

One of the donkeys underwent a major heart operation during his stay, and the surgeons were shocked when the first incision in his skin revealed a subcutaneous layer described as ‘patterned bri-nylon’. They were even more surprised by the anatomical irregularities described as ‘two hearts, and some extra limbs kicking around in there’ but decided to submit their findings to the prestigious journal ‘Nature’, rather than query the judgement of their superiors as to the species of creature laying on the slab before them. The fraud only came to light when a visitor provided photographic evidence of ‘Hercules the blind donkey’ smoking a joint whilst talking on a mobile phone’ in the far corner of Field 8.

Despite the fraud a government spokesman confirmed there were no plans to introduce new regulatory oversight, but suggested the sanctuary reduce the benefits it gives its charges. ‘Whenever you have a system of donkey welfare it fosters a culture of donkey welfare dependency – we’ve seen that again and again’ he said. ‘Make them work for their keep – haul coal trucks, give rides on the beach – that should deter future freeloaders, be they man or beast’.

A spokesman for Battersea Dog’s Home was more sympathetic: ‘I can understand with an animal that size how you might get caught out, but it’s never happened to us. Well, except for that time when a particularly smooth puppy we reared for four years turned out to be someone’s unwanted child. Honestly, some people just suck the milk of human kindness out of you’.

New Suburban Dad

‘The people running this one have done brilliantly,’ said Christopher James of Kingham, Oxfordshire. ‘It’s a great central location, near Starbucks and Pizza Express, and there’s plenty of opportunities for a few sherbets in the evening. But all the organisers are hippies and unemployed, so they had some time on their hands, and that got me thinking – what if you wanted to start a protest but couldn’t fit the destruction of the entire bourgeois rentier system into your busy working schedule? You’d need an events manager – just like if you were planning to get married.’

ProtestEx offers to handle all aspects of creating a protest, from catering to communication to accommodation. ‘We can even sell you colour co-ordinated tents that spell out your aims when viewed from a BBC helicopter – I’ve got a source in Shanghai,’ said Mr James. ‘But I’m also looking to branch out into other causes. Fox hunting, anti-nuclear, anti-Murdoch – you name it, we’ll help you hate it. Obviously we can’t promise your protest will succeed, but we can guarantee you unlimited skinny macchiatos during the attempt. If things go well I’m hoping for a stock market flotation in 2015.’

‘What we want is to make sure your big day goes off without a hitch,’ he continued. ‘You can’t have just anyone turning up, so we’ve negotiated favourable security rates with G4. Can you imagine if gypos showed up on your campsite with their dogs, unruly children and big fat brides? Nightmare! The last thing you want when demonstrating to save the world is a bunch of selfish people only worried about their own needs. We’ll stop them for you – for a fee.’

‘We deeply regret the huge loss of face – sorry, life – and will not rest until we find out who knew what was going on and gave the order to fire,’ said Lord Vader. ‘We now accept that the culprits were not two rogue stormtroopers who were larking about with a hackysack on their lunchbreak and knocked a cup of coffee all over the control panel triggering the accidental emission of a devastatingly powerful laser beam that just happened to be pointing towards the planet. We think their supervisor, a woman named Red Leader, might have been involved as well. Either way, it seems there were some bad apples working for the Dark Side.’

Internal investigations were hampered by the unexpected demise of anyone claiming to know who was ultimately responsible. ‘Yes, it’s unfortunate that everyone present on the command deck that day has been found dead of natural causes, clutching their necks with a look of terror and despair in their eyes,’ continued Lord Vader. ‘A faulty life support system appears to have caused an outbreak of legionnaires disease – those are classic symptoms.’

Intergalactic police are centring their enquiries around a shuttle craft seen leaving the Death Star two minutes after the peace-loving world was blown up. Identikit pictures of the driver and passenger look somewhat like ‘a tall man with a shiny black hat, and a shorter, craggy-faced older man wearing a cape’.

‘What was I doing that day?’ said Vader. ‘I can’t remember exactly – I think I may have been on holiday at the time. Or washing my hair. There’s certainly no way I could have known what some of the troops were getting up to. In fact the first I heard of it was when someone hacked the Death Star’s answer machine and I read about in the News of the Universe last Sunday.’

