After the decision to wear black shirts for away matches caused consternation in New Zealand, and upset All Blacks fans, the latest decision is bound to prove controversial. England’s take on the Haka though is somewhat different. Instead of a representing a challenge to the enemy, the English version will celebrate debauchery and drunkenness. England’s team manager, Martin Johnson, explained that he had got nowhere by fretting endlessly about the ill-discipline in the team, so had decided it would be joyfully celebrated. ‘We envisage the lads lining up and pretending to throw back lagers: said Johnson, ‘maybe a few moonies in the middle and and some fake vomiting’.

There are even plans for one of the team to shout the lyrics of the traditional drinking song instead of the famous words of the Haka. ‘We are thinking of replacing ‘Ka mate Ka mate, Ka ora! Ka ora!’ with ‘I know a bear that you all know, Yogi!, Yogi!’ ‘, said Mike Tindall.

Tindall will also be the centre of other English Haka moves. English players will kiss his bald pate, as a fun memory of his boozy night out in Queenstown, along with mimicking his head being cut off by an angry Queen of England.

Johnson admitted that preparing the new English Haka was proving a distraction from training for the game, but that getting the dance right was important for morale: ‘The lads were rightly pumped when they nailed the dazzling dwarf-throwing sequence this morning’.

The French team are rumored to be perfecting their own response – a collective Gallic shrug accompanied by narrow points defeat.

Gary told the judge that all had been fine with his relationship, but that her behaviour on Saturday 9th November in the local branch of Topshop had been inexcusable. Daniela had persuaded Gary to enter the shop with her as she searched for an outfit for a party. He had reluctantly agreed, but found that she had quickly disappeared into the changing rooms with four items of clothing, asking him to hold something while she tried on the clothes. There were gasps in the courtroom as Gary revealed the object that he found himself holding was a small black clutch bag. The true magnitude of his situation hit him, as he stood awkwardly by the women’s changing room, in full view of other shoppers in the busy store.

Ten long minutes passed as he hopped from foot to foot, unsuccessfully trying to hide the small leather accessory. Pulling his mobile from his pocket, he desperately tried to look inconspicuous by focusing his attention on the football scores. His effort was in vain – another man in the shop had noticed his plight. He approached Gary slowly and his words echoed loudly around the shop: ‘Nice bag mate, you’ll have to see if they have some shoes to match’.

Gary panicked and fled from the shop, only to realize that he was now walking briskly through a packed shopping centre carrying a handbag. Gary says that he usually waits by the door while his wife shops for clothes, or more accurately, waits outside the shop next door. On this occasion he had a momentary lapse of judgment. Daniela did not contest the divorce, but told the courtroom she does want the bag returned ‘along with my knickers, once he’s finished with them’.

Susan Bradshaw, 23, was today hailed as a modern day hero by Women’s Rights groups around the world. After entering the ‘Dog and Duck’ in Barking, East London, she sat quietly at the bar and proceeded to peel and eat a banana. Susan managed to eat the fruit and leave the bar without blushing, or trying to hide behind a magazine.

Susan explained ‘It’s ridiculous really, if it had been an apple, no-one would care. I happen to be keen on bananas, and I’m fed up with only being able to eat them in private.’

The entirely male clientele were stunned. Baz, 19, was in the pub at the time: ‘I didn’t know where to look to be honest; none of the lads could believe it – She just walked in, pulled it from her bag and put her lips around it. We couldn’t concentrate on the game after that.’ Baz explained that it wasn’t until Susan had left the pub that everyone began talking about it. ‘My mate Steve said he’d bring a cucumber and a couple of plums next time, and Dave said he’d try and get his hands on a nice pear. Baz struggled to think of any more fruit based innuendos at the time, but said had told his mates anyway that ‘she seemed right up for it.’

Susan says that that it’s only through this sort of action that you manage to break down unacceptable sexual stereo-types. Her success with the banana has given her new ideas: ‘I’m intending to buy a couple of watermelons in the local grocers as my next stunt. I’ll be watching the grocer’s reaction very carefully when I ask him if he’d mind checking whether my melons are ripe.’ Susan says that after that, she plans to purchase two large brass door knockers at B&Q; she says she’ll test the staff by asking for her new knockers to be polished before going on to say that she needs a new knob.’

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Japanese computer games giant Nintendo has developed a new game purely for the British market which enables players to experience a virtual reality pub brawl in the comfort of their own homes. Building on the success of Wii fit, designed to help players stay in shape, Wii Pub Fight leaves its players bloodied and bruised and usually banned from going into that virtual pub ever again.

Players as young as four can now experience an entire night out in a British inner city boozer, while their sisters stand on the sidelines sobbing ‘Leave it Kevin, it’s not worth it.’ By pointing the controller at the bar, player starts by ordering drinks, bar snacks and even a yellowing pickled egg. Consuming more and more alcoholic drinks unlocks higher levels of the game which rates a players drinking ability from ‘hard as nails’ to ‘soft as shite’.

As the game progresses, players face new challenges such as using the Wii beer goggles to locate up a partner for the evening. However at this point, a player is likely to receive a challenge from a possible opponent on the basis that ’you looked at my bird’ and possibly even ‘spilled my pint’ and the player must then hold his own in a mass pub brawl. The Nunchuck and Wii remotes can take on a variety of fighting tasks, such as grabbing pub stools and glasses so that players can smash them repeatedly over the head of opposing players. The action may move out into the car park where stacked up crates full of empty cider bottles provide new ways of causing grievous bodily harm. The most successful player is awarded a Wii Asbo.

Ironically the game has proved so popular that a number of inner city pubs are installing Wii Pub Fight to attract new customers. ‘We hoped it might channel the energy away from the real thing’ said Mike Thomsett, landlord of the Market Tavern in Middlesborough. ‘Except last night, this fellah said he put his money down before this other bloke, and then it then it all kicked off, didn’t it?’

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As the 747 carrying 550 passengers hurtled towards the sea, Phil remembered what he had read. ‘As we hit the sea at 600 miles an hour, the other passengers had no idea’ said Phil ‘their heads and bodies were being smashed to pieces, but I was quite calm. I removed my shoes, took a couple of breaths from the oxygen mask and then made my way to the nearest exit. The scene around me was quite horrific; the man who was sitting next to me seemed to have exploded into a bloody mess; I do distinctly recall though that he hadn’t listened to the stewardess at all during the safety demonstration.’

Mr Sutcliffe was rescued by a passing boat who heard him blowing on his whistle as he floated calmly in his life jacket. ‘I knew it was under my seat, because as I say, I listened. I imagine the 549 other people on the plane wished they’d done the same the moment before they died so horrifically.’

Frank Lampard stretched a muscle playing Wii and now looks doubtful for the long-awaited Sunday lunch round at John Terry’s house. ‘Frank’s really gutted’ said his agent, ‘This was the big one he’d been looking forward to all season, and then he picks up an injury playing Wii golf.’

Meanwhile England striker Wayne Rooney faced possible disappointment over Saturday’s key Summer fete opening after he injured himself tripping over a sandcastle. ‘We are urging him to rest the ankle this weekend’ explained the England physio, ‘so that he is available for selection for Wednesday night’s big trip to the cinema.’

There is better news on Joe Cole who has recovered from getting sun tan lotion in his eyes, and he has reported fit for the swimming pool and PS3 double header at Michael Carrick’s house.

England’s physio complained that the leisure fixture congestion at this time of year made injury all too likely. ‘I asked the team why they can’t just spend a few nights in and see what’s on the telly? And they just went all quiet and sort of depressed.’

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