Marine biologists completing a six year study into the ideal conditions for whale birthing have discovered that the most positive response from whales in labour came from those listening to CDs of human beings shouting at one another. ‘It should have occurred to us earlier’ said Professor Damien Fielden. ‘We’d tried the sound of gently lapping waves, birdsong and Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony and none of it was helping the mother whale in the slightest.’

It was then that one of the researchers accidentally left on the underwater audio equipment while an argument developed on the project’s floating laboratory. ‘We’d all been cooped up on this boat for so long and suddenly it all poured out – how much we all hated one another, how ‘Miser’ Mike had bad breath and Dave was a smug academic snob and we didn’t realize that the microphone was still live and that the whales were hearing every word of it.’

But birthing whales began swimming from miles around to listen to the sounds of human shrieking, and further studies revealed that angry shouting actively helped the whales achieve a calm inner peace that they seek when bringing a baby whale into the world.

The scientists then sent out a team to record the most heated human arguments that they could find – a man trying to pay his gas bill over the telephone, the queue for the returns desk at IKEA, Alex Ferguson talking to the fourth official, the Northern Ireland assembly, and a Democratic Feminist debating abortion with a Republican creationist.

‘All that anger and swearing seemed to really help the whales. It makes up for all those years of failed experiments with ‘land births.’ Finally we had created the perfect birthing environment for these gentle and sensitive creatures. One intelligent mammal helping another; it was a beautiful and spiritual moment,’ said Marie-Anne Coulson. ‘It was a shame that the Japanese ‘research scientists’ then came along and harpooned them all but you can’t have everything.’

Team Biscuit

For months Mr Ferguson believed that he was about to embark on a passionate affair with the attractive 23 year old from the accounts department, but has now been informed that she has never had any interest in him whatsoever. ‘No the air of sexual tension was incredible’ said Peter. ‘We both knew we couldn’t make eye contact when I was in the room, because neither of us would be able to control ourselves. So she deliberately didn’t even look up when she knew I was near her desk.’

Peter recalls that for months the love affair built up using an elaborate code, in which the married father-of three flirted with Shirley by emailing her apparently dry sounding accounts queries, and she would tease him by waiting a tantalising day or so, until finally giving him an apparently straight answer. ‘An outside would never have been able to have been able to spot what was going on’ mused Peter. ‘But when she used words like ‘Spreadsheet’ and ‘deposit’, I knew what she was getting at. And as for that time in the office kitchen. ‘Can I have some of your milk?’ is about the most sexually-loaded comment I ever heard!’

During a work gathering to celebrate the firm’s 50th anniversary, Peter finally made a fumbling, drunken lunge to kiss Shirley, who firmly but politely informed him that his actions were unwelcome. Shirley was shocked to hear that Peter had been so infatuated with her; ‘Sexual tension? No it was more like an uncomfortable silence. He would come in to the office and ask me some pointless question and wait whilst I looked it up on the computer. I knew he was staring at my breasts all the time, but I just wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible, he’s a creep; all the girls think so. When he tried to kiss me, I was nearly sick.’

Following the incident, Mr Ferguson was moved to another branch of the company thirty miles away. ‘I still think Shirley and I will get it together’ said Paul. ‘You don’t know Shirley’s sense of humour. When she says ‘Get lost sad man’ it’s her way of flirting. The little vixen just included me in a round robin about the company’s new invoicing system. Talk about a come on…’

'Mirror, signal, and watch me go'

A lorry driver from the West Midlands was celebrating today after finally succeeding in overtaking another lorry.  Tom Shepheard, 47, began the manoeuvre shortly after his 30th birthday while travelling 0.02mph faster than the vehicle ahead.  The two lorries are believed to have completed a total of 3,928 laps of the M25 and seriously inconvenienced over half a million road users before the second driver died of old age.

After reaching his destination and receiving cheery waves and hand gestures from the 293 cars behind him, Mr Shepheard told reporters that he had ‘never stopped believing’, thanked God and his long-suffering wife, and delivered his cargo of shell suits, Marathon bars and Amstrad computers to a confused-looking warehouse worker in Basingstoke.

Mr Jarman has lived in his property. a terraced new build on the Orchard Estate, for two years. His previous neighbours Doris and Albert were an elderly couple who moved into sheltered accommodation six months ago, and a younger, professional couple moved in. ‘I thought it would be great to have some people more my own age living next door’ said Mr Jarman, ‘and they seemed really nice. They invited me over for a glass of wine that first day and I remember thinking how lucky I was not to have ended up with nutters or neighbours from hell’. By the next morning though, Mr Jarman was a lot more familiar with the ‘nice couple next door’.

‘It was a bit embarrassing but I had a laugh about it at work’ he recalls. ‘I mean, it was their first night in a new house and I figured they were celebrating. Loudly. And repeatedly. And rather athletically to be honest!’

Over the next few days Mr Jarman kept telling himself it was just the novelty of the new place and it would soon wear off, but if anything it got worse. ‘To be honest I haven’t slept properly since they moved in, and even my friends are fed up with the racket . Like I say, we used to laugh, but it’s beyond a joke now.’

It isn’t just the noise which is bothering Mr Jarman, but the related psychological effects. ‘I’m a normal bloke’ he said ‘I like a bit of porn – normal healthy stuff you know, nothing weird, and I’m not going to lie and say it hasn’t turned me on. In the early days I even looked forward to them getting started. But it’s got to the point where I’m scared to invite a girl back to mine in case of comparisons. How does he keep going for hours on end every bloody night? It’s enough to make me want Doris and Albert back. At least if I wanted to hear them at it I had to put a glass on the wall.’

Political analysts were still reeling last night following the disclosure by sources within the Kremlin that Russia had only ‘buckled under pressure’ when reviewing group membership statistics on the social networking website Facebook.

‘We could cope with the threat of military action from NATO or pressure from the EU or the United Nations’ said a Russian official, ‘but when you’re confronted by 726 new members in just one day joining the group ‘Get Russian Troops Out Of Georgia NOW, PLEASE!!!’ then even glorious Mother Russia understands it’s time to sit down and listen.’

Russian military chiefs panicked when confronted by the concerns of ordinary internet users from around the world including ‘An Open Letter To Moscow’ signed by nearly two dozen History of Art students at Oxford Brookes. ‘Between them, the internet group members seemed to have a pretty good grasp of the situation in Georgia,’ said a senior Kremlin spokesman. ‘They knew it was somewhere East of where they lived and understood that Russia was much, much bigger than the former Soviet Republic. Their arguments in favour of a withdrawal were powerful and convincing. And when one of them commented ‘stupid rusian jerks!!!! get the hell outta georgeia!!!’ We knew we had little choice.’

However some Western observers believe that Kremlin claims to have listened to Facebook members is part of an elaborate smokescreen designed to impress Western Governments. ‘They were going to pull out anyway. The Russians just said all that stuff about the internet to make us think they actually had working computers.’