‘We wanted to do something with a personal touch,’ said Rebekah Brooks, CEO of News International, ‘and nothing says sorry like a smashed window and a man dressed all in black fleeing from your property. But maybe with hindsight we should have left the card and gift on the door step. Anyway, we didn’t exactly break in – we still had a copy of their key from the original police investigation.’

“Patients want choice, and also a second opinion’ said Mr Lansley. ‘This gives them both, provided that they accept our definition of ‘private consultation’ to include the viewing audience of ITV2.’

Under new guidelines each commissioning team will have at least one GP who takes pity on every patient, ‘especially if they’ve come on a long journey to get to the surgery’, one who buzzes all but the most obviously sick, and one who vacillates between the other two.

A trial in Hull saw profits from selling TV rights  ploughed straight back into front line services, with the complete overhaul of at least two vending machines in A & E funded within days. Once each NHS trust has a studio surgery, stage two will see the National Centre for Clinical Excellence scrapped in favour of a premium rate phone line giving the public the chance to vote for who gets the most expensive treatments. ‘We’re really proud of that one’ continued Mr Lansley. ‘Self funding care provision based on democratic choice! In your face, Miliband.’

One early trialist of the new approach seemed impressed. ‘The docs listened to my symptoms, then kept asking if anyone else in my family had more interesting illnesses’ he said. ‘Luckily for me my nan had just died and I started crying – I got signed off work for two weeks, and a tissue from the cameraman. I bloody love the NHS.’

‘If only we could find the girl and get her on a platform’ the spokesman continued. ‘She’d be an asset to our movement. It would be the biggest coup since we persuaded Ian Paisley to join us and say NO for the first time in his political career’.

The kebab shop is offering cash incentives for anyone willing to go further. ‘The phone number is just the basic sponsorship package’ said Mr Guleken. ‘I’m offering a tenner for our logo, fifteen for the full picture menu and twenty if the boys out back can get a look. And as an advertising strategy, there is a natural synergy between the vajazzle and the kebab. Both look better from a distance and never taste as good as you hoped.’

Local teenagers appeared enthusiastic about the idea. ‘It’s great,’ said one girl, who is already in talks with Nandos. ‘I couldn’t afford to get jewelled up any other way. And the pizza place and the chippie are starting the same deal next week. No-one said anything about exclusivity and there’s nothing wrong with healthy competition – I like to think that one day I could be the vaginal equivalent of Zagat.’

Businesses have reported mixed success with vajazzertising, with Allied Carpets noting a significant boost, but John West suffering a marked decline in sales. But some young women have found that the promise of a lucrative vajazzle deal can fall far short of the sad reality.

‘When I landed a commission deal with a major high street brand, I thought I’d be minted,’ reported one disappointed pubic billboard. ‘But I haven’t made a bean. I don’t understand it – I get the punters in, but once they get in my knickers and read the ad, I never hear from them again. I’d urge any woman to think twice before pawning her pudenda. And that’s sure as hell the last time I do a deal with Rentokill.’

A pilot study in Liverpool suggested the policy could help to improve social mobility. In November last year the run-down city district of Kensington changed its postcode from L7 to SW1, and witnessed a small yet significant increase in the number of residents classing themselves as ‘Russian oligarchs’ or ‘trustafarians’. ‘The pad is like, yah, a bit further to Harvey Nicks than I thought,’ said new resident Poppy Lee from her two-up-two-down terraced pied-a-terre next to Costcutter, ‘but then I always go by helicopter anyway.’

However critics pointed out that if other regions followed Liverpool’s lead and reused fashionable postcodes to boost the image of deprived areas, the postal service could descend into chaos.

‘The Royal Mail will just have to cope’ said Mr Cameron. ‘The fact that the entire populate of Burnley wants to live in Wimbledon SW19 7AA is no excuse for poor delivery, and if these enemies of choice mess up, we’ll fine them and pay Haliburton to distribute the post on mopeds instead.

‘Of course there will be teething problems,’ he continued, ‘but we believe passionately that people should have the freedom to choose where they think they should live, even though they could never afford to live there.’

In time the government hopes to extend the model from communities to individual households, giving every home in the country their own personalised postcode. ‘Why not?’ said a postman. ’I’d love to deliver to 10 Downing Street, CO CK5.’