‘After the first ‘beep’, I thought it must just have been some loose change,’ explained the embarassed droid in an emotional interview with Electric Sheep magazine. ’But when the large man in the tight suit tried to frisk me and found his hands just sliding all over me, they told me to remove any metal items and walk through again.’

‘Well, you can imagine. It took 74 of those little plastic buckets to get me through. Everyone was staring at me, furious that I was holding them up. Even Artoo called me a bleeping-beeping bleeper.’

From a headline by allmyownstunts, developed by Zadok

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace explained that since 1996 the prince has held the advisory role of Royal idiot, having taken over the post from his father the Duke of Edinburgh. ‘The Duke of York’s position is largely honorific and usually involves making foolish and inappropriate comments in public, forming friendships or preferably shady business connections with one’s dodgy foreign chums, and generally gadding about making an arse of oneself.’

In recent weeks, a series of leaked emails suggests that the prince has been using the role for ‘scandalously inappropriate purposes’ such as promoting British business and leading trade negotiations. An unnamed government source complained: ‘He’s a member of the Royal family doing an unpaid role that he’s no good at – of course we don’t expect him to actually do any work so he really ought to stop it.’

As the row continues over whether the foolish antics of the Royals can be weighed against the tourism revenue and sales of Hello! that they generate, it has been suggested that Andrew step down in favour of his nephew Prince Harry. ‘Offensive fancy dress outfits, eminently unsuitable girlfriends, and the general air of an irresponsible dandy,’ the government source said. ‘He sounds perfect.’

Zadok the Second

]]> http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/09/pressure-mounts-on-prince-andrew-to-quit-job-as-scapegoat/feed/ 0 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/04/scottish-widows-investigation-launched/ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/04/scottish-widows-investigation-launched/#comments Fri, 04 Mar 2011 12:00:06 +0000 Zadok http://www.newsbiscuit.com/?p=34068 Lothian and Borders Police have launched an investigation into a secretive society known only as ‘Scottish Widows’.

Notoriously publicity-shy, apart from their ubiquitous television advertisements, ‘Scottish Widows’ may in fact be a codename for a group of cloaked female assassins who seek out wealthy elderly Scotsmen for financial gain.

‘Our undercover ops team tell us that many older, lonely Scottish men are being directly targeted,’ Joss Hannay, Lothian and Borders Assistant Chief Constable said yesterday. ‘They move fast looking for octogenarians, hoods up, power-mincing their way through hotel lobbies, across golf-courses, and especially, wandering aimlessly around privet-walled mazes. To be honest, we don’t know why they do that last one.’

‘Anyone with any knowledge of a real Scottish widow will struggle to recognise these Rimmelled girl-ninjas. They rarely do jigsaws or knit, and never offer a Victory V to a stranger on the bus.’

On reading one entitled “Are You Letting Her Down?”, John felt he had to confront some of his basic fears; namely that he is letting his wife/girlfriend down. He could put a smile on her face if he was “larrrger”.

Dear John, he replied, John here. You’re right. I am actually worried about the size of my manhood. Sandra’s never said anything, and I haven’t had many opportunities to do a fair comparison across other men, but – do you know it feels good to talk about this with someone.

The following evening, “John” replied. “I knew it”, the email read. “Have you ever considered that your insecurities – which often manifest themselves by your drinking too much at social occasions – could be down to this fundamental weakness? Perhaps this is all because you feel your father was distant?”

Statistics have increased by up to 3.5% over the last quarter, and typical inflationary vocabulary, shared by economists, blogging worrywarts and financial reporters has broken its previous record – set in August ’09 – of 2,000 scary words per article.

‘The increased incidence of undefined TLAs in financial news reporting is a reflection of an underlying malaise designed to worry both savers and people with mortgages’, a well-meaning but actually uninformed financial expert, Jim McHugh, commented. ‘The rise in VAT, taken on its own is minimal, but when amplified by a lot of hysterical statistics and undefined references to petrol, RPI, CPI and the pound in your pocket it can scare the bezeesus out of 99.7% of the population.’

As television news editors started the regular trawl for generic pictures of money in a purse or wallet, research has found that there is a 5.7% increase in the willingness of old people in carpet slippers to be filmed making a cup of tea in a vague attempt to bring some human interest to what is essentially a boring piece of financial news.

Jerry Oistrakh, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury was keen to impress the shift in emphasis from mild reassurance to the Government’s new policy of scaring people. ‘If we don’t give the breadwinner sleepless nights about keeping a roof over their family’s heads, we have basically failed in our statutory duty to keep ‘fear of bankruptcy’ a key performance indicator for the economy.’

The laconic and morally-ambiguous yet strangely compelling outsider stood unsmiling as Ryanair employee, Emma Soakes, challenged him to produce additional documentation.

The incident escalated when the man – known only as ‘The Man With No Name’ – tapped gently on a pair of onyx-handled six-shooters and shifted his poncho slightly to reveal a bandolero belt filled with live cartridges. With an almost imperceptible nod of the head, he then confirmed that he had packed the ammunition himself and was willing to pay the airline’s excess stubble charge.

Time passed.

The tense stand-off only came to a conclusion when The Man With No Name lit up a cigarillo and was arrested for breaking the airport’s smoking ban.

‘The NLA was intended to assist those members of the upper classes who have difficulty accessing their money which is tied up in long term bonds’, said barrister Anthony Farquar-Smythe, ‘I’ve known cases where people experience real hardship and are down to their last half million in hard cash.’

‘On the plus side,’ continued The Rt Hon. Farquar-Smythe, ‘the changes will mean that every claimant will have the right to a chauffeur driven nobility scooter.’

‘This is just typical. Typical of the sort of selfish attitude that spoils it for everyone,’ lectured Home Secretary Theresa May, at this morning’s press assembly.

‘Many, many people thought that having an exciting map that can show you how many murderers and rapists live next to your parents was a really good idea. It has been scientifically proven that being able to look at statistics of the incidence of violent and distressing crime has a calming effect on the population.’

‘I can’t believe that one of you or your readers has had the temerity to steal this exciting new project. I am therefore ordering the whole country to stay behind after work until whoever did this owns up.’