0
Dame Judi Dench retrains as scaffolder
The other day, I got called out to fix a dodgy ball-cock only to find Mark Rylance there already, elbow deep in the u-bend. [read...]
Articles by TheNewsWalrus
0
Man baffled after failing to mend laptop by shouting at it
Hampshire based confidence fanatic Alan Scott was left aghast yesterday after a series of gesticulations and random threats of violence somehow didn’t convince his broken laptop to boot up. ‘I always thought I knew a bit about computers. [read...]
0
Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK
Scientists have warned today that the recent rise in COVID-19 infection rate means Britain could soon be facing months of interminable Downing Street coronavirus briefings in the near future. It’s understood that secret plans were put in place several weeks ago to recommence the daily briefings, [read...]
0
‘Moths are idiots’ scientists confirm
David Rogers, professor of futile entomology at Anthea Turner College Cambridge today published the results of his exhaustive seventeen year study into the uselessness of the common moth. ‘This is my life’s work. Over 2000 pages of analysis and statistics, [read...]
0
Mark Francois launches ‘Short Lives Matter’ campaign
Pint-sized fury cannon Mark Francois MP has announced his new anti-discrimination initiative, Short Lives Matter, a movement designed to raise awareness of the plight of Britain’s tiny, angry, middle-aged men. Wearing a pair of stacked Cuban heals and standing on an upturned Henry Hoover, [read...]