The opposition immediately blamed the government, with a Conservative spokesman noting that consensus still has not been reached on whether the upcoming year will be called ‘two thousand and ten’ or the snappier ‘twenty ten’ in line with plans for the 2012 Olympics. Meanwhile Help the Aged said the change was being implemented too quickly, with many pensioners expected to be writing cheques dated 2009 well into April.

Number 10 have refused comment, but rumours circulating Westminster suggest Gordon Brown is considering emergency legislation to phase in the change more gradually with a plan that would mean May 2010 is not scheduled to arrive until August 2014.

‘Nearly all of my contemporaries saw it and I certainly had some explaining to do’ commented a horror-struck Darren. ‘They all know I’m taking Hanna from 10C to see Harry Potter on Friday and, my goodness, I’d just hate for them to jump to the wrong conclusion that our relationship has already become sexual. Really, this unfortunate accident couldn’t have happened at a worse time.’

Darren said the the scope for misinterpretation has been compounded as he had just been confiding to his friends about how difficult school had been for Hanna as a very early developer, with many of her peers obviously jealous of her accelerated journey into womanhood. ‘God, I hope they didn’t think I was insinuating anything other than a concern for her personal and emotional development from that,’ said the worried adolescent.

Darren was also in hindsight concerned that when he explained that he’d got the condom from his older brother, he had not successfully conveyed that it was only in his possession because he hadn’t had a chance to return it after his more physically and emotionally mature sibling — who was at a stage in life where it would be healthy to explore his sexuality — had dropped it. ‘I told them I had no intentions of being anything other than a perfect gentleman on Friday,’ he said, ‘but I have a bit of a tic when I get nervous, and I do hope they didn’t think I was winking when I said that.’

Darren’s friends, however, were adamant it had never crossed their minds that their classmate was likely to become intimate with his Friday night date. ‘Darren was horrified at the thought that he might have inadvertently impugned Hanna’s character,’ commented his best friend Terry, ‘but we reassured him that we would not read anything in to such an innocent slip. And besides, carrying condoms obviously just makes him SO gay’.

‘My clients were visited by a cold-calling Labour party candidate purporting to provide political advice,’ explained a barrister for the claimants, ‘they claimed switching to Labour would save my clients money and provide a more efficient service for running the country. At no point were my clients told that the representative could only advise on Labour party products, and the advisor also failed to state that he would receive a commission in the form of massive housing and expenses perks for completing the sale. We believe that this is a clear case of political mis-selling.’

The claimants’ complaints date back as far as 1997, but many are still angry to this day at how they were taken in by glossy manifestos and catchy slogans. ‘ We were promised that ‘things can only get better’, commented a former plasterer from Coventry, ‘but at least I had a job back then, and a house that wasn’t about to be repossessed. The worst of it is, they kept coming back for more every few years, and took me in every time with promises of new models of government, and sob-stories about needing my vote or they’d end up second-homeless.’

Millions of other voters who believe they’ve been mis-sold a Labour government will be monitoring today’s ruling, as will several Conservative MPs before deciding whether to admit that they voted Labour too. But for the duped members of the public, promises that the government is likely to be shut down in the next few months represent a hollow victory.

‘It’s all very well knowing that the gang’s footsoldiers are going to be sent away to consultancy jobs in industry for a very long time,’ said one former Labour voter who wished to remain anonymous, ‘but the shady boss that masterminded the whole thing is away on his toes sunning himself on a big yacht somewhere, always one step ahead of the law. And I hear ‘Big Tony’ is planning an even bigger scam pulling the wool over the eyes of the whole of Europe!’

Minutes of a secret council meeting revealed that take-up of the district recycling scheme had been relatively poor due to the need to sort 17 different types of materials into separate colour-coded bins. Newspaper recycling, however, was well established and it was proposed that the Council simply print its own local paper in order to increase the weight of material being pulped.

‘Nobody reads past the first few lines of this sort of thing,’ commented one anonymous ex-councillor, ‘so we had one of the members write a particularly dull front-page item about the workings of local government, called the paper ‘Window on Your Council’ and filled the remaining 45 pages with the achievements of made up council departments in parts of the borough that didn’t actually exist. It worked a charm, and with a great banner saying ‘Please recycle me’ in green across the top, we estimated that 98% of them went straight from the doormat into the recycling box.’

The same paper was then successfully distributed every four weeks for nearly seven months, until a pair of seven-year old girls, looking for something to line a gerbil’s cage with, found the paper and asked one of their mothers to take them to the new council swimming pool in ‘Narnia Ward’. Realising immediately that something was amiss, the mother then contacted a real local paper and the scam was uncovered. ‘And we would have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids – and their gerbil’ said a council insider.

A huge national outcry was expected to follow, but it transpires that once readers have pulled out the small ads page for ‘Personal Services’ the local paper goes straight in the recycling bin as well.

Ugi

In a move criticised by some as a transparent ploy to increase the medal count of the home nations, Political Correctness has been put forward as a sport by the UK Olympic committee and has been officially recognised by the IOC for inclusion in the 2012 London games. ‘We have a proud history of Political Correctness at the highest level in Britain,’ said Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell, ‘and we expect to win, although of course not before we’ve welcomed the strong challenge that will come from other countries in the world, with their competitors of different ethnicities, religions, ages, sexes, appearances, social status, financial background and er…, oh yes, levels of ability.’

Mrs Jowell admitted that the search for suitable British candidates to train for four years as part of the team ‘has been a bit of a nightmare’, and that sifting through responses to a memo sent out to all local Government offices asking for candidates in seven languages, Braille and large print ‘had made her realise just how patient and dedicated the selected competitors would have to be’.

The world-wide reaction to the announcement has been mixed with America known to be fully supportive of the move and more than ready to send a team, although Russia and China are still undecided on whether to take part and have asked for a little more time. The French are completely on board, provided they get a subsidy.

The actual event will be held within the Olympic stadium and the result will, of course, be open to appeal, although Mrs Jowell seemed slightly unsure as to what would actually be going on. ‘It’s going to be hard to make comparisons in this event, although I think it will be clear when one of the competitors is doing ‘the right thing’, and it’ll be great for the viewers to watch them all sitting around, chatting and suppressing any wayward personal feelings in an attempt to get on with everyone. I expect that after the games the winners may even turn pro, and go and tackle the world’s problems on a wider scale, just like on Big Brother.’

Despite the inclusion of the sport being a boost for British Olympic hopes some commentators have raised concerns that it might lead to ‘impressionable’ individuals with ambitions in the field to start missing scheduled meetings and trying to avoid leaving an audit trail, with many testing positive for positive discrimination, but Tessa Jowell assured the press that adequate safeguards were in place, saying ‘don’t worry, it’s not going to go mad’. Mrs Jowell has herself been singled out as one of the UK’s finest proponents of Political Correctness and is likely to be offered a place on the team, subject to the stringent criteria on a hundred and forty seven other aspects being met.

Ugi