‘Mrs Duffy was parachuted in behind enemy lines a few days ago to prepare for the ambush,’ said Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘The operation was nearly abandoned when the driver of the 8.25 bus to Tripoli refused to accept Mrs Duffy’s freedom pass, but eventually she found her target and after pressing the Libyan leader on his political record, he agreed to stand down.’

Having successfully rid the world of a cruel dictator, Mrs Duffy spent the afternoon at the bazaar where she was heard to remark that ‘it’s like being back in Rochdale with the amount of Muslims round here’.

‘Not only did they get me home on time,’ said Tracy Cox from Canvey Island, ‘but, as part of the deal, they also got me a job as a nanny.’

‘Being strapped to the undercarriage of a coach wasn’t as bad as I had imagined,’ said 83 year old Margaret Meadows, speaking from her new workplace at the ‘Oriental Flower’ massage parlour in Wolverhampton, ‘the traffickers were so nice and I have had a wonderful journey, travelling through many countries that I never expected to visit.’

Chartered Accountant, David Marshall, summed it all up by saying: ‘I got window seats, warm meals and all my luggage arrived on time at the same destination. Even the twelve bags of heroin I had shoved up my bottom was handled with sensitivity and care. British Airways has a lot to learn.’

Activists against cruelty to the semi-famous said they were particularly glad to see Hollins released after he had been kept shackled to his professional trainer Ola Jordan for months by a public grimly fascinated by the sports presenter’s dancing on the apparent basis ‘not so much that he could do it well, but that he could do it at all’.

However freeing these poor souls is only the start, warned a campaign spokeswoman, ‘Many of them don’t want to leave our recovery centres as they don’t have a TV studio to go to, and while we have a policy of never putting a healthy celebrity down, you can only do so much. And Poor Timmy Mallet still had so much to give the world…’

In a case of ‘three strikes and you’re out’, the Taliban have also been criticised for their vocal protests against the ‘un-Islamic’ organ music during the quarter finals against the Colorado Rockies, and their wholesale execution of the St. Louis Cardinals for refusing to grow beards.  ‘Such aggressive behaviour will not be tolerated,’ said a National League spokesman.  ‘We suggest they go back to wherever the hell it is they came from. Either that or take up ice hockey.’

At this point many of the assembled journalists and technology correspondants squinted and then suddenly gasped in admiration at the beauty and design of the new Apple product, agreeing that it was definitely worth the $2,999 price tag. ‘Anyone with any taste or appreciation of computer design can see that this is the best product on the market’.

When one reporter asked what exactly the iNvisible iBook could do, Jobs simply replied ‘See for yourself!’ and the reporters gasped at the many varied functions of the machine and the speed with which it accomplished them. The only blip in the presentation was a slight disturbance at the back of the hall when a small boy shouted out ‘There’s nothing in his hand!’ but he was quickly removed by security.

In a later statement Jobs explained that the boy had been a long way back and had poor vision, hence his inability to see the new iNvisible iBook. For his second media appearance of the day, Jobs was wearing Apple’s new super-cool range of clothing to go with the iNvisible iBook.

Cut price airline Ryanair is introducing charges for customers who travel with too much emotional baggage. The announcement was made in an attempt to avoid delays caused by family arguments at check-in and boarding. Henceforth Ryanair will have a strict rule of ‘one simple divorce case per passenger’.

One regular flyer turned up at Stansted yesterday with her grown-up son from her first marriage who was still not talking to her second husband. ‘The check-in lady asked me a series of questions about the divorce and all the suppressed anger and guilt felt by the kids, and I had to pay an extra £39.99 plus VAT,’ said Sarah Johnstone. ‘I complained that this sort of money-grabbing reminded me of my absent Dad who just took, took, took but left me nothing in his will – and they added another £29.99.’

The new charge is part of a raft of revised charges from the no-frills airline, including extra payments for seats for those who opt not to stand for the duration of their flight. There has been criticism of the airline for their decision to charge for oxygen in the event of emergency. ‘The oxygen masks will still drop down from the overhead lockers as required by law,’ explained Michael O’Leary, ‘but now the supply of oxygen is activated by a simple slot-meter that takes Euros and pound coins.’

Nervous passengers can also rent the life jacket under their seats and buy a scratch-card to win a place in the life-raft. ‘But we are doing away with the traditional in-flight scratch-and-win cards,’ reported a Ryanair insider. ‘What with all these savings and the new all-day scampi wrap, flying with us is quite enough of a lottery already.’

Detective Roy Aldridge said ‘We couldn’t do anything whilst he held an invisible pretend knife to the hostage’s throat. He looked like he was on edge you could see it in his eyes and we didn’t want to provoke the suspect into doing something he’d regret later.’

The events that sparked the stand off began when security staff tried to apprehend Mr Dickinson on suspicion of stealing items of clothing from a Top Shop store. The shop’s manager said ‘we caught him on CCTV pretending to put items of the Emperor’s Clothes range into an invisible bag. It’s plain as day for all to see what he was miming.’

Meadowhall Shopping Centre security then approached Mr Dickinson while he was performing the ‘dark art of silent acting’ to a group of bored teenage ‘mall rats’ and he tried to escape on a pretend horse. The chase didn’t last long according to eye-witnesses when he got trapped down an invisible and very windy alley. With no way of escape he tried using his hands to find a way out.

Later at Sheffield Magistrates court, Mr Dickinson was placed on remand charged with contempt of court having tried to mime his name, age, address and a plea of not guilty. As we was taken below he tried to escape but the pretend handcuffs and invisible ball and chain on his leg restrained him. Court reporters think that he may have been trying to mime ‘I’m innocent, it’s a fit up!’ but weren’t sure as the pretend opening an umbrella routine was interrupted by court security guards.

Prison sources have confirmed that Mr Dickinson is now on suicide watch in case he tries to hang himself with an invisible pretend rope that he may have concealed on his body. One legal insider commented ‘everyone know he is actually innocent. But it’s one less bloody mime artist on the streets, and that’s got to be worth it.’

Arndale manager Sharon Hastings had thought it would be a nice touch to have local children sing traditional carols to put shoppers in the Christmas mood. So a class of 6-7 years from St Jerome’s Infant School Wythenshawe lined up in front of the big Christmas tree looking ‘sweet and angelic’. Shoppers stopped and smiled and waited for the singing to begin. Unfortunately, the standard was well below what everybody was expecting. ‘Bloody hell, I’ve never heard ‘Away in a Manger’ sung so badly’ said a mother of two. ‘Frankly these kids were shit at singing and eventually we felt compelled to tell them so.’

Some onlookers were prepared to give the young children the benefit of the doubt and waited for the next carol. But ‘Little Donkey’ was an even bigger disaster and soon the crowd began booing and slow handclapping. By the time they got onto ‘Silent Night’, people were shouting ‘I wish it was silent!’, ‘Shut up!’ or ‘You’re shite!’

One or two of the children began to cry, but unfortunately this didn’t stop the others from ploughing on with the dreadful singing and eventually security guards came over and told the children and their teacher to ‘sling their hook as they weren’t welcome.’

Their teacher said she was appalled by the behaviour of the shoppers; ‘These children are six and seven years old, and it took enormous courage for them to get up and sing in front of strangers. I can’t believe how heartless and cruel the everyone was. They were right though. The kids really were shit.’